Bill Simmons is a bitter, bitter fuckwit

[chris_in_pdx]

From http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7058281/we-need-renegade-basketball-league

KANG: Couldn't we just have 65 players at the draft, so that one of them gets left out? And if we did, I'm going with Brandon Roy. The entire city of Portland would call for a boycott of The Oracle. Three games into the season, Portland would return to combing its beard and crashing its fixed-gear bike into "_____ly responsible" latte stands/record stores. A collective sense of relief (and self-satisfaction) would wash over the city's residents, who finally realize that they don't really like basketball. They just really, really like regionalism and pronouncing "O-reh-GONE," and yelling at other people about how "great" Portland is, when it's really just—

SIMMONS: Tread carefully, Kang. I felt the wrath of the Portland soccer moms once. It's like swimming in a pool and suddenly being attacked by piranha. You don't even know what's happening, just that you're surrounded by your own blood and flesh.

 

[ironcrotch]

That Kang guy is from Seattle or something. Reeks of supreme jealousy, he even pokes at the Ducks.

 

[DeanMoriarty]

What are you talking about? It's the other guy who put down Portland, not Bill Simmons. At the worst, it could just be a ploy to get them to read their new website.


Besides, it's an NBA lockout and Blazer fans are out for fresh blood. Everyone get on their Twitters and spam the guy!

 

[julius]

Portland would do what he said, but it's starting to rain and none of them want to go outside if they don't have to.

 

[Natebishop3]

That Kang guy is from Seattle or something. Reeks of supreme jealousy, he even pokes at the Ducks.

He wishes they got a team back and that Durant was on it. LMAO

They let their team slip away once, they won't get a second chance.

 

[jlprk]

Reading it gives the reader ideas. Simmons and Kang bubble with ideas. An alternative league of the cities rejected by the NBA is actually a good idea.

I only got through part of it. Can someone who read it explain what comes before your excerpt. What are the 65 duo captains, and how does Roy fit in?

 

[blue32]

haha that quote is freaking awesome.

 

[BrianFromWA]

Love it

 

[Nikolokolus]

Bill Simmons is your god Chris_in_PDX.

 

[3RA1N1AC]

its or eh gun anyways, this kang guy needs to get his shit straight :MARIS61:

 

[jlprk]

No one read the whole thing. Typical long, long Simmons article. Comments are only on the excerpt.

 

[3RA1N1AC]

i read it, you need to get your shit straight too :MARIS61:

 

[jlprk]

Okay, so again, what is the context of the excerpt? What are the 65 duo captains, and how does Roy fit in?

 

[Rhal]

Kang hates Portland and has been adamant about the it. He has an article up online (i'll try and find it) were he can't believe Seattle loses there NBA team and the likes of "Portland" get to keep theirs. He doesn't like us he doesn't have to, in the end we have an NBA team and his city doesn't... but his city does have an NFL team... DAMN! (Actually I don't even know if Kang lives in Seattle.)
I don't know about you guys but Grantland.com is a site i'v enjoyed reading, Simmons has done a good job and its funny to figure out how he will take a shot this time at the Blazers when he rights an NBA article.

 

[BrianFromWA]

Okay, so again, what is the context of the excerpt? What are the 65 duo captains, and how does Roy fit in?

-They have 8 teams of 10 players. 80 total.
-Egos of the best players mean that they can't just select 8 captains, b/c #9, 10, etc. would be pissed off and not play. So they do "dual-captains" for the teams--with the caveat that they can't be current teammates. Therefore, no LBJ/Wade, but Durant/Z-bo, Rose/Amar'e, Dirk/Nash, etc. So there's 16 of the best players already.
-They 8 teams then have a recess-style snake draft where they pick 1-7, then the 8th team picks 8-9, and so on. It goes 8 rounds of 8 players each, for the other 64 players. But you can only draft players that are invited to the draft (kind of like the 1st round green room). So one of the twists was to invite 65 players for the 64 spots, and Kang was betting that Roy would be that guy that got invited but not picked.

BTW, I haven't been supremely impressed with Kang.

Edit: I read (reed, not red) every word that Simmons writes, and many of the Grantland guys that are way more literary than I. I like Grantland a lot, for points and views that I wouldn't have thought of.

