dontevenreply.com

[ehizzy3]

http://www.dontevenreply.com

lol have any of you heard of this site? basically a guy tries to mess with people posting ads

*** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter
From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:

Looks like a normal spoon, right?

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/knife2.JPG

Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:

At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.

Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.

This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

 

[ehizzy3]

Original ad:
**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
ay yo girl i gots a ford explorer for you

its not really a 1997 its a 1985
and its not really a ford explorer its a ford bronco but its like the same thing

here are the specs if your interested:
-217,292 miles
-transmission is in good shape, 5th gear and reverse work but the rest dont
-the V6 engine was replaced with a V8, gas mileage is pretty good - i got about 12 mpg highway the other day but that was with premium
-power windows but you have to turn a crank to roll them down
-tape player - it does play but there is a def leppard tape jammed in there and it won't come out. great for def leppard fans!
-i am a smoker so you can smell it in the car, but ill throw in an air-freshener for an extra 10 bucks
-it came with front airbag, but it deployed in my last accident and i didnt get it replaced. broncos are safe though so you wont have to worry about an airbag.
-the air conditioning does not work anymore, but it used to and was really cold.
-heat works if you drive the car for a while
-the frame is bent due to an accident with a tractor trailer, but as long as you dont drive over 40 you shouldnt have any problems
-it can seat five which is good for kids, but the back seat has beer and urine stains. they have been professionally treated with windex
-the rear window is missing, but has been repaired with saran wrap
-you will need to have some minor repairs done: new brakes, the rear axle is missing, needs a new radiator and coolant system. i spoke to my friend who knows a lot about cars and he said it shouldnt cost more than a few bucks.
im asking for $7,500 but am willing to negotiate.
let me know what you think
-ted

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

No thanks.That's not what I'm looking for it's too old and not even the right type of Ford.Have a nice day

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

I'm willing to drop the price to $7,000 and throw in a phil collins cassette tape for the tape player. even though it may seem old, it still runs like it was OJ's bronco. and don't worry about it not being an explorer. all fords are built ford tough.

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

I don't think that you read my ad.I don't have $7000.00 to spend on a truck much less a DAMN 1985 BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!You should be willing to give that old ass piece of shit away.GO AWAY and leave me the hell alone STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

I see you are a tough negotiator. My final offer is $6,900, and I'll include a floormat from my 1983 cutlass supreme. this floormat is brown with several stains and cigarette burns, but it will keep the beautiful bronco interior very clean. please consider this generous offer.

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

READ THE AD 1500 THAT'S IT.I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN FORD BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

Okay, I can see that this luxurious bronco is out of your price range. That is okay. I have a cheaper car that you may be interested in.
It is a 1996 Geo Metro. Almost EXACTLY the same as a Ford Explorer. When looking at the two, I personally can't even tell the difference.
It was my son's car, but he lost his license after his third DUI, so now I am stuck with it. I have no use for it though, and would be willing to sell it to you for $1550.
Features:
- 246,000 HIGHWAY miles
- AM radio, great for traffic reports and radio disney
- 3 great tires from Walmart, they still have about 200 miles worth of tread on them
- Partially functional transmission. Reverse does not work, but you don't really need that anyway.
- Due to a wheel alignment problem, the car can only turn right. But with power steering, it makes turning right easy. Three right turns can make a left.
- No title
- Currently needs brakes, exhaust, cat converter, a front wheel and rotor, and a motor to pass inspection. But as long as you don't get pulled over, who cares about inspection?
- The paint is a metallic/rust red. Some of the spots have rusted through, but I covered it up with duct tape and spray paint. Looks good as new!
- Comes with THE CLUB, a state of the art anti-theft device. But i lost the key to it, so its stuck on the steering wheel. great for leaving your car in west philly!
- The gas tank currently leaks gas, so MPG is around 6 or 7 depending on how fast you drive. You just need to keep plugging the hole with gum.
At that price, this car is a DEAL! Let me know what you think.

