OT Depression in kids

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calvin natt

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So even though I’ve never met any of you, I do value your diverse backgrounds and opinions. My oldest son, 16, is going through a really bad time. Concerning for my wife and I. Have started therapy and medication for depression and anxiety. But that takes time. I literally can’t have him out of my sight. He’s overwhelmed and stuck. He feels enormous pressure ar school. Girlfriend broke up with him two weeks ago after 10 months. He was devastated. Covid started this. Sat at home for a year and a half and he just changed. It is killing me and scares the shit out of me.

Anyone dealt with this? What do I say to him? How do I best support and make him feel better? I’m just trying to listen and support. Kids these days with Covid and social media and the constant barrage of bad news, of course they have such problems. It’s awful.

venting over thanks for any advice.
 
That's a tough one but it's a known fact that physical excercise can calm depression particularly in a 16 year old hormonal teen.....diet excercise and sleep...maybe find some challenging sport or hobby to put that energy into.....sometimes digging a hole and screaming in it and burying it can be cathartic. Maybe a change of scenery? One thing for sure, you both willl need to take the journey to find out what has triggered him and try to mold him into a healthy daily routine somehow....good luck. Hope he gets through it...I had a rough stretch from 16-17 and the Navy seemed to help me sort it out as well as music and sports.
 
Damn dude. I'm sorry to hear that. I took breakups hard at that age as well.

I have to think having somebody to talk with and keeping busy will help. But I don't know much about this stuff. I feel for you both. I hope it doesn't last too long.
 
Studies have shown a sympathetic listener often is as good as a shrink. Or better. When I am overwhelmed my hairdresser hears all about it.

Listen! You don't have to have all the answers, just let him talk. Avoid platitudes. Go for a long walk, daily if possible.

Remember everyone's problems are huge to them. You might think kids in Ukraine or Afghanistan have it much worse, probably true, but whatever is bugging him is very real and matters.

Personally I have very negative feelings about shrinks. Many are abusive. ,
 
I don't know about your situation specifically but I have raised two teenagers to adults, both had plenty of issues. The problem with that age is that they are so close to being an adult that you can't really make them do anything anymore, if they really don't want to do it they won't, and they don't understand the difference between really not wanting to do something and depression not wanting to do something. Kids always want a magic pill fix (don't we all?) But adults realize that positive feelings come from positive actions..... One phrase in my fitness journey that I love is that motivation follows action, not the other way around, same concept. Also talking to kids can be tough, they don't understand their feelings enough to share or they are embarrassed, so I found the best bet is to be ready to take advantage of situations that they start to open up in. Without knowing much about your situation my strategy would be to do something to get him out of his own head, stimulate conversation, and help him realize the world is a bigger place than highschool, like a hike or fishing or whatever it is you guys liked doing together when they were young. (Hikes are good because it adds exercise and nature together, exercise is a natural antidepressant) Make it something so you are hanging out and a conversation will be natural. They are old enough that you can probably start things off by telling them about your struggles at their age and how as an adult none of that mattered anymore. Let them know that in the big picture high school times don't matter, but be careful to not dismiss their issues because their issues are real right now. If you can build on a common interests that you have then even better, like say if you used to love Legos then go buy a set and start working on it in plain sight and ask for their help. Sometimes you don't even need to talk, you just need to be there to make them smile at stupid dad jokes.
 
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Sorry to hear this. I think all of the suggestions above are good ones. I think you should try to keep communicating with him. Show him you care. Check out what his support system is among his friends as well.
 
Lifting weights is great for dealing with the stresses of life. Maybe go with him to the gym to get him going, once he gets the itch for it his confidence will go through the roof. When you like what you see in the mirror it tends to boost your self image. Especially when your testosterone is higher than it will ever be as a teen.

Just being really active in general will go a long ways.
 
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Many women find handiwork, knitting and sewing, a mood lifter. If he thinks that's too girly, try a male equivalent, building models, working with tools. Not playing video games. The point is to make an actual thing.
 
crandc said:
Many women find handiwork, knitting and sewing, a mood lifter. If he thinks that's too girly, try a male equivalent, building models, working with tools. Not playing video games. The point is to make an actual thing.
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Great advice and I agree, not video games, they make things worse with false accomplishments goals. They ding and give little dopamine rewards for things that turn out to be empty and not fulfilling. They also can easily become more of a escape than a distraction. The exception might be a family game you can all enjoy like Mario kart. Building and making real things is an excellent idea though, it occupies the mind, gives goals, and produces things they can be proud of. I found a lot of joy doing pottery and ceramics at that age, I still have a lot of my work.
 
