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Nate Dogg

Nate Dogg

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Well, it looks like the passion between my spouse is dead. I mean DEAD DEAD. We had a long discussion a few nights ago and realized that we have very little in common, but for the sake of the kids (5 and 2.25) we are staying in the same rental house that her dad owns. We both met each other on the internet, met up in Portland, and spent time together. We do have really good communication skills, hardly fight, and work opposite shifts. She has 12 hour work days, likes to come home and just watch TV. She likes frog stuff, goes shopping for deals for the house, and bottle digging or antiques. Shes stuck with the same music bands such as Nickelback, Live, and Billy Joel. I have tried to get her more experienced with more bands out there but she doesn't seem to change. She did the Car club thing with me, going to club functions such as road trips, drag racing (PIR) club modification days, etc. She has never been a public affection person such as holding hands, giving hugs, etc. I am the one that instigates that. Our relationship in the beginning was exciting since we both wanted to settle down and get married with kids. She was 27 at the time and me being 29. Bedroom behavior was much better then but that all changes when you have kids. When your spouse lets you know when its time for you and her to have sex, then you know its going bad. We have been married since Dec of 2002. Any thoughts, suggestions, etc out there?
 
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sorry duder, did you try any therapy?
 
She went to our Pastor and he gave her some ideas on the male perspective. I am the stay at home dad during the day and she was getting stressed out that laundry wasn't getting done when it was finished and didn't get put away. I started working on that list, and made sure the dishes were run in the dishwasher before I left for work. I always made sure she had scrubs and socks folded and ready for her when she got up in the morning. She actually made a list for herself to help out but never worked on her own list. I always took out the garbage and did the recycling. She has been seriously stressed out with her Providence job as a CMA (certified medical assistant) for the past 2 years or so.
I don't have angry feelings towards her as a person, shes a good mother with our kids, I just had hoped that she would change her own habits with intimacy with us but she never made any attempt on her part with my suggestions. Its been since October since we have been intimate and she turns me away as she feels as she has no sexual excitement towards us and isn't in the mood for us.
 
Dude, its completely understandable. You guys both work very hard. And you have small kids around 24/7. Its a huge responsibility, and its a lot of work...with no end in sight. You're probably both too burned out to fully appreciate the contributions the other one makes. In the midst of all that its no surprise that either one or both of you doesn't feel sexy, or see the other as sexy. Its a very challenging situation for young people to be in. Thats why our bodies don't let us have kids after a certain age. Good that you are still friends. Good that you are both honest with each other. And good that your wife had enough common sense and integrity to seek advice from your pastor rather than act out.

You both sound like nice people who are simply having a hard time dealing with everything you have on your plate. Raising children takes a tremendous toll on people and on relationships.

What your wife did by talking to your pastor, and you both talking to each other was important. This thing can work out if you work together. You guys simply need some more support than you are getting in your lives. Support for your relationship, and support for each of you as individuals. The difficulties you are facing are ones that many families encounter. You can get through this and have a very good life.

Be as kind as you can towards each other, and work with your pastor or a counselor to create the life you want to have.

Good luck.
 
Thanks trout for your valuable input. My wife and i did have an agreement in the past for having FWB outside our marriage which started about 2 years ago. But it actually didn't hurt our intimacy for those two years but its just lately that she doesn't feel that we have a sexual connection anymore regardless to our decision. I really think kids, family xmas/thanksgiving functions, and work, really took a toll on her and her sexuality with herself has taken a hit. She only wore thongs when she saw her male friend, and never wore thongs for me when we have been together for 7 years. I even complained to her about these thongs that she wore for him and not for me. I even suggested her to wear a nighty or something sexy in the bedroom but she never did. I even bought her nylon panties as a gift but she only wore them when she ran out of her normal underwear for awhile. Shes a big girl too, weighing over 250lbs. I always bought her XL cotton panties from Victoria Secret on her birthday or xmas to make her feel sexy because she always hated shopping for herself. It seems my attempts have always backfired and never appreciated. I just wish she had made some adjustments with her personality but over the course of time she never did.
 
