OT Drunks in denial...

[calvin natt]

I wonder what he would say if you told him you can’t take care of him in this current state - drunk - so he might have to go to a long term care facility. Make him choose

 

[donkiez]

I wonder what he would say if you told him you can’t take care of him in this current state - drunk - so he might have to go to a long term care facility. Make him choose

I feel like this is potentially a good tactic to take. You can throw in a few "it may not be a problem for you, but it is a problem for me so now it is a problem for you." something along those lines.

 

[stampedehero]

I witnessed my twin nephews binge drink, going through emotional holocaust, crying and repeating the same thing over and over, when obliterated. You can't communicate when someone is not receptive. I never thought they would become that way but they turned into human wrecks. As @riverman said, AA sponsoring could help them. They did not seek help. Their father died at 48. I really miss my brother in law. He tried to give them encouragement and opportunity and it seemed they were going to endure but after he died they became hopeless binge drinkers.

 

[Lanny]

Anyone ever have to deal with a live in family member who wont stop drinking and cant get past denial?

im losing it over here and don't know what to do...

Yes, but it was a friend and not a relative.
I did have two uncles who were nasty bad alcoholics. They both drank Alabama moonshine and chain smoked unfiltered cigarettes. We basically gave up on them. They died penniless and in squalor. One of them had diabetes and lost both his legs. He was a Veteran but couldn't get any VA care because he deserted the Army during WWII while stationed somewhere in the S.E. The other one was a success, owning three businesses and having four beautiful daughters. One evening his wife gave him some papers to sign. Those papers turned over his house to his wife who promptly divorced him. One of his daughters got her PhD in Chemical engineering and now teaches at Princeton alongside her husband who also got a PhD in Chemical engineering and also teaches at Princeton. He told me many times that he was glad his wife took the house because he would have lost it. His ex wife and four daughters never got in touch with him before he died. He was a war hero in both WWII and the Korean War in the paratroopers. Both stories are so sad that if my father hadn't railed against the evils of alcohol so ardently I would have cried over their tragic lives. Instead I just promised myself that I'd never turn out like that.
My stepfather was an alcoholic and my mother use to talk about how AA got her thru. She even took me to one of their meetings.
So, my advice is to either go to Alcoholics Anonymous or brace yourself for the worst. Incidentally, the alcoholic does not need to be the one who goes to AA, you can go yourself. My stepfather never attended any meetings. He was a different sort of alcoholic. He functioned professionally and brought the bacon home to support my mother and spend money on me and my brother.

 

[Lanny]

One of my uncles on my mom's side was shot dead by a group of VC soldiers when he was drunk and mouthed off to them. He was 20 at the time. I'd never met him, but his son is one of my closest cousins. My grandfather made his other sons to swear off alcohol (in a country in which probably 50% of the men were raging alcoholics). My uncle and my mom in turn made me swear off alcohol. I have never drank and never had any inclination to drink.

My father told me and my brother that if we ever became alcoholics we would have to get the hell out of his house. That shook me up because I thought that no matter what, my father and I were tight. My grandfather was another sloppy drunk. He also drank Alabama moonshine and chain smoked unfiltered cigarettes, ate Southern food to excess, including a lot of fat back. Would get so drunk he'd chase everyone out of the house in a rage shouting he'd kill them. All the kids had to go out the windows and doors and hide in the woods. After breaking many of grandma's dishes, granddad would pass out on the bed and piss in his sleep. He lived into his 80s, amazing.
Come on, everyone has an alcoholic in their family somewhere. I've had other alcoholic relatives but those three were the worst.

 

[Lanny]

I'm not too tight with my dad' side of the family, but there are a few raging alcoholics there. From Arkansas, so probably the same type of drunks from your side.

Yep. Tragic. One aunt on my father's side was an alcoholic and one Atlanta, Georgia on my mother's side was an alcoholic. My mom's two brothers and her other sister were not alcoholics nor was my father nor his four other sisters.
I drank a lot in college, once consuming 18 glasses of beer but I never had a problem with it and now rarely drink.

