relationship advice

[mook]

If it were me I'd leave the wife and go after the soul mate.

I've been married for a decade to a woman I consider the perfect match for me. When I think back to how I stayed for three years with a girl I didn't really love or see a happy future with, it makes my skin crawl. If you get a chance at something like I've got, you should grab for it as quick as you can. Because it's freakin' awesome to wake up every morning with somebody you want to spend every day of your life with.

Humans are resilient. The woman you're currently married to (but not really with) will eventually get over you. And may even find somebody who can make her a lot happier than you can. She deserves a chance to do so. Especially after you cheated on her so long. Every day you delay the decision is another day she gets older, and finds it harder to find somebody new. (Have you seen the statistics on divorced women over 40? It gets drastically harder for them to find a new partner the older they get.)

Life's too short not to give your best shot at happiness. Your happiness, your wife's happiness, the Seattle woman's happiness.

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

Let's see, you cheated on your wife and felt so bad about it you continued it for 3 years and only broke it off under duress from your wife- so it might have continued for 15 years. That tells me how you really feel about your wife. And frankly, any wife that would stay with a guy who had about as much regard for her as they do for dog crap has some serious issues. Were I her, I'd kick your cheating fanny out and take it for every penny I could get.

So what's my advice?

Well, You don't deserve your wife. Also, I have always subscribed to the theory that people either are or are not cheaters. You and Seattle Slew seem to deserve each other. Let your wife have 50% of your estate, let her have the divorce, marry the Seattle Skank and the two of you will surly cheat on each other and see how that goes.

$.05 please.

 

[mook]

Well, You don't deserve your wife. Also, I have always subscribed to the theory that people either are or are not cheaters. You and Seattle Slew seem to deserve each other. Let your wife have 50% of your estate, let her have the divorce, marry the Seattle Skank and the two of you will surly cheat on each other and see how that goes.

Dude, that's pretty non-productive, don't you think? He's not asking to be judged. He's trying to figure out the best path forward. Calling people names and throwing on a lot of guilt (although admittedly deserved) isn't really productive.

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

Dude, that's pretty non-productive, don't you think? He's not asking to be judged. He's trying to figure out the best path forward. Calling people names and throwing on a lot of guilt (although admittedly deserved) isn't really productive.

I know. I was being intentionally harsh to make a point. It's the point I hope he gets and not the harshness.

 

[Paxil]

Well BP had the guts to say it at least.

As as for the Seattle Girl being the soul mate? I am sure he thought that when he married current. No one ever gets married thinking someone else is their sould mate... at least I hope not.

 

[MARIS61]

Let's see, you cheated on your wife and felt so bad about it you continued it for 3 years and only broke it off under duress from your wife- so it might have continued for 15 years. That tells me how you really feel about your wife. And frankly, any wife that would stay with a guy who had about as much regard for her as they do for dog crap has some serious issues. Were I her, I'd kick your cheating fanny out and take it for every penny I could get.

So what's my advice?

Well, You don't deserve your wife. Also, I have always subscribed to the theory that people either are or are not cheaters. You and Seattle Slew seem to deserve each other. Let your wife have 50% of your estate, let her have the divorce, marry the Seattle Skank and the two of you will surly cheat on each other and see how that goes.

$.05 please.

Spot on, as the kids say.

Chris, don't take this as a personal attack because it's not meant that way, but as an ecstatically married man for over 32 years who has never even considered cheating on my incredible wife, I gotta say "you don't know what true love is".

3 years of lying and cheating and humiliating your wife?

Do her a huge favor. Cut her loose ASAP so she can salvage the rest of her life and maybe meet someone who she can be happy with.

 

[tlongII]

If it were me I'd keep the affair going. Just don't get caught.

 

[rocketeer]

in my mind, you made the decision about your wife when you decided to have a 3 year affair with another woman.

 

[The_Lillard_King]

The righteousness on this board is a little scary.

It may be hard to imagine, but your wife will survive this and probably better herself in the end. I'm guessing you have stayed with her this long because you care about her and don't want to hurt her. I know many people, including myself, who have stayed in relationships for that reason.

Life is short, seek your hapiness, even if it means making hard unpopular choices.

 

[MickZagger]

If it were me I'd keep the affair going. Just don't get caught.

Yeah, but your the type of guy who purchases escorts on a weekly basis.

 

[Eastoff]

Polygamy should be legal.

A. you are being dumb, think about how much work goes into just 1 girlfriend.

B. I wouldn't want to be one of many husbands to one wife.

3. no.

 

[Eastoff]

Spot on, as the kids say.

