Arranged Marriages

[Legacy]

<div class="quote_poster">Mercury Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">How can something like that be true?</div>

 

[Karma]

lol it's not true, it's just frowned upon in the culture, which is kind of ridiculous. I can see why they frown upon sexual activity, but being with someone, kissing, isn't exactly that immoral.

 

[Chutney]

There's a difference between culture and religion, but that's something that most people (especially in South Asia) don't seem to understand. Just because something is frowned upon in a culture, doesn't mean its a sin or outlawed by religion. The things that religions explicitly deny are usually much smaller.

 

[Pakman]

It is true, because in Quran it says one thing leads to another. Going out with a girl is wrong, because it can easily lead to sex.... in Islam.

 

[umair]

<div class="quote_poster">NTC187 Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">lol, what a load of rubbish.

Does she have any facts to back this up?</div>

Load of rubbish? Say what you want, but that's what I was told. And btw, it was a he. I am sure there are tons of stuff about this in Quran. Atleast, give the religion some respect.

You guys might think its true, but that's how it is. Brown parents and brown people usually tell kids about this stuff and not to do it because it may lead to something else.

 

[NJNetz]

<div class="quote_poster">Umair Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">Load of rubbish? Say what you want, but that's what I was told. And btw, it was a he. I am sure there are tons of stuff about this in Quran. Atleast, give the religion some respect.</div>


But it does sound kind of stupid.

 

[umair]

<div class="quote_poster">Mercury Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">But it does sound kind of stupid.</div>

It may sound dumb to you guys because yall are probably Christians. You guys are used to this kind of stuff, going out with girls and stuff, but for us it is different. If you go out with a girl, you better not let your parents know. If you get caught, you get your ass whooped. Parents think it is wrong. I am used to this, that is why I think it is not stupid.

 

[NJNetz]

<div class="quote_poster">Umair Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">It may sound dumb to you guys because yall are probably Christians. You guys are used to this kind of stuff, going out with girls and stuff, but for us it is different. If you go out with a girl, you better not let your parents know. If you get caught, you get your ass whooped. Parents think it is wrong. I am used to this, that is why I think it is not stupid.</div>

Parents whoop your ass because the religion states that it is wrong, and that they were taught against it. Do I dare say that religion might be wrong in this case? I rather not, because I don't want to get into a heated argument.

Just for the records, I follow no religion, but I'm not Atheist either.

 

[B.e.]

That's why you would just practive abstinence, but hey I don't know about the origins of Islam so I can't really say much of anything. I also don't think its fair for people to call it stupid, people have different cultural beliefs, I just let em be.

 

[umair]

<div class="quote_poster">Mercury Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">Parents whoop your ass because the religion states that it is wrong, and that they were taught against it. Do I dare say that religion might be wrong in this case? I rather not, because I don't want to get into a heated argument.

Just for the records, I follow no religion, but I'm not Atheist either.</div>

No dude, you got me wrong. I am not saying "Muslim" parents whoop your ass. It might be different for other Muslims. But for mainly Pakistani Muslims, that's how it is. I was over-exaggerating when I say parents whoop your ass, but your parents will get pissed and mad if they find out your dating a girl. Look, in Islam it is wrong to go out with a girl because it leads to sex and having sex before you get married is wrong. It is not stupid or wrong, but it's just that brown parents want you to be safe virgin till your married which is why they don't want you dating at a young age.

 

[NJNetz]

Going out doesn't always result in sex. If you are a true believer that sex before marriage is wrong, then you should be able to control yourself. You should have a relationship with a girl to a certain extent, based on your believe. Killing the whole "going out" situation isn't exactly right.

 

[umair]

<div class="quote_poster">Mercury Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">Going out doesn't always result in sex. If you are a true believer that sex before marriage is wrong, then you should be able to control yourself. You should have a relationship with a girl to a certain extent, based on your believe. Killing the whole "going out" situation isn't exactly right.</div>

Yes I know that. It doesn't really says in Islam that going out and stuff is wrong. But that's what parents believe. In Islam they say not to have sex before marriage. So therefore, parents think that by letting their kids have the freedom of going out and stuff, they are going to screw up and eventually have sex. Everyone can control themselves, but its just parents that don't want their kids going out, and now it is like a rule amongst Pakistani Muslims to not have a gf/bf. Well that "rule" I guess only applies to young teenagers.

