listen here ladies and germs, and gather round. come one come all, and listen to me positively pontificate on the uses of this here magical elixir. its all weather, all season, no hassle, no problem, no fuss, no muss, and no money down. we have free financing, and you can heal while you wait. buy now, pay later, take two, makes a great gift.
you have tried our competitors shoddy snake oil, now experience the real deal my friends. this wonderful and remarkable new science discovery has been patented by our crack pot team of white coats, mixing up for you this here very potion
our powerful tonic cures all ailments that afflict either man or beast, watch as old scars drift away, and sharpen the mind. if our tonic doesnt rejuvenate your mind body and soul....well then dear friend, you are likely already dead. and whos to say that we cant bring you back to life?*
this magical potion works in two ways. first it rejuvenates your blood to become your own best ally, healing you from the inside out. it replaces your bloods water with pure glacier ice melt, purifying your blood before you even know it. no more bloodletting when you get the cancer, this product has you covered. the second way this works, is its high alcoholic and opiate content. alcohol has recently been proven to kill tiny bugs that you cant even see. supposedly these "germs" are a danger to your innards, and we wipe them out!
If you are afflicted with swollen glands, moosebumps, the vapors, invisible muscles, stiff joints, storm knee, dislocations, lacerations, bruises, abrasions, the wheeze, 12 toes, swamp foot, crotch rot, or chimpanzee acne, simply liberally apply our specially prepared elixir for instantaneous relief.
If you are suffering from constipation, diarrhea, projectile vomiting, lung butter, lock jaw, foot fungus, receding gums, armpit lice, unsightly moles, mouth cancer, the hives, butt monkeys, earwigs, teeth yellowing, extra skin, stretch marks, or droopy anus, simply ingest a single room temperature teaspoon of the magical elixir and watch as all that ails you disappears instantaneously.
Plus professor mags old tyme elixir is the only potion that will cure your shark rectum. safeguard yourself and your family from all of lifes noxious intruders.
This unrivaled product is guaranteed to not contain a single sub atomic particle of any injurious mineral substance. A compound of roots, herbs and various animal innards, there is no known side effects or downsides, and layaway is still available.
this secret ancient formula was obtained by me your orator at great personal risk, with my only reward being the knowledge of its great benefit to countless customers. and now, you have the unbelievable good fortune to have the opportunity to protect your friends and family and buy a case of MAGS SUPER SECRET ANCIENT AMAZING MAGICAL ELIXIR and TONIC today!
buy now while supplies last, ca residents pay 8% sales tax, all states rights and regulations are to be adhered to, unfortunately at this time we are unable to ship this item to south dakota.
*this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA. this product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease
