Stomp, please waddle yourself to your car and drive through my neighborhood (if it will even run), so I can stop your car, dump snow on and in it, pelt your face with ice balls and mock you with about 25-40 of my friends.
But of course...you would never stand for that...because, it's wrong. Right? You'll complain over being called a funny name and cry over being targeted for days in a row, even though no offense was meant and it was all in fun. I doubt you'll get the irony.
Assault? Really? Do we need to bring up recent arrests, guilty pleas, no contest pleas to a vast number of charges in the mean streets of Eugene over the past few years? I thought you followed Oregon football.