OT Drunks in denial...

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Orion Bailey

Orion Bailey

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Anyone ever have to deal with a live in family member who wont stop drinking and cant get past denial?

im losing it over here and don't know what to do...
 
Are they an abusive drunk?

Video record them when they're drunk and then show it to them when they're sober. Sometimes when they see how bad it is it's enough to make them want to change. And if they want to change you need to get professional help like rehab.

Are the drinking to mask pain or loss? If you know the reason behind the drinking again talk to a mental health professional.
 
Orion Bailey said:
Anyone ever have to deal with a live in family member who wont stop drinking and cant get past denial?

im losing it over here and don't know what to do...
Click to expand...
Get an AA sponsor to talk with them...take them to a meeting. Usually only a hard core alcoholic can talk to an alcoholic on the same level....sober ones are the best guides. Mention how losing driving privileges are around the corner....and if it's me....lead by example....become a booze free household. I've been completely sober for years now and I can attest to the fact that life is more fun sober than drunk. If it's severe...check the person into a rehab facility and let professionals have a crack at it. Interventions are the only way when all else has been tried....the last thing drunks want to do is give up being drunk....12 step programs work
 
Man, sorry to hear this. I have family members somewhat in that same boat. The deaf ears can be disheartening.
 
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SlyPokerDog said:
Are they an abusive drunk?

Video record them when they're drunk and then show it to them when they're sober. Sometimes when they see how bad it is it's enough to make them want to change. And if they want to change you need to get professional help like rehab.

Are the drinking to mask pain or loss? If you know the reason behind the drinking again talk to a mental health professional.
Click to expand...

self pity drunk. Whoa is me. Masking pain from a 20 year old divorce and the fact that he thought his father was someone else until he was 17 and found out at the airport while about to fly overseas.

video taping is good. Ill try that. He has no clue how he is when he is drunk.
 
riverman said:
Get an AA sponsor to talk with them...take them to a meeting. Usually only a hard core alcoholic can talk to an alcoholic on the same level....sober ones are the best guides. Mention how losing driving privileges are around the corner....and if it's me....lead by example....become a booze free household. I've been completely sober for years now and I can attest to the fact that life is more fun sober than drunk. If it's severe...check the person into a rehab facility and let professionals have a crack at it. Interventions are the only way when all else has been tried....the last thing drunks want to do is give up being drunk....12 step programs work
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ive tried several times. There are meetings at the church next door( well used to be prior to covid) and everything but his denial tells him he doesnt have a big problem.
Until i can get him to understand/ admit he has a real problem i cant get any further with him.

crandc said:
Not family but acquaintance. I finally ended contact with him. I'm not a shrink.
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hard to end contact. I built a father in law apartment in our basement for him. but it has gotten to the point where my wife and i are thinking of selling and downsizing to get him away from us.

Last year he called the cops on me when i confiscated his bottle.

i just cant deal with it anymore without turning into someone i dont like or just going insane myself...

i tried to accept it for what it is, considering his age but i cant. It kills me to watch this slow suicide by alcohol.
 
I have had a few drunk roommates over the years. Its sucks to live with people like that. They would follow me all over the house talking at me until I would pretend to go to the bathroom just to ditch them, then they talked at me through the door. If they were talking at me while I was watching TV and I increased the volume they would just talk louder. I say talk at and not talk too because its not a conversation, its like being verbally assaulted and nothing you say matters to anything. Then there is the whole cleaning up after them part and them living off your resources and not contributing.

Sucks man but you got to kick them out or at least start getting comfortable with the idea of kicking them out. You are their enabler and you are not helping this person. Nothing you do or say will make them change their behavior until they want to change, and if you enable them they have no reason to want to change. By helping them at this point in their addiction you are just contributing to the addiction and "slow sucide" you are witnessing. If this person is intent on killing themselves with alcohol then make them do it somewhere that you dont have to watch and feel guilty about it.
 
I too have dealt with family and friends who have substance abuse issues. And after trying all the “nice” ways to deal with it, I found out there is no easy way. It’s the hard way or no way. Time to change the locks and have a heart to heart chat with local law enforcement as to why you are not allowing this individual access to YOUR property. Make it clear to LE that you have no legal responsibility for this individual. Substance abusers are not going to change until they hit rock bottom (at least once). I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OB. Especially when it’s family. I am currently dealing with a similar situation with a longtime friend and that is tough enough. Family is even tougher. But always keep in the front of your mind the the actual problem is not yours, it is THEIRS. And only they can fix it. Tough Love Bro. It’s the only way. And thank your lucky stars that your wife is in this with you and that you are on the same page. Hold onto that first and foremost because THAT is what matters most. Don’t let this damage the best of what you have. The only two people you owe in this life are your wife and yourself. You’ve bent over backwards to this point and any debts you might feel have all been paid. Time to move forward. It’s theirs to fix or fuck up. If there is anything I can do, let me know.
 