Dwell on the things you appreciate about her.
Let her know.
Dwell on the things you appreciate about yourself.
Let yourself know.
Get support....and if you've done the FWB thing I think this means professional family therapy.
Do things that make life easier for her, and for you.
Love her. No matter what she does. Love her. Its easy to love when people do what we want. When they don't....its a bit more challenging. But thats part of what real love is.
Take care of yourself and keep yourself presentable.
.....and eventually you will create a situation where you WILL get laid.

I'm a guy too, and I like the idea of putting the getting laid part at the top of the list, but life doesn't always work that way. :)
 
I still offer to pluck the white hairs out her scalp (shes 32) in this relationship.
She recently told me that she had to work Dec 28, 2009 even though she asked for it time off. Anyways she told me that she had to work that day and that I could only call her on cell phone because she had to work a different area in the clinic. So anyways, I drove by her work that Dec 28 day with our kids because I had a hunch she was lying. Sure enough her van wasn't at the clinic so then I text messaged her and i found out that she was at her male friends house taking a break from work related stress. He was gone in Monmouth but she had been in his house. Why didn't she tell me the truth and just say that she was taking a day off at his house when he wasn't home? Thats what pissed me off really.
 
I am sorry for your troubles. Relationships can grow stale without anything in particular being to blame. It takes a lot of work to keep things new and healthy... and with your schedules... good lord. How the heck do you work at night and take care of the kids during the day? That is crazy.

As for the FWBs... you can see how that could be more appealing to certain people... all the fun without any of the work or commitment... but seriously... how real is that? You have the same connection to those people as playing Halo on the internet with someone compared to being in a real war and sharing a foxhole with someone. It isn't the same thing. You can pretend it is... but it isn't.

Anyway... I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom... but relationships are hard. They are worth every bit of effort usually, but you have to put in the work. I run marathons... and to a lot of people it makes no sense why someone would train for 1/4 a year just to experience pain for hours before crossing the line and experience pain for more days. Yet I have never regretted a stride.

It is worth... but for some reason with relationships... a lot of people sit back and just expect that everything will be like a romantic comedy without any effort whatsoever. I wish. That isn't real. If you do nothing at all I think things will tend to get worse on their own. Spend some time... just little things... trying to make it better. No way anything changes over night... you can't train for a marathon in a day but *anyone* can finish one if they really want to.

During my first marathon my family came out to watch. At one point on the course I saw them standing off to the side and my son who could barely speak at the time was saying something. As I ran over to the side of the road to give him a high five I heard him chanting 'Go daddy go! Go daddy go! Go daddy go!' After 20 miles when the pain got tough I focused on those words over and over... and I shit you not... my last 10K was the fastest of the race.

So I don't know... maybe for your kids it is worth trying to make it better. If it isn't healthy go another direction... I don't think it is great to stay in a sucky relationship just for kids because then they model that later... but for them maybe try to make it better.

Hoping things work out the best for you. Hang in there.
 
I think I get the gist of what it means, but for the record, can you say what FWB stands for? Some of us live the square life, even while liberally advocating what we ourselves don't live.

Was this her idea? Do you have a female friend, or is she the only one practicing this? I think you are too trusting and you believe her stories. Does your pastor know about this? Your counselor will need to know.

You sound very focused on mundane details of life, in emotional survival mode, and I'm sorry that you are depressed.
 
So you have "fwb" and and you found out she said she had to work but was really at a friends house? Did you go there and see that he was actually gone?

This sounds like someone from Jerry Springer.

Whose brilliant idea was the "fwb" thing? If it was hers, it sounds like she was just looking for a way to internally justify her already cheating on you.
 
I looked it up and I think it means a friend with benefits, that is, sex without a commitment. Yet her relationship with him has lasted 2 years (maybe longer, and you didn't say or don't know), which is a commitment. Sounds like you're her Number 2 man.