 

[julius]

He can dislike Portland as much as he wants to, but at the end of the day, Portland fans are less bandwagony then Seattle fans are. And Portland still has a team, so to quote someone much younger than me:

Haters gonna hate, Imma go masturbate.

 

[julius]

-They have 8 teams of 10 players. 80 total.
-Egos of the best players mean that they can't just select 8 captains, b/c #9, 10, etc. would be pissed off and not play. So they do "dual-captains" for the teams--with the caveat that they can't be current teammates. Therefore, no LBJ/Wade, but Durant/Z-bo, Rose/Amar'e, Dirk/Nash, etc. So there's 16 of the best players already.
-They 8 teams then have a recess-style snake draft where they pick 1-7, then the 8th team picks 8-9, and so on. It goes 8 rounds of 8 players each, for the other 64 players. But you can only draft players that are invited to the draft (kind of like the 1st round green room). So one of the twists was to invite 65 players for the 64 spots, and Kang was betting that Roy would be that guy that got invited but not picked.

BTW, I haven't been supremely impressed with Kang.

Edit: I read (reed, not red) every word that Simmons writes, and many of the Grantland guys that are way more literary than I. I like Grantland a lot, for points and views that I wouldn't have thought of.

there's insults (your mother wears combat boots), dumb insults (your mom!) and insults that take too much explanation (well see, the thing is, your mom once went to Berkeley, and she was quite promiscuous. I at the same time went to Berkeley, and your mother did not have relations with me. And by relations, I mean we did not engage in consensual sex, or even a handy. That is where she got the derisive nickname of "No Handout Helen", and thus why me calling your girlfriend No Handout Alicia, is in fact an insult to your girlfriend at a degree that should warrant you getting angry.").

This insult is one of those "needs too much explaining to make it worth it's weight".

 

[MARIS61]

Portland would do what he said, but it's starting to rain and none of them want to go outside if they don't have to.

True Portlanders don't even notice whether it's raining or not.

Staying inside because it's raining is a dead giveaway you're a transplanted Californian.

 

[julius]

True Portlanders don't even notice whether it's raining or not.

Staying inside because it's raining is a dead giveaway you're a transplanted Californian.

True Portlanders don't move to central Oregon.

 

[SnakeOiler]

He can dislike Portland as much as he wants to, but at the end of the day, Portland fans are less bandwagony then Seattle fans are. And Portland still has a team, so to quote someone much younger than me:

Haters gonna hate, Imma go masturbate.

It's than

 

[julius]

It's than

not if I meant to say this:

Portland fans are less bandwagony. Then Seattle fans are.

 

[jlprk]

-They have 8 teams of 10 players. 80 total.
-Egos of the best players mean that they can't just select 8 captains, b/c #9, 10, etc. would be pissed off and not play. So they do "dual-captains" for the teams--with the caveat that they can't be current teammates. Therefore, no LBJ/Wade, but Durant/Z-bo, Rose/Amar'e, Dirk/Nash, etc. So there's 16 of the best players already.
-They 8 teams then have a recess-style snake draft where they pick 1-7, then the 8th team picks 8-9, and so on. It goes 8 rounds of 8 players each, for the other 64 players. But you can only draft players that are invited to the draft (kind of like the 1st round green room). So one of the twists was to invite 65 players for the 64 spots, and Kang was betting that Roy would be that guy that got invited but not picked.

BTW, I haven't been supremely impressed with Kang.

Edit: I read (reed, not red) every word that Simmons writes, and many of the Grantland guys that are way more literary than I. I like Grantland a lot, for points and views that I wouldn't have thought of.

Thanks for trying to make me understand.

You failed, but it's my fault. I'm too dumb for all this.

 

[jlprk]

there's insults (your mother wears combat boots), dumb insults (your mom!) and insults that take too much explanation (well see, the thing is, your mom once went to Berkeley, and she was quite promiscuous. I at the same time went to Berkeley, and your mother did not have relations with me. And by relations, I mean we did not engage in consensual sex, or even a handy. That is where she got the derisive nickname of "No Handout Helen", and thus why me calling your girlfriend No Handout Alicia, is in fact an insult to your girlfriend at a degree that should warrant you getting angry.").

This insult is one of those "needs too much explaining to make it worth it's weight".

Now I feel even dumber. I'll stick to playing HORSE.