Chris, don't take this as a personal attack because it's not meant that way, but as an ecstatically married man for over 32 years who has never even considered cheating on my incredible wife, I gotta say "you don't know what true love is".

3 years of lying and cheating and humiliating your wife?

Do her a huge favor. Cut her loose ASAP so she can salvage the rest of her life and maybe meet someone who she can be happy with.

I think BP and Maris might have a point =\

 

[Entity]

This is my experience with marriage:

In order to be really happy, you have to be able to be open an honest with each other in everything. If you have some divide, you have to talk about it. You have to be able to find some resolution for each problem through each other, and it can't be turned into something petty. I know feelings are tough to overcome civilly, but it's necessary to try not to hurt each other with jabs. Not talking about all of your serious issues is systematically failing the relationship. Hoping that you can get by will never make anything better. You can't sustain unhappiness.

I agree that extra-marital interests are usually symptomatic, regardless of history, and are there to fill a hole. There's something you're not getting that you need. The fact that you are concerned about her feelings does say that deep down you love her, but love doesn't necessarily translate to a functional relationship. Open communication, cooperation, and trust are the most important things.

I've learned that feelings of something that can be described as more than infatuation are irrational. The romantic idea surrounding the thought that they being irrational is right, is in fact not right. They might be instinctive to help us find mates, I don't know, but I've come to reject them outright. To me, they're nothing but trouble. I've found that true love is not something that confuses you, or tears you one way or another. It's very casual, like you both know without any doubt that you will always be together. There's no question left in your mind. If you ever feel butterflies for someone and you're in a relationship with someone else, I would try as hard as I could to overcome them, because even if you leave your wife, you're relationship with this other person will probably be much different once they start to fill the role of your primary. They were satisfied to live with things the way they were. It's hard to say that they will be able to deal with it in a more attentive role.

My personal feeling is if you can maintain an alternate relationship with someone else, and your current spouse is not okay with that, then I couldn't see the rest of your future together as ever being good for either of you. Unless a completely comprehensive conversation is had, and the both of you are able to come to a consensus that is comfortable for you both.

 

[MARIS61]

[video=youtube;vQh112HQsoE]

 

[bodyman5001]

I don't feel like reading what everyone else wrote so I will just write what I think and move on.

My advice is to stop being a douche. Once a cheater always a cheater. My girlfriend and I will be together 10 years this January. Haven't done anything more than look at another girl and usually point them out to her.

What gets me is that people actually go on the internet and describe how much of a scumbag they are and then ask for advice. What is the point? You will do what you want unless you feel the consequences are too much to take so why bother?

There are three types of people in this world

1. The type that kicks their own dog when it pees in the house.
2. The type that won't kick their dog because they feel that it is wrong to kick a dog for peeing in the house.
3. The type that won't do it because it is illegal and they don't want to go to jail, but they would kick the dog if it were up to them.

I think you fit the number three category pretty good. I am actually a four, I get my own category. I won't kick my dog because I would kill him if i did so. I usually fall in the three category for most things. I am actually more of a 2 and a 4 put together. I have tile floors so the pee doesn't bother me if he can't hold it and we leave him alone too long.

By the way, loving a woman isn't decided by the fact of whether she can give you wood or not. It is too bad that most men can't figure out that one on their own. I feel sorry for the women they string along for years only to be dumped when they get old or fat or boring.

 

[bodyman5001]

Spot on, as the kids say.

Chris, don't take this as a personal attack because it's not meant that way, but as an ecstatically married man for over 32 years who has never even considered cheating on my incredible wife, I gotta say "you don't know what true love is".

3 years of lying and cheating and humiliating your wife?

Do her a huge favor. Cut her loose ASAP so she can salvage the rest of her life and maybe meet someone who she can be happy with.

I know I said I wasn't going to read it, but I skimmed the thread and Blazer Prophet and Maris have this one down pat. My girlfriend asked me once if I would cheat on her and I told her I would. She got pissed but I made her let me explain. I said IF and this is a big IF .....If I came home one day and my girlfriend told me that there was a beautiful blonde woman in my bed that I was free to do things with without getting in trouble I would PROBABLY do it. Even then I probably wouldn't but the thought would cross my mind.

 

[DUB]

Admit it.

You're really Paul Allen, and you're asking us to let you move the Trail Blazers to Seattle.

 

[chris_in_pdx]

Well, I appreciate the people in this thread who actually gave me some thoughtful thoughts and advice. A gigantic Fuck You to the ones that judged me the antichrist.