I’m sorry but legos and knitting isn’t going to do it.

Get him into the gym so he can start feeling alpha. 16 is the perfect time to get going with it.

I’ve seen it work wonders with kids.
 
The pressure at school, the negativity of social media, the breakup, the feeling of being "overwhelmed"--all of those depression triggers/exacerbaters smack of a lack of control. I would want to find something that he can focus on where he can be in total control.
 
MickZagger said:
I’m sorry but legos and knitting isn’t going to do it.

Get him into the gym so he can start feeling alpha. 16 is the perfect time to get going with it.

I’ve seen it work wonders with kids.
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I agree that exerciser is great and an amazing anti-depressant, but if he isn't interested in working out then good luck. It can quickly turn into more of a punishment type thing than a reward thing, and it can take a few weeks to really start feeling the results, a lot of kids dont have that type of patience. So including exercise in another activity like hiking, basketball, tennis, etc might work out better. Also no need to hate on knitting and legos, you would be surprised what improving a skill and accomplishing something can do for a kid. I would be surprised if he liked knitting, but the idea of making something and improving a skill is a good one. I think the key here is to hone down on what the kids interests are and then build activities around that while encouraging them to try new things.
 
donkiez said:
I agree that exerciser is great and an amazing anti-depressant, but if he isn't interested in working out then good luck. It can quickly turn into more of a punishment type thing than a reward thing, and it can take a few weeks to really start feeling the results, a lot of kids dont have that type of patience. So including exercise in another activity like hiking, basketball, tennis, etc might work out better. Also no need to hate on knitting and legos, you would be surprised what improving a skill and accomplishing something can do for a kid. I would be surprised if he liked knitting, but the idea of making something and improving a skill is a good one. I think the key here is to hone down on what the kids interests are and then build activities around that while encouraging them to try new things.
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I agree that he has to be interested in lifting weights. That’s why I suggest maybe him and dad can find an hour a day to try and see if he can get into it.

I think depression in teens has a lot to do with self image than anything else. Which is why getting the dopamine receptors circulating with exercise can go a long ways.

If it were my son I’d say I know this breakup isn’t fun to go through and you’re hurting but there’s two ways you can deal with it. You can let it eat at you or you can work to better yourself to show her what she’s missing. Your first love is rarely your last. 20 years from now you’ll probably have to be reminded that you even had the relationship to begin with. So work on bettering yourself and let her see what she’s missing out on.

All situations are different. But being up front and having solid talks can go a long ways. My dad was great at that and looking back it went a long ways.
 
MickZagger said:
I agree that he has to be interested in lifting weights. That’s why I suggest maybe him and dad can find an hour a day to try and see if he can get into it.

I think depression in teens has a lot to do with self image than anything else. Which is why getting the dopamine receptors circulating with exercise can go a long ways.

If it were my son I’d say I know this breakup isn’t fun to go through and you’re hurting but there’s two ways you can deal with it. You can let it eat at you or you can work to better yourself to show her what she’s missing. Your first love is rarely your last. 20 years from now you’ll probably have to be reminded that you even had the relationship to begin with. So work on bettering yourself and let her see what she’s missing out on.

All situations are different. But being up front and having solid talks can go a long ways. My dad was great at that and looking back it went a long ways.
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I totally agree, and I use exercise as a way to manage my own depression and anxiety issues, so I know it works. I also know its not an easy fix, and it takes time and dedication to get to that point of it making you feel better, in the beginning it often just feels like someone kicked your ass for an hour. My points are coming from experience of raising two teenage stepsons who had lots of issues, some issues were similar to these. We absolutely could not get these kids to exercise regularly. They wouldn't do it, best we could get out of them was a few days strung together. We tried all sorts of motivation, including even paying them, and it still didn't work. It actually turned into a negative thing because we were forcing the issue so much, and they resisted it as hard as we would force it. Our best run was when they got interested in karate and took lessons for a few months, but even that petered out. Both myself and the kids mother exercise regularly and often so we were even providing an example and option for coaching. It has to be something they want to do, or they will not do it. Teenagers are stubborn assholes like that.
 
