relationship advice

[chris_in_pdx]

So why I'm posting this here is a mystery, but I've already gotten input from friends, who of course give me the slanted "you should do what you want to do, dude!" lines, which although is a warm fuzzy, really doesn't help me decide anything.

Backstory: Met girl in Seattle 16 years ago. Dated for a while, didn't work out, remained friends. Romance resparked occassionally, but usually at inopportune times for both of us (ie. involved with someone else, not ready for committment, etc.). Met current wife 12 years ago, married for 8. 10 years younger than me. Mostly happy relationship, but lack of common interests and growing apart has become issues in recent times. No children, but was pregnant with one last year, but miscarried and then had to have major surgery to remove fibroids from uterus. Still able to have children, but will be problems.

Had affair with Seattle girl for 3 years behind wife's back. Ended it and my relationship with her when confronted about it by my wife. Have tried to put Seattle girl out of my mind and focus on repairing my relationship with wife, but am failing. Issues that are hindering my efforts at reigniting my relationship with my wife are mostly superficial (her weight, her desire to become a mother through adoption and my lack of enthusiasm for it), but the memory of how good I felt with Seattle girl is on the forefront of my mind most of the time. Worried that I am making a mid-life crisis decision, but also worried that I am only staying with my wife out of feelings of obligation and fears of hurting her, plus selfish materialistic fears of losing our house and all my possessions. Another issue is that my wife REALLY loves me. As in, I'm her everything. It would crush her for me to leave. And I love her a lot, too, and I don't want to hurt her. But it's becoming clear to me that living with her for the rest of my life, as it stands now, I'm never going to be "HAPPY". I'll be content, and safe, and maybe that's enough? Plus there's no guarantees that happiness lies with Seattle Girl.

I need complete strangers to advise me of what to do. No matter what I choose, someone gets hurt, or someone is unhappy.

Thanks for listening, all.

 

[BoBoBREWSKI]

Tough situation! I wouldnt be satisfied with being "content and safe". It doesnt seem fair to either of you. I think you should move on and try to find someone that does it all for you.

 

[crandc]

I hate to sound like fucking Dear Abby, but have you considered a marriage counselor?

An affair is fun. No commitments and you can leave if she gains weight. Is that what you want?

Do you still look like you did on your wedding day?

 

[chris_in_pdx]

I hate to sound like fucking Dear Abby, but have you considered a marriage counselor?

An affair is fun. No commitments and you can leave if she gains weight. Is that what you want?

Do you still look like you did on your wedding day?

Been going to a marriage counselor. Has helped some, but there's some core barriers in my head that I'm not seeming to "get over", like the fact that I feel better when I'm around Seattle Girl than with my wife. More accepted, more understood, more loved. My wife loves me to death, but that "connection" isn't there anymore, if it was ever there.

I don't want another affair. Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time and had to choose? I chose out of committment and obligation and the fact that I owed it to my wife to give her every shot at making our relationship work. After working on it for 4 months, some things have gotten better, but some things haven't. And I can't ignore those things that havent, no matter how hard I try.

Yes I look the same as I did on our wedding day. And so does she.

 

[crandc]

I don't know either of you and I know that being a woman I'm inclined to sympathize with women. But it does strike me that your wife is really unhappy. She miscarried a wanted pregnancy, underwent major surgery, appears to have doubts about her ability to undergo a successful pregnancy and her husband had a long affair. People use food as consolation, like drugs or booze, when they are unhappy.

Again, "Seattle Girl" could be more loving et al because she did not have to wash your undies. Weren't you careful to be on best behavior with her?

And BTW, are you sure she's still available?

And also BTW, how would you react if your wife had an affair and said he/she was more loving than you?

Can't tell you what to do, just trying to give some stranger perspective.

 

[¹²³]

It looks like you already decided to end your marriage and as your friends keep telling you "you should do what you want to do, dude!". Go for it.

 

[chris_in_pdx]

It looks like you already decided to end your marriage and as your friends keep telling you "you should do what you want to do, dude!". Go for it.

I have decided nothing of the sort. That's why I'm looking for the advice. My wife deserves every ounce of effort that I can put into making our relationship work. And I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. But there are just things I'm not getting over. Feelings I'm not letting go of. I have three options: stay with my wife and accept the fact that it's not perfect but it's comfortable, leave and try to make things work with Seattle girl with no guarantees there, or leave and be alone.

 

[¹²³]

I have decided nothing of the sort. That's why I'm looking for the advice. My wife deserves every ounce of effort that I can put into making our relationship work. And I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. But there are just things I'm not getting over. Feelings I'm not letting go of. I have three options: stay with my wife and accept the fact that it's not perfect but it's comfortable, leave and try to make things work with Seattle girl with no guarantees there, or leave and be alone.

You just keep saying you won't be happy with your wife, as BeerBoy said, "content and safe" won't do it for most people and "it doesnt seem fair to either of you". You already know you won't have the "connection" with her and that's extremelly necessary to make a relationship work.