Well, she doesn't have the endurance to hold a job and have sex with 2 partners. You will have to demand that she choose one of you. A divorce was foreseeable when you allowed her to start this. Did you get a pre-nuptial agreement as to how to split the children and pay for their expenses?
 
I'm no psychotherapist, but this sounds like a classic case of a person (your wife) that due to a a variety of reasons, either stress or disconnection with reality or historical avoidance of responsibility, that is seeking an escape because they can't handle what reality has dealt them anymore and feel "chained" to their life. Having a FWB lifestyle certainly isn't the worst thing to deal with but it is something that can easily become a focal point of contention if boundaries aren't set or if expectations between partners isn't consistent. In this case it sounds like you're rethinking FWB a little and she's pushing forward. Does she exhibit any other signs of avoiding reality or avoiding responsibility besides not fulfilling her "chore" list? Does she still pay attention to the children even at times where it seems she doesn't want to?

If you're committed to saving the relationship you're going to have to get some professional therapy. No offense to the pastors out there but they are a hit-and-miss bag towards helping to resolve issues and many aren't professionally trained. You also should be prepared to discuss your comfort boundaries with FWB and also your expectations of the marriage. Your intimacy problem is a very common one and its a vicious cycle because no one wants to be on a schedule to perform even if it means saving a marriage. Much of your marriage recovery will depend upon your wife.

All I can say is good luck and I hope things turn out well for you.
 
You had mentioned you have a pastor. I take it, then, that you might be Christians? Regardless, my wife and I attended this marriage enrichment conference a number of weeks ago. We found it to be very fulfilling and took a number of insights from it. (I'd recommend the Sun River conference. Find some child care and turn it into a mini-vacation.)

http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.5461135/k.B5B1/Conference_Details.htm

All the best to you, dude. Fight for your marriage and your wife! If she love you (and I trust that she still does), it will be all the worthwhile!
 
There is far too much going on to even attempt sorting this one out here Nate.

Unless you'd like to end this, try the things I suggested (they set a foundation for the work ahead), forget about the things that are pissing you off for the time being, and get some professional support. You both need it....individually, and as a couple.

Bottom line is that you made two children together and those children and their needs are more important than your personal desires. Creating a warm and healthy nurturing environment for them to grow up in is the most important thing. Taking the steps to facilitate this won't be easy and it won't be a quick fix. But its where you begin.

Good luck.
 
I really think the "seeing other people" is a big problem in a healthy relationship. There is too much hurt after that happens. If you are not happy and healthy yourself, you will pass on this image to your children. They will think that's normal and strive to act that way as they get older. They may only do it subconsciously, but I think it's time to move out.
If I may be slightly rude, I don't see how anyone can be a good Christian and fool around in their marriage.
 
westnob said:
If I may be slightly rude, I don't see how anyone can be a good Christian and fool around in their marriage.
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Wasn't forgiveness part of Christs teachings? Didn't he seek out those who had had difficulties in life and embrace them with love and forgiveness?

Human beings fuck up and make mistakes....for a variety of reasons. ALL of us need and deserve a second chance, and forgiveness and love.
 
westnob said:
I don't see how anyone can be a good Christian.....
Click to expand...

I've always wondered.....what's the difference between a Christian and a good Christian? :dunno:
 
I say don't waste your time anymore and move on with your life. Its too short to not be appreciated.
 
ucatchtrout said:
Wasn't forgiveness part of Christs teachings? Didn't he seek out those who had had difficulties in life and embrace them with love and forgiveness?

Human beings fuck up and make mistakes....for a variety of reasons. ALL of us need and deserve a second chance, and forgiveness and love.
Click to expand...

it doesn't sound like she's asking for forgiveness if she's still seeing someone else.
 
westnob said:
one can be a hypocrite:dunno:
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Not that I'm a judge, but I then might question their heart condition. After all, one's faith is a matter of the heart.

Peace, though...... :)
 
I've never been married, but something tells me that it is never wise to discuss personal marital issues on the internet. You need to talk to friends/therapist/lawyer face to face.
 