 

[tlongII]

I only drink when I'm alone or with somebody.

 

[riverman]

If he goes more than 24-48 hours sober, he get sick and gets the shakes. In order for him to get sober, I think it will require some in patient treatment to ensure his stability health wise.

If he won't talk to an AA sponsor try to contact Senior Disabled Services....the county may help you with this and provide some counselors to help out and lay down some parameters for him to keep his independence. What you don't need to do in my view is move anywhere...you're building a recording studio and have your own life to consider...drunks don't get to derail your life for their own self pity and irresponsible behavior. It's tough love time as UCD said earlier

 

[crandc]

Honestly not aware of any alcoholics in my family. Plenty of other problems, just not that. In fact Jews have one of the lowest rated of alcoholism in the world. Chinese even lower. Yet we are not teetotalers. Probably a combination of fortunate genetics, there is some genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction, and cultural, drunkenness is severely frowned on.

As others have said and as I learned from former friend, it's damn near impossible to help someone who won't admit a problem. If your dad has a primary care doctor, try talking to him/ her. Wish I could provide a better answer.

 

[Lanny]

I only drink when I'm alone or with somebody.

That's quite the expansive Venn diagram.

 

[Lanny]

I suggest you and your wife go to some AA meetings and you can get some good pointers there.

 

[riverman]

I only drink when I'm alone or with somebody.

How long have you had this imaginary drinking buddy?

 

[SlyPokerDog]

How long have you had this imaginary drinking buddy?

Since he got him an SS# and could claim him as a dependent on his taxes.

 

[Orion Bailey]

He’ll have to want to quit drinking. It’s really all up to him. Not much you can do.

So true.

I would talk to an attorney and see what would be needed to get a limited power of attorney to make medical decisions for your father. I have no idea if this is an option but it might be worth looking into. If you can get a medical power of attorney you can force him into rehab.

actually been looking into that this week. Waiting on some call backs. I had power of attorney of my grandmother when i had her moved down her by me but she was willing and accepting and it was easy. Now i cant get anyone on the phone and am waiting on a couple callbacks.

You can't, but you also can't make your life worse for them. But at the same time, its not easy to cut them off, etc.

not easy is the understatement of the year.

I wonder what he would say if you told him you can’t take care of him in this current state - drunk - so he might have to go to a long term care facility. Make him choose

I feel like this is potentially a good tactic to take. You can throw in a few "it may not be a problem for you, but it is a problem for me so now it is a problem for you." something along those lines.

oh that has been the tone from the get go really.

If he won't talk to an AA sponsor try to contact Senior Disabled Services....the county may help you with this and provide some counselors to help out and lay down some parameters for him to keep his independence. What you don't need to do in my view is move anywhere...you're building a recording studio and have your own life to consider...drunks don't get to derail your life for their own self pity and irresponsible behavior. It's tough love time as UCD said earlier

we have tried all sorts of things, from looking into a vets program that helps addicts and what not. But nothing works because he is in denial.

Honestly not aware of any alcoholics in my family. Plenty of other problems, just not that. In fact Jews have one of the lowest rated of alcoholism in the world. Chinese even lower. Yet we are not teetotalers. Probably a combination of fortunate genetics, there is some genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction, and cultural, drunkenness is severely frowned on.

As others have said and as I learned from former friend, it's damn near impossible to help someone who won't admit a problem. If your dad has a primary care doctor, try talking to him/ her. Wish I could provide a better answer.

i appreciate your attempt at comfort. and yep. Impossible to help someone who wont admit to having a problem.

I suggest you and your wife go to some AA meetings and you can get some good pointers there.

we have met with AA members. Ive very familiar with it as alchohol runs in my family and at one point about 20 years ago i was busted with possession of some marijuana and had to attend na meetings for a while.
Im very familiar with them, but you are right. Explaining to them the situation might provide for some out of the box answers/suggestions.

Thanks everyone. Been a tough week.