Funny Joke of the day

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Great thread!
 
Little johnny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, it's RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johnny replies I know teacher it's an apple, The teacher replies, no little johnny, But I like the way you think.
So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, it's YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johnny replies I know teacher, it's a banana. The teacher replies, no little johnny, it's a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johnny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, It's ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johnny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johnny replies, for what teacher, it's just a quarter, but I like the way you think.
 
Mediocre Man said:
Got my first prostate exam. About 1/2 way through my dr told me "no reason to be embarrassed, erections happen all the time. I said to the dr that I didn't have an erection. Then he said "I was talking about me"





I should have known something was up when I asked him where to put my pants and he said "over on the chair next to mine"
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Man goes to the proctologist with a horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids.

“Doctor, you gotta help me! I have this horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids!”

“Oh my gosh! That is the most horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids I have ever seen! Are you in intense pain?!”

“Yes doctor! Please, is their anything you can do?! Can you numb it?!

“I thought you’d never ask!”

NUM NUM NUM NUM
 
3RA1N1AC said:
Man goes to the proctologist with a horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids.

“Doctor, you gotta help me! I have this horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids!”

“Oh my gosh! That is the most horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids I have ever seen! Are you in intense pain?!”

“Yes doctor! Please, is their anything you can do?! Can you numb it?!

“I thought you’d never ask!”

NUM NUM NUM NUM
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That is a real gross one.
 
MarAzul said:
Perhaps Leviticus' characterization of this is correct.
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If the offering is a burnt offering from the herd, you are to offer a male without defect. You must present it at the entrance to the tent of meeting so that it will be acceptable to the Lord. You are to lay your hand on the head of the burnt offering, and it will be accepted on your behalf to make atonement for you. You are to slaughter the young bull before the Lord, and then Aaron’s sons the priests shall bring the blood and splash it against the sides of the altar at the entrance to the tent of meeting. You are to skin the burnt offering and cut it into pieces. The sons of Aaron the priest are to put fire on the altar and arrange wood on the fire. Then Aaron’s sons the priests shall arrange the pieces, including the head and the fat, on the wood that is burning on the altar. You are to wash the internal organs and the legs with water, and the priest is to burn all of it on the altar. It is a burnt offering, a food offering, an aroma pleasing to the Lord.
 
B B Kings wife decided for their anniversary to do something special. She went to the tattoo parlor and got a B tattooed on each cheek.

When B B came home she turned around, bent over and shouted "happy anniversary!"

To which B B said "who the hell is BOB?"
 
Mediocre Man said:
B B Kings wife decided for their anniversary to do something special. She went to the tattoo parlor and got a B tattooed on each cheek.

When B B came home she turned around, bent over and shouted "happy anniversary!"

To which B B said "who the hell is BOB?"
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The "W" is reversible though...spells both MOM and WOW
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
Guy goes into a grocery store. A woman walks up and says "you're the father of one of my children." The man thinks for a moment and replies...."oh ya, I remember. We met last year at my buddies bachelor party. You let me fuck you 10 different ways, then you stuck a finger up my ass and I came."

She said "no, I'm your son's 6th grade teacher at St. Bernadette's."
 
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he’s about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm… That was some good lion meat!” The lion screeches to a halt and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can” and then runs away.

Over in a tree, a monkey sees everything and realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So the monkey climbs on the lion’s back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, “Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
 
e_blazer said:
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he’s about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm… That was some good lion meat!” The lion screeches to a halt and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can” and then runs away.

Over in a tree, a monkey sees everything and realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So the monkey climbs on the lion’s back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, “Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
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I've seen that joke before. I think it was in here.
 
e_blazer said:
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he’s about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm… That was some good lion meat!” The lion screeches to a halt and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can” and then runs away.

Over in a tree, a monkey sees everything and realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So the monkey climbs on the lion’s back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, “Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
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This Dog is way smarter than SPD. heh. :emotions:
 
A beloved mailman is retiring after 30 year on the same route.
On his last day, families took the time to thank him.

One family gave him a 12 year old bottle of scotch. A few doors down, another gave him a box of expensive cigars. And many others, cash. About done with his route he went up to a house and a beautiful blonde opened the door. Without saying a word, the woman took him upstairs to her bedroom and fulfilled every sexual fantasy the man had. After they were done, she led him downstairs where there was a glorious breakfast waiting for him. Everything he could possibly want to eat. As the mailman leaned back, exhausted from the sex and stuffed from the food, the woman handed him $1. The mailman looked puzzled and said "ma'am, that sex was wonderful, and breakfast was delightful, but what on earth is the dollar for?"

The woman replied that since they hadn't lived there that long she asked her husband what to do for him. "He said fuck him, give him $1. But breakfast was my idea"
 
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Guy comes home and tells his wife that he hates his job at the pickle factory so much he wants to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

She says "please don't," and suggests he seek mental health.

Several months go by and he has never spoken about it since.

One day he mopes in the door and says, "well, I did it. I hate it so much there that I unzipped my pants, whipped my dick out, and stuck it in the pickle slicer."

The wife screams and says "what happened?" The man replies that he got fired. And the wife says, "no, with the pickle slicer."