 

[Natebishop3]

It sounds to me like you're unhappy, and Seattle Girl is just a symptom of that unhappiness. Grass is greener and that sort of thing. If you're cheating on your wife, or if you have cheated on your wife, I really don't see the point of staying in the relationship. Marriage and monogamous relationships are based on trust and a commitment to the other person. Once you've broken that trust and commitment, I really don't see the point in staying with that person. The ring and the "I do" is only a symbol. Really marriage is only about the commitment you make with yourself that this is THE person for you. Once they stop being THE ONE, it's time to move on. If you've given it time, and you've tried counseling, and you still feel like you are unhappy, I think you should get out.

Couple things:

1. It does sound like you've already decided somewhere in your psyche that you want to leave your wife, but you are afraid to go with it because you don't want to hurt her and you don't want to lose your stuff. Those are understandable fears.

2. I know a few people who are with their significant others but do not feel that they are the one anymore, or are unhappy. The only reason why they stay with the person is because they are "comfortable". I think this is terrible. It just means the person is a security blanket. You get in a comfort zone and you're afraid of change. I know how this feels. Change can be scary as shit. Look at it this way: what if she was in your shoes? Would you want to stay with someone who is only comfortable and content?

3. The pregnancy and adoption thing is a deal breaker. If you want kids and she can't have them, or wants to adopt and you don't, that is a major sticking point. It's something you could resent for the rest of your life. You really need to weigh how much it means to you. Is having kids more important than your relationship with your wife? If it is, then you have your answer right there.

I think every marriage is going to have ups and downs. I think at one point in every relationship we will look around because we are unhappy, but it doesn't mean we act on it. New relationships have that excitement that an old relationship just doesn't have after a certain period of time. I miss that excitement sometimes, but I think we also overlook the reasons why we got with our significant others in the first place. We take them for granted. You need to figure out if this is just a rough spot for you, which I don't think it sounds like it is, or if you are truly unhappy and the pregnancy thing is a deal breaker.

I think you also need to ask yourself if she would want to stay with you if she truly knew how you felt.

 

[Eastoff]

I'm inclined towards what crandc is talking about. I think you might be idealizing this seattle thing because you didn't have to deal with her on a really serious all the time relationship. And I think this idolatry is screwing with your relationship with your wife; comparing something more awesome than it is to something real.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

http://leykis101.com/ask-the-professor

or


Why don't you do a trial separation from your wife, move into your own apartment or something and see how you like life. Make a commitment that you will not date other people, just take some space to "clear your head". Seattle girl doesn't seem too stable and you'll probably waste your time if you get back with her.

 

[THE HCP]

Tough situation man. As a married man, it is hard work. Rewarding but challenging. Sounds like you guys have lost your spark. I've only been with my wife 10 years, so I don't know if that is something you can regain or not. Of course the other chic excites you, she's new/ different...... you don't see her everyday. You deserve to be happy. I think you should break this all down to her and see what she thinks.

 

[Paxil]

If you had been married to Seattle girl for 8 years do you think anything would be different than they are now with your current wife? It is easy to keep things spicy when you don't have to deal with the day to day. Spend all the time and energy you have trying to make things special with your current wife. Relationships are not easy and jumping from one to another is perfectly fine if you are single and want to live that lifestyle... but 8 years ago you decided you didn't. Pick up new hobbies... make sure you two are doing enough apart that you continue to learn and grow and challenge yourselves... get out of your current routine with your wife... take trips and vacations together that may not be your norm... sneak off to bed and breakfast for the weekend. Bottom line for me really is that if you really think it will be different with someone else after the same amount of time... you may find that you are quite wrong and 8 years from now you are in the same position. Break the habbits... evolve... learn that relationships do NOT come easy after years together, but if you want the really special magic with someone you have to realize that only in fairytales does it happen without any effort.

Oh wait... if the current wife isn't a Blazer fan then dump her.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.

 

[chris_in_pdx]

Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.

That movie was awesome.

 

[Rodolfo]

Sounds like Tony Robbins.

 

[Rodolfo]

[video=youtube;EXQ2T3DNWuw]

 

[chris_in_pdx]

Okay, so I appreciate all of your feedback. i suppose I should point out that the Seattle Girl isn't just an infatuation. I've known her for 16 years, as I said. I met her inbetween my first and second marriages to... the same woman (don't ask). She helped me through the second divorce. Before I met my current wife, I asked her to marry me and she said no, because she still had unresolved feelings for a guy that eventually she became engaged to, but never married. Our relationship languished in "good friend" level until about 4 years into my current marriage when our relationship began to grow stronger after the breakup of her and her fiance. We didn't start sleeping together until about a year later, and since then, my love for her grew, both in friendship and desire. Believe me, this is not a case of "grass is greener". I know exactly what I would be getting if I left my wife, the strengths and the weaknesses. My struggle is between my feelings of love, committment, and obligation to my wife, who helped ME and stood by ME in many, many instances during our relationship as I struggled with a gambling problem, and Seattle Girl, whom I consider to be my "soulmate" and can't bear to think about living without for the rest of my life. I can't rightly give up on my marriage without KNOWING IN MY HEAD AND MY HEART that I gave it my best shot to work and failed. I owe my wife that much.

