Funny Joke of the day

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My boss asked me where I see myself this year,

I told him I have no idea because I can't see 2020
 
Did you guys know that the tooth brush was created in Texas?

Well, obviously. Had it originated anywhere else, it would have been named a "teeth brush".......
 
Dougnsalem said:
Did you guys know that the tooth brush was created in Texas?

Well, obviously. Had it originated anywhere else, it would have been named a "teeth brush".......
Click to expand...
You could've said either Tennessee or Kentucky or even West Virginia.
 
Lanny said:
You could've said either Tennessee or Kentucky or even West Virginia.
Click to expand...

You can really insert any state you choose to.

It's kinda like college football jokes...for example.

This big goofy UGA lineman goes in for his first physical and the doctor tells him, "Son, I'm gonna need to take a blood sample, a urine sample, a semen sample, and a stool sample."

The athlete thinks for a second and says, "Gee Doc, can't I just give you my underwear?"
 
So, this guy goes to a whore house and says to the madam "give me the strangest sex I've ever had. Now, I warn you, I've been all over the world and I've had an awful lot of strange sex so you're going to have to make it really unusual."
The madam says "Well, that's gonna cost you a thousand bucks."
"Okay, here it is" the man replies.
The madam directs him to room 7 telling him that's where we have the weirdest sex.
The man goes in and there's a turkey. Wow, he thinks, well okay and proceeds to have sex with the turkey.
The next evening the man comes back and says "Last night was really different. Here's another thousand dollars. I want something sexual that's really strange again."
The woman sends him to room 8. He opens the door and it's dark in there. There are a bunch of men in there obviously watching a one way mirror where a man is having sex with a sheep not knowing several men are watching him.
After the show ends the man turns to another voyeur and says "Wow, that was really strange" The other voyeur replies "Oh, that was nothing, you should've been here last night when a man had sex with a turkey."
 
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
 
So, this guy is pronounced dead by a doctor.
The day of the funeral it's bitter cold and there's black ice everwhere.
As the pall bearers are carrying the coffin down some outdoor stairs to the waiting Hearse to take him to the burial site, suddenly two of the pall bearers slip and let go of their grip on the casket.
The coffin falls and slides down the stairs, across the street and into a pharmacy.
The coffin is now unbelievably right in front of the pharmacy counter.
Suddenly the lid pops open and the dead man sits up somehow miraculously revived.
The dead man clears his throat and says to the pharmacist "Hey, you got anything that'll stop this coffin?" Har har har har
 
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
 
PtldPlatypus said:
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Click to expand...
Well thanks now I know another way to get in trouble with my wife.
 
PtldPlatypus said:
After 21 years, I'm a triple PhD in that discipline.
Click to expand...
Why? I'll tell you why. Because you learned from me.
Right now it's honey bunny but before the night falls it will be "You sleep in the other room." Why? My guess is that I'll never know but according to her I should know. It'll take me a lot of sweet talking to get back in my bedroom, but, like always, I'm up to the task.
There's gonna be a lot of "yes, dear(s)" and "I'm sorry dear(s)."
Men, take my advice. Liberally say "Did you lose weight?" and "That dress makes you look younger." Don't forget "Did you do something new to your hair?" Use "Yes, dear" like your life depended on it.
That is all.
Over and out.
 
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!”
 
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."
 
Mediocre Man said:
They call sex between 3 people a threesome

They call sex between 2 people a twosome

I finally understand why some of you think you're handsome
Click to expand...
Them's fightin' words. Be careful what you say about my Rosy.
 
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. And, not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any since."
 
This guy gets sent to prison. He's understandably nervous, but meets his cell mate, who doesn't seem that bad.

He tells the new guy to relax, and says it's not that bad.

The cell mate asks if he likes music, and the new guy says yes. "Well, you're gonna love Monday's because they bring in different composers and we get to listen to beautiful classical music all day" the guy responds "great that sounds nice" and the cell mate says "and on Tuesdays they bring in great chefs for food day. We have a great time because it's the one day a week we don't have to eat prison food. Tge new inmate says "that sounds good too" The older inmate asks if he likes to excercise because Wednesday is excersize day. We do such fun stuff. We go out on the river and go water skiing, go fishing and have a great time. The new inmate says thats not all that bad. What about Thursday the new inmate asks. The old cell mate asks if he is gay. He says no. you probably like Thursday then
 
oldfisherman said:
Did you ever notice when you combine the two words "The IRS", it spells "theirs"?
Click to expand...
One year I rolled over an IRA and didn't report it until almost a year went by. My father was a CPA and did all of my taxes. I gave him all of my papers in a single folder which he figured out and made out my return. I forgot to tell him about the roll over so when my return got audited the IRS said I owed them because of the extra unreported income. I got a letter from the IRS saying I owed more taxes plus interest. I turned it over to my father explaining that I had made a roll over without telling the government or my father. He redid my tax return and sent them an amended return with a cover letter. The cover letter explained my error and said that a new calculation showed that instead of me owing the IRS, they actually owed me a couple thousand more. My father mailed all this to me from his home in Seaside to my home in Seattle. When I read his cover letter I broke out laughing.
I
 
A marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realizes there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.

As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.

Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on...

"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."

The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.

After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.

"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"

"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
 
Mechanic vs. Heart Surgeon
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....
“Try doing it with the engine running."
 
The local Mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, thinking the accountant wouldn't be able to overhear their more "delicate" discussions. One day, the boss realized that a sum of $10 million was missing and went to confront the accountant. Since the boss didn't know sign language, he took his attorney with him who did know sign language. The boss told the attorney to ask the accountant where he put the $10 million.

The attorney and accountant conversed in sign language and the attorney translated for the boss, telling him that the accountant didn't know what the boss was talking about. The boss took out a gun and aimed it at the accountant. He instructed the attorney to ask the accountant again. The conversation occurred in sign language between the attorney and the accountant. This time the accountant told the attorney that the money was under his cousin Lorenzo's patio. The boss asked the attorney what the accountant had said and the attorney reported, "He said you don't have the guts to pull that trigger."


A lawyer calls home to talk to his wife, and the maid answers the phone.

"Where's my wife?"

"She's upstairs in bed with another man."

"I'll pay you $100,000 and get you safely out of the country if you find my gun and kill them both. I'llstay on the line while you do it."

"Si, Senor."

He hears two shots, then thump, thump, thump,thump,splash, thump, thump, thump, thump, splash.

The maid comes back to the phone, "I did it."

"What did you do?"

"I killed them both, and dumped their bodies in the pool."

"What pool? Is this 555-3624?"
 
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a very considerable time, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club.
 
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