The man says, "oh, she got fired too"
 
Mediocre Man said:
Guy comes home and tells his wife that he hates his job at the pickle factory so much he wants to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

She says "please don't," and suggests he seek mental health.

Several months go by and he has never spoken about it since.

One day he mopes in the door and says, "well, I did it. I hate it so much there that I unzipped my pants, whipped my dick out, and stuck it in the pickle slicer."

The wife screams and says "what happened?" The man replies that he got fired. And the wife says, "no, with the pickle slicer."

The man says, "oh, she got fired too"
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All your jokes have been good but this one is a masterpiece.
 
Lanny said:
All your jokes have been good but this one is a masterpiece.
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Just to be clear, none of these are my jokes. Most are old street jokes with my, or someone elses spin on it.

But I'm really happy you like them. That's what thread is for. A smile, chuckle, or outright laugh.
 
Mediocre Man said:
Just to be clear, none of these are my jokes. Most are old street jokes with my, or someone elses spin on it.

But I'm really happy you like them. That's what thread is for. A smile, chuckle, or outright laugh.
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You found them, you presented them, that's why I said 'your'.
 
My wife, supposed to be my life partner, let me down last week. I was really feeling bad about myself. I told my wife that I looked in the mirror and saw a fat, ugly, old man staring back at me, and needed some words of encouragement. She said well, your eyesight is damn near perfect.
 
Mediocre Man said:
My wife, supposed to be my life partner, let me down last week. I was really feeling bad about myself. I told my wife that I looked in the mirror and saw a fat, ugly, old man staring back at me, and needed some words of encouragement. She said well, your eyesight is damn near perfect.
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Ouch!
 
A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he's lost.

He lowers himself over a field and calls to a guy "Can you tell me where I am and where I'm headed?"

"Sure. You're at 41 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds North, 144 degrees 4 minutes and 19 seconds East; you're at an altitude of 762 meters above sea level, and right now you're hovering, but you were on a vector of 234 degrees at 12 meters per second."

"Amazing! Thanks! By the way, do you have Asperger's Syndrome?"

"I do! How did you know that?"

"Because everything you said is true, it's much more detail than I need, and you told me in a way that's no use to me at all."

"Huh. Are you a clinical psychologist?"

"I am, but how the heck did you know that???!!??"

"You don't know where you are. You don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air. You put labels on people after asking a few questions, and you're in exactly the same spot you were 5 minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
 
Road Ratt said:
A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he's lost.

He lowers himself over a field and calls to a guy "Can you tell me where I am and where I'm headed?"

"Sure. You're at 41 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds North, 144 degrees 4 minutes and 19 seconds East; you're at an altitude of 762 meters above sea level, and right now you're hovering, but you were on a vector of 234 degrees at 12 meters per second."

"Amazing! Thanks! By the way, do you have Asperger's Syndrome?"

"I do! How did you know that?"

"Because everything you said is true, it's much more detail than I need, and you told me in a way that's no use to me at all."

"Huh. Are you a clinical psychologist?"

"I am, but how the heck did you know that???!!??"

"You don't know where you are. You don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air. You put labels on people after asking a few questions, and you're in exactly the same spot you were 5 minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
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I know this joke (and like it better) with Engineer and Manager respectively.
 
An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist are in a room with a beautiful naked woman on the other side. A referee says "if you can reach the woman by following the rules then you can have her and your first step can be as big as you can reach but each succeeding step must be half as big as it's predecessor." The physicist thinks about it and says "you can't reach the woman." and gives up. The mathematician thinks about it and says "The physicist is right, you can never reach the woman." and proceeds to offer up a rigorous proof. The engineer thinks about it and says "The physicist and the mathematician are both correct. You can never reach the woman exactly." He then proceeds to take a giant step as he says "You can't reach the woman but you can get close enough."
Engineers rule.
 
The difference between a mathematician and a physicist :

You ask the physicist - you are in the family room and you need to make tea, how do you solve this problem?
He answers - you go to the kitchen, you find the kettle, put water, boil the water, put a tea bag in a cup, sugar if needed, fill the cup with the boiled water.

You ask the mathematician and he gives you the same answer.

You ask the physicist - you are in the kitchen and you need to make tea, how do you solve this problem?
He answers - find the kettle, put water, boil the water, put a tea bag in a cup, sugar if needed, fill the cup with the boiled water.

You ask the mathematician the same question and he answers:
You go to the family room, and we already solved that problem.
 
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."
 
I tell ya I don't get no repect.
When I was a boy I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
 
Lanny said:
I tell ya I don't get no repect.
When I was a boy I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
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Nice

My daughter's nickname is Fed ex because when she goes on a date she absolutely positively has to be there overnight.

Her yearbook picture was horizontal

Before I met my wife I felt incomplete. Now I'm finished


Love Rodney
 
A hospital administrator is walking down the hall of a new hospital to check out how things are going.

A ways down the hall she sees a man masturbating. Startled, she asks the dr walking with her what was going on. The dr told her the man had a condition that required he cum 3 times a day, or his dick would explode.

Accepting the answer, the administrator asks the dr to please close the man's door.

On another floor she walks by a room where a nurse is giving a patient a blow job. Startled again, the administrator asks the dr. what was happening, and the dr. replied that the man had the same condition as the other man, but better insurance.
 
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