 

[Midnight Green]

So how do they expect you to get to the point of marriage without dating?

 

[B.e.]

<div class="quote_poster">Blur Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">So how do they expect you to get to the point of marriage without dating?</div>
Prearranged marriage probably.

 

[Pakman]

<div class="quote_poster">Blur Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">So how do they expect you to get to the point of marriage without dating?</div>

If you see a girl you like, ask through your friend if she's interested in you... talk to your parents about it ... talk to her about it, get married.

I know for a fact 95% of teenagers wont get married to a girl they are going out with right now. Its too early, once you get older ... it is about getting married. Right now, its just about banging... at this age.

When you get to a certain age, parents want you to go find a girl you like...

 

[NTC]

<div class="quote_poster">Umair Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">It may sound dumb to you guys because yall are probably Christians. You guys are used to this kind of stuff, going out with girls and stuff, but for us it is different. If you go out with a girl, you better not let your parents know. If you get caught, you get your ass whooped. Parents think it is wrong. I am used to this, that is why I think it is not stupid.</div>

Nope, I'm not Christian, I'm nothing, I dont even like being called an Athiest. I dont want to be grouped into any Religious cult. I just want to live my life the way I want, and not how some one else thinks I should be living it.

How did you parents meet by the way? Surely they would have had to have gone on a date or somthing, it couldnt have just 'happened'.

 

[Karma]

Back in the day, brown parents were set up by thier parents (or aunts, or a friend) and were told to "meet with" a certain girl. It's like getting a trade offer, to be honest. A certain team (i.e - a certain girl's parents) shows interest in you and you get called over to their house. You all sit, the girl comes in with the traditional clothes and what not, you guys might get to talk for a while, but it's stupid that you have to base the rest of your life off those 15-20 minutes alone with the girl (mind you, this was during my parent's age, the time may have moved up to 25 minutes now).

I'm not going to exactly follow that process, I just wanna find the right girl so the thought of that won't even come up. Forget 15 minutes, it takes me like 15 months to fully commit to a girl

(just kidding, but you know what I mean...it's too little time).

Parents are more flexible nowadays though.

 

[Pakman]

Tell you the truth ... from what I noticed...

Muslim marriages last longer and chances of Muslims being divorced are much lower than Christians even though a Muslim man is allowed to marry 4 times. I mean, in Pakistan, being divorced is bad. Here, its ... common.

So the way you guys think of our parents being weird and our ways being unusual, it works for us.

 

[Chutney]

Just because marriages last longer, doesn't mean they are better or stronger. Divorce is such a taboo in South Asia. I mean it's considered disrespectful, scandalous, etc, etc. I've seen so many instances where a marriage lasts, but it is such a bad fit and both people don't want to live with each other. Arranged marriages can be real messed up at times. I've seen cases where a guy is real immature and a jackass, so the parents set up him up with some girl hoping that marriage will straighten him out. I've seen one where the parents hid the fact that their son had bipolar disease and the girl basically wasted her life trying to be his caretaker. These people never have divorces, but that doesn't mean their marriage is better than some Western couple that fell in love, grew apart over time, and eventually had a divorce.

These are all extreme cases, but you probably guessed that I'm not a big fan of arranged marriages. In some cases, it works for both people and nowadays it's a lot more flexible, but in general I don't like the idea very much.

 

[Karma]

Co-sign. I know an instance where the guy got an arranged marriage and beat his own wife, was an irresponsible father, etc. Actually, I'm sure there's plenty of cases like that that exist. Divorce shouldn't be a taboo, because it is sometimes necessary. But the way South Asia thinks is that, if you divorce a person, it lessens your credibility/status in society, so therefore, they don't do it. You know the funny thing about some parts of South Asia is that, if you're the girl that gets raped, people looked down on YOU for being raped, and see it as you lost your credibility. Not only that, your family loses thier "status" in socety as well. It's bullshit, and it pisses me off to think the society is so seemingly backwards in terms of social equity. I don't like the fact that social status and perception is the basis for pretty much everything.

