Nerd Jokes

[Denny Crane]

Not for you HCP.

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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"

Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

 

[Denny Crane]

Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a police officer for speeding. The police officer says, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk, and he says, “Do you guys know that there’s a dead cat in your trunk?” and Schrödinger says, “Well, I do now!”

 

[Denny Crane]

If a pizza has a radius 'z' and a depth 'a' that pizza's volume can be defined Pi*z*z*a.

 

[Denny Crane]

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!" Argon doesn't react.

 

[Denny Crane]

Man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking." And the bartender says, "Now that, my friend, is an order of magnitude."

 

[Denny Crane]

Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.

Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge.

And physicists, well they happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you’ve changed the outcome.

 

[Denny Crane]

What do The Force and duct tape have in common? Well, there’s a dark side and a light side, and they both hold the universe together.

 

[Denny Crane]

 

[Mediocre Man]

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't

Lawyer, Dr, and statistician are out hunting. They see a big buck off in the distance. The lawyer takes careful aim, but his shot misses 1 foot to the right. The Dr. then takes careful aim, but misses 1 foot to the left. The statistician jumps up and yells "We got him!!!"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

 

[Eastoff]

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? You can't cross a vector with a scalar.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are all given 100 ft of fencing and told to enclose the maximum amount of sheep.
The engineer quickly uses calculus to maximize the surface area and makes a 25ft by 25ft square and he fills the pen with sheep shoulder to shoulder.
The physicist thinks a little while and he makes a triangle with 33ft legs, and fills the pen, then starts stacking the sheep into a pyramid.
The mathematician thinks a little while too, then he makes a 5ft by 5 ft square and hops the fence then says "I define the rest of the world to be inside the fence."

A farmer is having a terrible outbreak of mad cow disease. Not knowing who else to turn to, he decides to consult a physicist being the only scientist in a hundred miles. The physicist comes by and studies the animals for a week and then returns on monday to deliver his findings. "Now if we assume a spherical cow..."

 

[THE HCP]

None of those jokes made any sense!

 

[Eastoff]

None of those jokes made any sense!

Poop.

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

None of those jokes made any sense!

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are all given 100 ft of fencing and told to enclose the maximum amount of lettuce pickers...

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

Nerd pick-up lines:

You’re like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!

If I was an enzyme, I’d be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Be my queen and mate me with your knight moves.

Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive

You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers.

You must be auxin, cause you are causing me to have rapid stem elongation.

Baby I’ll treat you like my homework — I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long

What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply

What’s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you’re the 1

If my right leg was Christmas and my left was Easter, would you like to spend some time between the holidays?

You know.. it’s not the length of the vector that counts… it’s how you apply the force

 

[e_blazer]

What scares me is that I understand most of those jokes.

 

[DaLincolnJones]

What scares me is that I understand most of those jokes.

funny, I was thinking the same thing...sad

 

[3RA1N1AC]