For a split second I did a thought experiment and pretended my wife asked me to have FWB. I immediately felt a surge of rage. Like imagining somebody slapping my kid in the face, and me not acting on it. I just can't relate to that one. Sorry, that's not terribly helpful to you.

Anyway, counseling is definitely a good idea.

The first few years of my marriage definitely got rocky at times. Lots of fighting. One morning I woke up and just started to sing the dumbest song you've ever heard. "It's Erin's Day, Erin's Day, happy day, it's Erin's day." Fucking stupid as hell. But it busted Erin up. And everything we did that day was exactly what she wanted. If she wanted to listen to Nickelback *cringe* and go frog shopping *cringe cringe* and afterward watch a soap opera *cringe cringe cringe* I'd do it with her, and put on a shit-eating happy smile the whole time. And the funny thing was that it wasn't so bad, because I could see her enjoying the patience and attention. And a week later she woke me up singing the same song to me. (Of course, not for very long because I quickly took advantage of the situation and otherwise occupied her mouth.)

We don't really do those "days" anymore. They seemed to die away the less we fought and the happier we got. I don't miss them, in the same way I don't miss a crutch after a leg fully heals. But it's nice to know I still have it if things ever got rough again.
 
Nate Dogg said:
Thanks trout for your valuable input. My wife and i did have an agreement in the past for having FWB outside our marriage which started about 2 years ago. But it actually didn't hurt our intimacy for those two years but its just lately that she doesn't feel that we have a sexual connection anymore regardless to our decision. I really think kids, family xmas/thanksgiving functions, and work, really took a toll on her and her sexuality with herself has taken a hit. She only wore thongs when she saw her male friend, and never wore thongs for me when we have been together for 7 years. I even complained to her about these thongs that she wore for him and not for me. I even suggested her to wear a nighty or something sexy in the bedroom but she never did. I even bought her nylon panties as a gift but she only wore them when she ran out of her normal underwear for awhile. Shes a big girl too, weighing over 250lbs. I always bought her XL cotton panties from Victoria Secret on her birthday or xmas to make her feel sexy because she always hated shopping for herself. It seems my attempts have always backfired and never appreciated. I just wish she had made some adjustments with her personality but over the course of time she never did.
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Wow, feel really weird talking about this in a public forum, but my wife and I have dabbled with FWB's situations in the past off and on so I can relate to what you're talking about here.

I've been married 16 years now, and we were married at 19 so the FWB thing was kind of a way to work through the curiousities that are natural with being married so young. I can't begin to tell you a solution to your situation, but I can say that what my wife and I have both found is that the FWB thing is great for that initial burst of excitement that any new relationship brings, but ultimately it takes a greater toll on your marriage than it's really worth. I think what we've discovered (or maybe just I), is that what any person wants out of their marriage is to feel special. She will never change, as you won't. Compramise is an important trait to learn, patience also. Honestly, if you are having hurt feelings because she isn't acting as you had hoped she would when you married, as much as you may feel like you are being loving and caring towards her those feelings seep out in ways you don't realize.

I wouldn't suggest counseling, I honestly think that makes the situation worse more times than not. Honesty will be key, but honesty in a loving way. Drop the FWB thing, and re dedicate yourself to making her feel number one in your life (with kids being 1a and 1b). I truely do notice a huge improvement in my wife and I's realtionship when I refocus my energy away from feeling sorry for myself that we aren't having as much intimacy as I may want to focusing on all the great things we do have.

.... if it makes you feel any better, I can relate on almost all accounts as my wife is the high level VP type and I work manual labor 9-5, so I understand the "her being tired". Truth is, after 60 very stressful hours a week, she is tired and I've needed to adjust my expectations. But, it's worked... with compramise and patience :)

Hope things work out for you!
 
IMO, the bottom line......in a nutshell:

A man needs to feel respected by his wife

A woman needs to sense security/commitment from her husband
 
ABM said:
Not that I'm a judge, but I then might question their heart condition. After all, one's faith is a matter of the heart.

Peace, though...... :)
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you don't literally mean the heart, do you?
 
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