 

[Natebishop3]

Okay, so I appreciate all of your feedback. i suppose I should point out that the Seattle Girl isn't just an infatuation. I've known her for 16 years, as I said. I met her inbetween my first and second marriages to... the same woman (don't ask). She helped me through the second divorce. Before I met my current wife, I asked her to marry me and she said no, because she still had unresolved feelings for a guy that eventually she became engaged to, but never married. Our relationship languished in "good friend" level until about 4 years into my current marriage when our relationship began to grow stronger after the breakup of her and her fiance. We didn't start sleeping together until about a year later, and since then, my love for her grew, both in friendship and desire. Believe me, this is not a case of "grass is greener". I know exactly what I would be getting if I left my wife, the strengths and the weaknesses. My struggle is between my feelings of love, committment, and obligation to my wife, who helped ME and stood by ME in many, many instances during our relationship as I struggled with a gambling problem, and Seattle Girl, whom I consider to be my "soulmate" and can't bear to think about living without for the rest of my life. I can't rightly give up on my marriage without KNOWING IN MY HEAD AND MY HEART that I gave it my best shot to work and failed. I owe my wife that much.

Sounds like Seattle girl might end up breaking your heart if you left your wife for her. She turned you down once, what makes you think she wouldn't do it again? I'm just saying, if Seattle girl is a factor in this debate, you might want to know how she feels about you. Would she want to marry you? Does she love you? Does she consider you to be her soul mate?

 

[Natebishop3]

Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.

You forgot the quotes brotha.

 

[PtldPlatypus]

My primary comment would be that Seattle girl should not factor into the decision on whether or not to continue your marriage. This decision should be solely based on whether or not you can make your marriage work. If you can, then you should. If you can't, then you can't.

I believe that the parenting issue alludes to what is probably the most significant issue at play here. If you don't want to have children, and she does, then it seems unfair to her to prevent her from doing so. However, I suspect that given the choice between you or kids, she would choose you.

If she chose to continue the marriage after you had a three-year affair, and you are "her everything", my impression would be that she's dependent upon you. That doesn't seem healthy. Similarly, you're considering ending your third marriage to embark on a fourth. This suggests that your happiness has been perpetually tied to marital relationships. This also doesn't seem healthy. Each member of a healthy relationship should have the ability to function independently of one another, and then choose (continually) to remain in and contribute to said relationship.

You are going through marriage counseling, but I wonder if the relationship might be helped by each of you going through counseling individually, such that you both learn how to be happy independent of one another, rather than depending on each other to provide your happiness.

 

[chris_in_pdx]

Sounds like Seattle girl might end up breaking your heart if you left your wife for her. She turned you down once, what makes you think she wouldn't do it again? I'm just saying, if Seattle girl is a factor in this debate, you might want to know how she feels about you. Would she want to marry you? Does she love you? Does she consider you to be her soul mate?

Before we ended our relatonship, the answers were yes, yes, and yes. Wouldn't imagine they've changed.

 

[¹²³]

1. It does sound like you've already decided somewhere in your psyche that you want to leave your wife, but you are afraid to go with it because you don't want to hurt her and you don't want to lose your stuff. Those are understandable fears.

Natebishop3 knows what he is talking.

 

[crandc]

In this country you can only have one wife at a time so you do need to choose. And we can all speak but can't decide for you. Sounds like a tough decision, but if you are really convinced you cannot build/rebuild a happy relationship with your wife, better to go since it would in the long run be better for her to hopefully find someone new than to live on with someone who does not want to be there.

 

[DaRizzle]

My primary comment would be that Seattle girl should not factor into the decision on whether or not to continue your marriage. This decision should be solely based on whether or not you can make your marriage work.

This and only this

...damn Chris, with all the shit talk towards me I should have a field day with this...but I wont

 

[chris_in_pdx]

This and only this

...damn Chris, with all the shit talk towards me I should have a field day with this...but I wont

I appreciate it, Rizz. You may be a POS Laker fan, but you are still a human being

 

[andalusian]

In this country you can only have one wife at a time so you do need to choose.

Did Utah leave the union?

 

[andalusian]

You may be a POS Laker fan, but you are still a human being

To Err is human, personified!

 

[Natebishop3]

I appreciate it, Rizz. You may be a POS Laker fan, but you are still a human being

That's a lie and you know it!

 

[VanillaGorilla]

In this country you can only have one wife at a time so you do need to choose. And we can all speak but can't decide for you. Sounds like a tough decision, but if you are really convinced you cannot build/rebuild a happy relationship with your wife, better to go since it would in the long run be better for her to hopefully find someone new than to live on with someone who does not want to be there.

Polygamy should be legal.