Orion Bailey said:
self pity drunk. Whoa is me. Masking pain from a 20 year old divorce and the fact that he thought his father was someone else until he was 17 and found out at the airport while about to fly overseas.

video taping is good. Ill try that. He has no clue how he is when he is drunk.
Click to expand...

Sounds like my dad. He quit drinking for awhile then went back to it. Drank until the day he died. All you can do is continuing to be a good influence and a support. He has to decided to stop. Only when he sobers up can he face his denial.
 
Mental help along with some type of rehab.

You can't quit drinking while the underlying mental stress from the past, or whatever, goes undealt with.

If nothing else, get them to switch to cannabis. It is easier on the body, and liver.
 
Very tough. Not sure of his age, mobility etc, but how does he get alcohol? If he still drives or walks to the store, not much you can do I guess to stop him from buying. But he needs to leave. I assume he doesnt have anywhere to go, but unfortunately, thats not your problem. He needs to be cut out of your life until he is clean, and you just have to tell him that. Not sure how he'll stop without help - Alanon, etc., but again, you can maybe give him a little help with that, then its on him. Sucks, all of it. Family stuff is sometimes just impossible to manage. But first and foremost has to be you and whoever else you live with.
 
Orion Bailey said:
ive tried several times. There are meetings at the church next door( well used to be prior to covid) and everything but his denial tells him he doesnt have a big problem.
Until i can get him to understand/ admit he has a real problem i cant get any further with him.



hard to end contact. I built a father in law apartment in our basement for him. but it has gotten to the point where my wife and i are thinking of selling and downsizing to get him away from us.

Last year he called the cops on me when i confiscated his bottle.

i just cant deal with it anymore without turning into someone i dont like or just going insane myself...

i tried to accept it for what it is, considering his age but i cant. It kills me to watch this slow suicide by alcohol.
Click to expand...
I went through a tough time with my bother who had a terrible addiction and everyone was wrong and he was right on just about all things. This went on since he was a teenager into his late 40's and I haven't seen him since the death of our father about 20 years ago. He would go in to rehab, get out and it would start all over again. Numerous times at the hospital while they bring him back after overdoses. It got confrontational with guns and motorcycles and I finally had to set myself free from him as I was married raising kids and he required 100 plus percent investment of time and money of which I just couldn't do anymore. He's tried contact me over the years but Im just not wanting too see him as I know it will require more than Im able to handle anymore. There comes a point where a line is crossed.
 
Orion Bailey said:
self pity drunk. Whoa is me. Masking pain from a 20 year old divorce and the fact that he thought his father was someone else until he was 17 and found out at the airport while about to fly overseas.

video taping is good. Ill try that. He has no clue how he is when he is drunk.
Click to expand...

Binge drinker? Daily drinker? Both?
 
Orion Bailey said:
Anyone ever have to deal with a live in family member who wont stop drinking and cant get past denial?

im losing it over here and don't know what to do...
Click to expand...
What kind of denial are you talking about? Denial that his behavior is awful when he's drunk? Or denial that he has a problem whatsoever?
 
Thank goodness not a problem in my family. We had wine Shabbat and holidays, including children who got thimbleful, but that was considered religion, not drinking. My parents served alcohol when they had parties. Most of the women had one drink, men maybe two, then they had iced tea or soft drinks. I got bombed from time to time in college, who hasn't, but ironically by the time I hit 21 getting drunk had lost its luster. Have a cocktail or glass of wine occasionally. One only. I guess I drink like my mother did!
 
crandc said:
Thank goodness not a problem in my family. We had wine Shabbat and holidays, including children who got thimbleful, but that was considered religion, not drinking. My parents served alcohol when they had parties. Most of the women had one drink, men maybe two, then they had iced tea or soft drinks. I got bombed from time to time in college, who hasn't, but ironically by the time I hit 21 getting drunk had lost its luster. Have a cocktail or glass of wine occasionally. One only. I guess I drink like my mother did!
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Thank you for telling us about your family as you didn’t offer any advice to the OP.l and his situation.

I’m moved by it. Totally narcissistic posts take courage.
 
RoseCityRebel said:
Thank you for telling us about your family as you didn’t offer any advice to the OP.l and his situation.