 

[Legacy]

My parents told me when I get older and want to get married, I could find a girl and get to know her a bit, sort of like a date, without the kissing. If I really like the girl then I would tell my parents, and they would talk to her parents and maybe arrange something, but that is if she has the same feelings. My parents aren't gonna force me to marry someone I don't like or anything like that.

 

[NJNetz]

^Wait, so you never kissed a girl?

 

[Legacy]

<div class="quote_poster">Mercury Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">^Wait, so you never kissed a girl?</div>

Nah, I have. I went out with a few girls before. Last time I went out with a girl was in 7th-8th grade, but now I am more into religion so I'm not sure if I will go out again.

 

[umair]

Look guys, just to clear it up for yall.

When we are ready to get married. Like about 2 years before we get married, usually our moms or aunts look us a girl for us. Then its like our family goes to their family to see and talk and stuff to know the girl and stuff. In Pakistan, there is no long-time relationships and you eventually get married like it is in USA, it is like in a month. You see a women, you get to know her, your parents go to their house to talk and stuff, if your family likes the girl, then its a marriage. We don't have long-time relationships. It is just an instance. It is very different from USA style.

<div class="quote_poster">Blur Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">So how do they expect you to get to the point of marriage without dating?</div>
In our culture, there is really no dating. You meet the girl, get your family to talk to theirs, between that point and your marriage you are suppose to know and talk to the girl. In Pakistan, we don't have where you know the girl for 5+ years then you marry her. It is very different.

<div class="quote_poster">NTC187 Wrote</div><div class="quote_post">How did you parents meet by the way? Surely they would have had to have gone on a date or somthing, it couldnt have just 'happened'.</div>

To tell you the truth, my parents really didn't date. They met at someone's marriage. My dad liked my mom and somehow my dad's side of the family was somehow related to my mom's. My dad got his parents to talk to my mom's side. Basically, what this whole talk is about is that you get to know each other and each other's family. Like the families would ask each other of their daughter/sons education and crap like that. So my dad's and mom's families talked and they eventually got married within a year or two. You set the wedding date and between that time, I guess you're suppose to know and understand your spouse. It is kind of like dating but a lot of different.

 

[Karma]

Times have changed though. In India, and other South Asian countries, teenagers do date now, although I'm pretty sure it's behind thier parents back. In the Western world, South Asian teens definetly DO date like non-South Asians do, although they obviously don't let thier parents know of thier actions like most non-South Asians.

My parents are cool with girls calling my house (I just tell them they are my friends, which in the majority of cases they are), and they're cool with me talking to girls as well. They however, are not cool with girls coming to my house, or me constantly going to places with girls and talking with girls on the phone when I should be doing something more important, like homework. I have it a little better then most of my other friends though.

One of my friends (she's a girl) isn't even allowed to TALK to guys. Her parents think guys are perhaps the worst thing that could happen and are stingy about her talking to guys, whether it be on the phone, on the computer or in person.

I'm pretty honest with my parents about the (lady) friends in my life. If I'm going to chill with one of them, I'll let my parents know and they trust me that I'm actually just going somewhere with them, as opposed to the traditonal view that I'm just going to have sex with them or something (lol). And this is why I feel like a dick when I lie to them and actually begin dating a girl. It's something I don't wanna do (lie to them), but if I tell them, not only have I 'broken thier trust', but I will also have to break off the relationship as well. It's a lose-lose situation.

 

[umair]

Karma you do know that India is much more modernized than Pakistan right? pakistan being a muslim country, there are some things people don't do like dating in Pakistan.

 

[Karma]

Well, I was referring more to India than anything else. Pakistan is much more strict about these kinda topics as far as I know.

 

[huevonkiller]

Still seems like a tragedy that one can't date a hot girl without getting grief.