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

so you don't want the geo? you're missing out on a dream car. tell you what, for that price, I will also include three old Newsweek magazines, a used toaster, and an old Philadelphia Eagles #81 Terrell Owens jersey.

lolz

Original ad:
Trustworthy and reliable pet sitter available in the area to watch your pets. Your pet will be in good hands and treated with care while you are away. Rates vary - email to discuss.
From Me to **********@**********.org

Hey,

I am away on vacation with my girlfriend for two weeks and completely forgot about her pet fish. Would you be able to go to my house and feed him every day? Normally I wouldn't let a stranger go into my house, but I am desperate and you seem trustworthy. What is your rate? I can pay you online via PayPal, or just give you cash when I get back.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Hi Mike,

Of course I can take care of your fish but I have a few questions first:

- Where do you live? Is there a spare key/garage code/whhatever so I can get in?
- What kind of fish is it and how big is the tank? (If it is a small fish bowl then I can care for the fish at my house)
- Any special instructions for feeding the fish?

My rate for small pets such as fish is $10 per day. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss this over the phone. My number is 610-***-****.

Jenny

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

I live at 211 ******* St (near the Acme shopping center).

The fish is a guppy but it lives in a 55 gallon tank, so you probably can't move it. It just needs one pinch of fish food in the morning and at night (in the jar above the tank).

I don't have a spare key or garage code, so you are going to have to break a window to get in. I have a garden in the backyard where you can find a rock. I would prefer if you didn't break any of the front windows because they are new. I'd suggest breaking the kitchen window in the back of the house. Now when the window breaks, the alarm is probably going to go off. I think the alarm code is 1988, but I'm not entirely sure. It is protocol for the alarm company to send the police when a window is broken, so just tell the police that I hired you to take care of my fish.

When can you be over there? I haven't fed the fish in over a day so I am sure he is really hungry.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

What? That is crazy - I'm not gonna smash a window!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Why don't you feel comfortable breaking a window? Don't worry, I was going to get that window replaced with a wall anyway so my girlfriend can't look outside while she is doing the dishes.

If you are afraid that you aren't strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.

I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

I don't feel right smashing your window bc how would I explain that to the police? And now you want me to hide your drugs? Do you want me to go to jail? Think about what you want me to do and then ask yourself if you would do it in my situation.. I don't think you would!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Think about how Gary (the guppy) feels right now. He is starving, and will most likely die if someone doesn't feed him soon. How selfish of you to put your own interests before the life of another.

Please, just do it for Gary. If he dies, my girlfriend is going to be pissed at me. The last time I accidentally killed one of her pets, she wouldn't have sex with me for a month. Do you know how expensive it is to pay an escort service for sex? Please don't make me go through that again.

If you are afraid of the police, I'll understand. I have a criminal record too, so I get why you don't want to deal with them. How about you smash the window, run in, feed the fish, and run out before they get there? It will probably take them at least five minutes to respond to the alarm.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

No! You are an idiot! I don't have a criminal record you damn moron and I plan on keeping it that way. Don't try to guilt me about your fish because its your own stupid fault for forgetting about him! Just explain to your gf that you are a jackass and forgot to take care of the fish!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

When we get back home and I find the dead fish, I'll have no choice but to explain to my girlfriend that I hired you to take care of the fish and you let him die. I will give her your phone number and let you two sort things out.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Don't you fucking dare you stupid mother fucker!

 

[ehizzy3]

Original ad:
PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want!

Thanks!
From Me to **************@*********.org

Hi there!

I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.

We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat twat." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, bitch" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "cocksucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.

Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song.

The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to shit!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours.

My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally.

I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!

From Me to Sandra ***********

Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan fucking Sam for free.

I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill.

If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.

From Sandra ********* to Me

You are a f*cking lunatic.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.

...

Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY
From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hello,

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

Thanks,

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

Dessert

Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

La Pâtisserie Bourrée
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

Thank you,
Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

what the fuck you actully cater that shit to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you fuckin kidding me. my son in college could make that shit!

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

cut the bullshit fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

Michael

 

[barfo]

Those are great.

It's interesting how much the locale shines through - I doubt you'd get the same responses if you did that in Portland.

barfo

 

[ehizzy3]

Those are great.