I had a serious sit down conversation with my wife tonight. Much crying and expressing was done. Apologized profusely for all the pain I'd caused. She handed me back her wedding ring and told me to give it back to her when I was ready to re-commit 100% for the rest of my life to her. I took it and put it on the ringholder in the bedroom, and swore that she would have her answer soon. I hope I make the right decision... again.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

after reading that, I think you should be a better man and try to work it out.

I mean is it a looks thing or a vibe thing that you're missing?

who knows. only you can say if you want to stay or not....it kind of sucks for her though since she's all into and this probably kind of came out of left field.

 

[VanillaGorilla]

A. you are being dumb, think about how much work goes into just 1 girlfriend.

B. I wouldn't want to be one of many husbands to one wife.

3. no.

1. I didn't say I would be a polygamist, on either side of it.

2. I agree that I could never be one of many husbands to a wife.

C. It should still be legal.

 

[inconceivable]

Stick to your wife. . Things will get better. . Love can do that. . Regardless how it may seem at the moment. . Looks come and go. . Kids come and go. . Watch this movie

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810036605/info

Don't be like Lebron.

At the end, it's your decision. Good luck to you.

 

[crandc]

You seem to have made your decision by now. I agree that it's better in the long run for your wife to have a new chance than to stay with you when you don't want to be there.

It may be too late for Paxil's suggestion to try doing the things with your wife that you do with your girlfriend. Don't ask her if she wants to because she sounds depressed enough to say no to anything. Take her to the store and get new outfit, make appointment at hairdresser for her, take her to dinner & out for the evening (if of course you can financially afford this). Try treating her romantically.

I don't want to be judgmental, but I will say that a person who truly loves another does not ask him/her to sneak around the corners of his/her life. You do need to decide and it looks like you have.

Typed painfully with torn ligament in right thumb, so don't accuse me of not caring!

 

[julius]

Considering I don't want to read through every post and find out of these were said, and I'm sure this was asked already, but how would you feel if the situation was reversed, and she was cheating on you?

I think the first thing is to be honest with yourself. And the second thing would be to really analyze if the whole "Seattle girl" thing isn't being done as a rush or drug like reaction/feeling. The grass isn't always greener, and as I'm sure this has been said too....she's already sleeping with (or slept with) a married man once before, what's to stop her from doing it again?

Or to stop you from doing it again?

Probably what's best for you, in the long run, is to break it completely off with the Seattle woman, separate from your wife and seek counseling for both of you, and if you decide to divorce, avoid the safety net of the Seattle woman. Don't go into this thinking that "this time it'll be different" (or something similar).

 

[julius]

Considering I don't want to read through every post and find out of these were said, and I'm sure this was asked already, but how would you feel if the situation was reversed, and she was cheating on you?

I think the first thing is to be honest with yourself. And the second thing would be to really analyze if the whole "Seattle girl" thing isn't being done as a rush or drug like reaction/feeling. The grass isn't always greener, and as I'm sure this has been said too....she's already sleeping with (or slept with) a married man once before, what's to stop her from doing it again?

Or to stop you from doing it again?

Probably what's best for you, in the long run, is to break it completely off with the Seattle woman, separate from your wife and seek counseling for both of you, and if you decide to divorce, avoid the safety net of the Seattle woman. Don't go into this thinking that "this time it'll be different" (or something similar).

Or, I could just read the post you made you made in #48 and shut my trap.

 

[andalusian]

The best advice I once got from someone - is to always make a decision that will allow me to sleep well at night. Do the honorable thing - if you can commit to the relationship with no ifs and buts, do it and never look back. If you can not - severe it before it becomes worse.

 

[Entity]

C. It should still be legal.

Truf.

 

[maxiep]

Well, I appreciate the people in this thread who actually gave me some thoughtful thoughts and advice. A gigantic Fuck You to the ones that judged me the antichrist.

I had a serious sit down conversation with my wife tonight. Much crying and expressing was done. Apologized profusely for all the pain I'd caused. She handed me back her wedding ring and told me to give it back to her when I was ready to re-commit 100% for the rest of my life to her. I took it and put it on the ringholder in the bedroom, and swore that she would have her answer soon. I hope I make the right decision... again.

Your wife seems really cool.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

do her in teh butt.

sorry, its been 3 pages and no one has posted that yet.

 

[mook]

Your wife seems really cool.

Yep. It's always easier deciding something like this when you can bring yourself to hate the other person.

 

[chris_in_pdx]

Yep. It's always easier deciding something like this when you can bring yourself to hate the other person.

This is the truth. I don't hate my wife. This would be much, much easier if she was a skanky bitch hoe-bag. She's not. She's awesome. Which makes me feel all the worse about all this.