Thanks everyone. Truly. Every comment here has merit. He started the gym a couple weeks ago and then bam, can’t get motivated to go. I need to go with him I think and kind of drag him there a few times. Exercise is important.
 
calvin natt said:
Thanks everyone. Truly. Every comment here has merit. He started the gym a couple weeks ago and then bam, can’t get motivated to go. I need to go with him I think and kind of drag him there a few times. Exercise is important.
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I went through what you are going through with my middle son at 16. The anxiety he was feeling was really strong and he lost his motivation. Because it appeared to his mother and I he was experiences panic attacks, we elected to see if he would be open to seeing a councilor/phycologist, he was and it was a positive step, as together we started to do more things and communicate more. The sessions at times included his mom and I and he was open to that. His visits with the councilor lasted once a week for 8 weeks. The suggestion that action creates the motivation is spot on, and he learned that the best way to get out the door (the hardest part sometimes) is to think and tell yourself over and over that he can accomplish and do what he needs to (almost meditation or positive thinking) and its seemed to really help with enough self motivation to become active.
Stay strong!
 
calvin natt said:
Thanks everyone. Truly. Every comment here has merit. He started the gym a couple weeks ago and then bam, can’t get motivated to go. I need to go with him I think and kind of drag him there a few times. Exercise is important.
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I agree with the "go with him" aspect. In fact, I'd suggest finding out about "anything" that interests him and then participating in the journey. My dad was my best friend, and I'll never forget the little things he did to reinforce that. He came to my football practices/games. Along with my mom, he joined a parent/student bowling league with me. We watched tv shows together. We played all kinds of games together (particularly, chess, Rook, Master Mind, and cribbage.) All things told, he was "there" for me and helped me to cope with any issues I had at the time.

I'll keep your son and you in prayer.
 
Don't have much experience in this, but he has to have some kind of goal or something to look forward to. He has to know what he wants to do.

Does he want to go to college? If so, where? Does he even like sports? Does he like computers?

You can't force people to do something they won't enjoy or want to do. Everyone is different, and not everyone wants to lift, some people may want to read books, play an instrument, or program computers instead. While lifting and exercise are really good for your mindset, he seems to give up doing it.

Maybe try something fun, like going hiking. You're certainly in the right area for it. See if that sticks, maybe make it a weekly thing or a bi-weekly thing. Maybe go fishing. Who knows.

I'm not a fan of anti-depression meds, personally. But I guess they could help but they could also hurt.
 
EL PRESIDENTE said:
Don't have much experience in this, but he has to have some kind of goal or something to look forward to. He has to know what he wants to do.

Does he want to go to college? If so, where? Does he even like sports? Does he like computers?

You can't force people to do something they won't enjoy or want to do. Everyone is different, and not everyone wants to lift, some people may want to read books, play an instrument, or program computers instead. While lifting and exercise are really good for your mindset, he seems to give up doing it.

Maybe try something fun, like going hiking. You're certainly in the right area for it. See if that sticks, maybe make it a weekly thing or a bi-weekly thing. Maybe go fishing. Who knows.

I'm not a fan of anti-depression meds, personally. But I guess they could help but they could also hurt.
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This is my thought too. Try something new each week and once there's something he's excited about, sign him up for classes or programs.

I personally found bouldering about a year ago and it was something that I had little idea I was good at. Totally changed my mindset for some reason. The YMCA and community centers always have different things going on too, all kinds of activities.
 
EL PRESIDENTE said:
Don't have much experience in this, but he has to have some kind of goal or something to look forward to. He has to know what he wants to do.
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This is huge. One of the biggest problems many people have is a lack of direction or goals. Floating listlessly through life sucks.

I've always found that one of the best ways to get out of my own head is to serve others. Maybe have the kid identify a cause that means something to him and find a volunteer opportunity. :dunno:
 
Try to keep him from vaping. I see sooo many teenagers doing that these days. I don't think it's a problem if it's a couple times a week, but I see kids doing it ALL THE TIME!
 
A problem is many teens just don't want to spend time with parents. Is there an in betweener? A young adult, not another teen, with whom he connects?
 
crandc said:
A problem is many teens just don't want to spend time with parents. Is there an in betweener? A young adult, not another teen, with whom he connects?
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Not really. Don’t really have any other young adults around that we all know and trust. It’s either my age or his age. Or grandma.
 
Man, sucks to hear this. Wishing you guys the best.
I will be no help. Dealing with my teens, I always watched them closely looking for signs of depression or anxiety, because a couple neighbor kids went through it.
But all I could do is look back on my teen years. I would get a bad grade on a test or had a girl break up with me and I would come home devastated…..but I just got up and went back to school and kept swinging.
So there has to be a fine line between the old “man up” and get back in there and kids who do actually have issues that need to be addressed.
Luckily my kids were/are pretty well adjusted and succeeding. Not sure how I would handle being in your situation brother.
Good luck to you guys.
 
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