It's interesting how much the locale shines through - I doubt you'd get the same responses if you did that in Portland.

barfo

ive thought about trying it lol.....im not sure i am funny enough tho

Original ad:
looking for a ride from wilmington to manhattan next wednesday, any time during the day is good. I will pay for all of your gas as compensation.
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hello,

I am driving to NYC for a business meeting around 10 AM on Wednesday and would be able to give you a ride. Let me know if you still need one.

Mike

From Chris ******* to Me

mike, that sounds great. where do you want to meet to pick me up? i can meet you anywhere in wilmington. also, how much do you want for gas?

chris

Mike Anderson to Chris *******

Chris,

I shouldn't need too much money for gas. I drive a Hummer H2 with a swapped motor, so gas really isn't a problem. It gets about 4 MPG highway and only takes premium, so I'd say about $100 should cover it.

Mike

From Chris ******* to Me

what do you mean gas isnt a problem? 4 mpg is ridiculous. I was expecting to pay like 20 or 30 bucks tops! sorry but I'll have to pass

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

If you only want to pay 30 bucks, that can get you as far as Exit 7 on the Jersey Turnpike. I can drop you off there, and you can hitchhike the rest of the way. I'm pretty sure hitchhiking is still legal in NJ so it shouldn't be a problem for you. I can pick you up on Naaman's Road in Wilmington by the Target shopping center around 9:30.

From Chris ******* to Me

are you serious? no I dont want to be dropped off in the middle of the turnpike. forget it

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

Okay, I can give you a ride to Manhattan for $30, but in return, we need to stop at this guy's house in New Brunswick to get some money that he owes me. He's been dodging my calls, so he probably won't be too willing to give the money when we show up at his house. I need you to stand there and look intimidating so he realizes we mean business. How big are you? You should be at least 5'11 and 200 lbs. You can bring a big friend if you are scrawny, but you should ask him to throw up some gas money too.

From Chris ******* to Me

what the fuck is wrong with you? you sound like a drug dealer. i dont want to ride to manhattan with you

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

Chris, I'm sorry that you have turned down my ride. I think you should change your ad on ********** to avoid any further confusion. I re-wrote it for you so all you have to do is click "edit" and then paste this where the original ad is:

"scrawny man, not capable of intimidating people, looking for a ride from wilmington to new york. not willing to be reasonable in compensation for gas. will most likely complain about stupid stuff the whole ride up"

From Chris ******* to Me

fuck off asshole

 

[Sedatedfork]

Omg I am laughing so hard at these. Thanks for the new timesuck

 

[Minstrel]

The one about the ride from Wilmington to Manhatten is particularly great.

 

[BlazersBlood]

Those are awesome. Thanks. That site is right up there with http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/ but with a reality show twist. Love it.

 

[Mamba]

 

[ehizzy3]

Omg I am laughing so hard at these. Thanks for the new timesuck

haha your welcome

 

[Natebishop3]

People are so gullible.

 

[Sedatedfork]

Yeah, I don't know that these are real. They all seem to be written with similar responses, but who cares, they are still funny.

This one was my fave

Original ad:
I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!
From Me to ************@comcast.net

Good afternoon.

My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

Sincerely,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

- Kate

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

From Kate ******** to Me

Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


(later, from another e-mail account)

From Nick Walken to Kate **********

Dear Kate,

I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

Nick

From Kate ******** to Me

what in the hell...

 

[Sedatedfork]

I just checked the most recent one... lol!

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=87

Original ad:
Free Graphic Design Needed
I need someone who wants to do some graphic design work to design an ad for my business in the local newspaper. Would look great for your portfolio. Email me if you can help. Thanks


From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I am just starting my career as a graphic designer and have helped design several ads featured in various magazines. I would be happy to help you with your ad. Can you tell me what you had in mind?

Thanks,

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Hi Mike! I own a new hair salon for men called Sporty's Haircuts. The ad will be 2 inches by 4 inches and featured in the local newspaper. We don't have a logo or slogan. The ad simply needs to say the name of the business, and our address and phone number:

124 South ****** Ave
(***)-***-****

It needs to be attention-grabbing and also include a graphic related to haircuts. I don't have any images so you will have to design them. Please don't have anything boring (i.e. a graphic of scissors.)