I’m moved by it. Totally narcissistic posts take courage.
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Please. It helps sometimes to hear what others have gone through. Your post that felt it necessary to call someone out is far more narcissistic.
 
It took a while, but it became difficult not to show ones true colors, which is a shame because it kind of derailed the thread.

Back to the topic:

OB, have you been able to seek out some kind of help for your self and the family member you're dealing with?
 
Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts and advice. Unfortunately most everything has already been tried. i'm struggling with the "get him out of my life" part, as he is my father. He can still drive, but likely not much longer. Ive tried taking his keys, i've tried family interventions, i've had a friend 20years sober and still active AA contact him, nothign works because he doesn't think he has a real problem.
Its not just pushing my own father away, that is a struggle in its own, but its also to the extent of the life changing event it would take for myself and my wife. We have put alot of time and effort into our house and plans for long term care for him and in order to push him out, we will likely need to sell and relocate. I wish it were as easy as changing the locks @UncleCliffy'sDaddy. You've been to my place. Ive got it fixed up better than ever and have put alot of time into it. Hard to give up.

Ive discussed this with our family, etc. All sympathetic, but not willing to get overly involved. Some hard choices ahead...
 
SlyPokerDog said:
Binge drinker? Daily drinker? Both?
Click to expand...

The Professional Fan said:
What kind of denial are you talking about? Denial that his behavior is awful when he's drunk? Or denial that he has a problem whatsoever?
Click to expand...


all of the above. binge and daily. some days less some days more.

Denial of it all. His behavior when hes drunk and whether he even has a real problem.
 
Orion Bailey said:
Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts and advice. Unfortunately most everything has already been tried. i'm struggling with the "get him out of my life" part, as he is my father. He can still drive, but likely not much longer. Ive tried taking his keys, i've tried family interventions, i've had a friend 20years sober and still active AA contact him, nothign works because he doesn't think he has a real problem.
Its not just pushing my own father away, that is a struggle in its own, but its also to the extent of the life changing event it would take for myself and my wife. We have put alot of time and effort into our house and plans for long term care for him and in order to push him out, we will likely need to sell and relocate. I wish it were as easy as changing the locks @UncleCliffy'sDaddy. You've been to my place. Ive got it fixed up better than ever and have put alot of time into it. Hard to give up.

Ive discussed this with our family, etc. All sympathetic, but not willing to get overly involved. Some hard choices ahead...
Click to expand...

You're in a really tough situation. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Can you take a couple of weeks off from work and maybe rent a cabin some where out out out in the woods for just you two? Maybe try to sober him up? What is the longest he's gone without drinking? I know some native american tribes do something like this.
 
julius said:
It took a while, but it became difficult not to show ones true colors, which is a shame because it kind of derailed the thread.

Back to the topic:

OB, have you been able to seek out some kind of help for your self and the family member you're dealing with?
Click to expand...

I think the help is making a firm decision and sticking to it. Ive spent too much of my life trying to help others who don't want to help themselves and its made me somewhat jaded. How do you help someone who will not admit they need help? I keep trying and its pushing me to a breaking point.
 
Orion Bailey said:
I think the help is making a firm decision and sticking to it. Ive spent too much of my life trying to help others who don't want to help themselves and its made me somewhat jaded. How do you help someone who will not admit they need help? I keep trying and its pushing me to a breaking point.
Click to expand...

But it's your dad and that is going to give you a ton more of additional stress and guilt. I do think you and your wife should see a councilor so you try to not beat yourself up over this.
 
SlyPokerDog said:
You're in a really tough situation. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Can you take a couple of weeks off from work and maybe rent a cabin some where out out out in the woods for just you two? Maybe try to sober him up? What is the longest he's gone without drinking? I know some native American tribes do something like this.
Click to expand...

If he goes more than 24-48 hours sober, he get sick and gets the shakes. In order for him to get sober, I think it will require some in patient treatment to ensure his stability health wise.
 
Orion Bailey said:
If he goes more than 24-48 hours sober, he get sick and gets the shakes. In order for him to get sober, I think it will require some in patient treatment to ensure his stability health wise.
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I would talk to an attorney and see what would be needed to get a limited power of attorney to make medical decisions for your father. I have no idea if this is an option but it might be worth looking into. If you can get a medical power of attorney you can force him into rehab.
 
Orion Bailey said:
I think the help is making a firm decision and sticking to it. Ive spent too much of my life trying to help others who don't want to help themselves and its made me somewhat jaded. How do you help someone who will not admit they need help? I keep trying and its pushing me to a breaking point.
Click to expand...

You can't, but you also can't make your life worse for them. But at the same time, its not easy to cut them off, etc.
 
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