Thank you so much for your help!

Lucy

From Me to Lucy *******:

Sounds good, Lucy. I'll get back to you within a day with the proposed ad for your review.

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Great. Thank you Mike!

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy,

I have attached the first draft of the ad. Please let me know what you think.

Mike

Attachment:


From Lucy ******* to Me:

Mike, I don't completely understand the ad. Could you please explain what you were going for with that graphic?

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy,

It is a man admiring his new haircut while a woman is crouching down to clean up the hair clippings on the floor below him.

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Oh. That’s not what think when I look at it. It looks very suggestive to me. Why is "downtown" and "service" in quotes?

From Me to Lucy *******:

How is that suggestive? The only thing it suggests to me is that I will be getting a very admirable haircut and quality service. The fact that the woman is already cleaning up the hair clippings while the man is still in the chair suggests that your store is quick, efficient, and clean.

Downtown is in quotes because it is short for Downtown *******, and I put "Service" in quotes to suggest that you will be getting much "more" than a haircut, such as helpful employees, great deals, and friendly smiles. If you do not offer great deals or friendly smiles, then I apologize for the mistake and will remove the quotes from around "Service." Otherwise, I don't understand what your problem is with the ad.

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Cut the BS, Mike. You know exactly what you did. Are you going to keep wasting my time or design the real ad?

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy, can you please explain why you are unhappy with the ad? I can't make changes if you are being so vague about everything. Would you like me to have the woman holding scissors and a hair comb?

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Leave me alone.

 

[Eastoff]

OH SHiiiiiii that last one is awesome!

 

[The Professional Fan]

I just checked the most recent one... lol!

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=87

Original ad:
Free Graphic Design Needed
I need someone who wants to do some graphic design work to design an ad for my business in the local newspaper. Would look great for your portfolio. Email me if you can help. Thanks


From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I am just starting my career as a graphic designer and have helped design several ads featured in various magazines. I would be happy to help you with your ad. Can you tell me what you had in mind?

Thanks,

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Hi Mike! I own a new hair salon for men called Sporty's Haircuts. The ad will be 2 inches by 4 inches and featured in the local newspaper. We don't have a logo or slogan. The ad simply needs to say the name of the business, and our address and phone number:

124 South ****** Ave
(***)-***-****

It needs to be attention-grabbing and also include a graphic related to haircuts. I don't have any images so you will have to design them. Please don't have anything boring (i.e. a graphic of scissors.)

Thank you so much for your help!

Lucy

From Me to Lucy *******:

Sounds good, Lucy. I'll get back to you within a day with the proposed ad for your review.

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Great. Thank you Mike!

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy,

I have attached the first draft of the ad. Please let me know what you think.

Mike

Attachment:


From Lucy ******* to Me:

Mike, I don't completely understand the ad. Could you please explain what you were going for with that graphic?

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy,

It is a man admiring his new haircut while a woman is crouching down to clean up the hair clippings on the floor below him.

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Oh. That’s not what think when I look at it. It looks very suggestive to me. Why is "downtown" and "service" in quotes?

From Me to Lucy *******:

How is that suggestive? The only thing it suggests to me is that I will be getting a very admirable haircut and quality service. The fact that the woman is already cleaning up the hair clippings while the man is still in the chair suggests that your store is quick, efficient, and clean.

Downtown is in quotes because it is short for Downtown *******, and I put "Service" in quotes to suggest that you will be getting much "more" than a haircut, such as helpful employees, great deals, and friendly smiles. If you do not offer great deals or friendly smiles, then I apologize for the mistake and will remove the quotes from around "Service." Otherwise, I don't understand what your problem is with the ad.

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Cut the BS, Mike. You know exactly what you did. Are you going to keep wasting my time or design the real ad?

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy, can you please explain why you are unhappy with the ad? I can't make changes if you are being so vague about everything. Would you like me to have the woman holding scissors and a hair comb?

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Leave me alone.

So god damned funny! This guy is a genius.