relationship advice

[Denny Crane]

I've been married going on 30 years.

My take is you see the grass is greener (or think so), but I suspect neither you or the girl from Seattle would be happy together for very long. Both would see greener grass elsewhere. That's been the pattern.

The 30 years thing works because we've always been best friends as well as married. We never grew apart. I never thought of looking for another woman, I couldn't imagine one that would be a better match.

My secret is I let my wife spend all the money.

HCP's is long road trips, adult toys, and BeerBoy.

 

[mook]

There are a couple of really smug long-timers in here. Just remember that not everybody gets to find love that lasts as easily as you do. Sometimes people cheat, get divorced a few times, finally get the one they want, and live happily ever after. It's pretty arrogant to condemn a guy to eternal failure just because he hasn't got it right yet.

I'm a long-timer myself, but I hope I'm never that sanctimonious about it. When you forget how hard life could be if you didn't find that right one at that right time, it's easy to take the next step and take it all for granted. At the risk of blowing my Idaho Man bona fides, I'll quote Ursula LeGuin: Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.

 

[Shooter]

Your wife still REALLY loves you even after the 3-year affair? Man, she sounds like a keeper.

 

[mook]

Your wife still REALLY loves you even after the 3-year affair? Man, she sounds like a keeper.

Actually, I thought that part was incredibly sad. It'd be tough for me to respect somebody who forgave me for doing something like that.

 

[Shooter]

Actually, I thought that part was incredibly sad. It'd be tough for me to respect somebody who forgave me for doing something like that.

I don't know, forgiveness like that is a beautiful thing. If a woman can forgive you for cheating on her for 3 years with another woman, she's got an awfully big heart.

 

[OddEnormous]

So why I'm posting this here is a mystery, but I've already gotten input from friends, who of course give me the slanted "you should do what you want to do, dude!" lines, which although is a warm fuzzy, really doesn't help me decide anything.

Backstory: Met girl in Seattle 16 years ago. Dated for a while, didn't work out, remained friends. Romance resparked occassionally, but usually at inopportune times for both of us (ie. involved with someone else, not ready for committment, etc.). Met current wife 12 years ago, married for 8. 10 years younger than me. Mostly happy relationship, but lack of common interests and growing apart has become issues in recent times. No children, but was pregnant with one last year, but miscarried and then had to have major surgery to remove fibroids from uterus. Still able to have children, but will be problems.

Had affair with Seattle girl for 3 years behind wife's back. Ended it and my relationship with her when confronted about it by my wife. Have tried to put Seattle girl out of my mind and focus on repairing my relationship with wife, but am failing. Issues that are hindering my efforts at reigniting my relationship with my wife are mostly superficial (her weight, her desire to become a mother through adoption and my lack of enthusiasm for it), but the memory of how good I felt with Seattle girl is on the forefront of my mind most of the time. Worried that I am making a mid-life crisis decision, but also worried that I am only staying with my wife out of feelings of obligation and fears of hurting her, plus selfish materialistic fears of losing our house and all my possessions. Another issue is that my wife REALLY loves me. As in, I'm her everything. It would crush her for me to leave. And I love her a lot, too, and I don't want to hurt her. But it's becoming clear to me that living with her for the rest of my life, as it stands now, I'm never going to be "HAPPY". I'll be content, and safe, and maybe that's enough? Plus there's no guarantees that happiness lies with Seattle Girl.

I need complete strangers to advise me of what to do. No matter what I choose, someone gets hurt, or someone is unhappy.

Thanks for listening, all.

Kick them both in the cvnt.

 

[crandc]

Chris, just want to say there are a lot of good thoughts, a bit of self-righteousness, and 2 vulgar shitmouthed assholes who call themselves OddEnormous (as in enormous stupidity) and El Presidente (president of the asshole society). Too bad an attempt at a serious discussion, on anything, brings out the jerk in some boys, not that it has to travel far to emerge.

 

[chris_in_pdx]

The comments in this thread have been helpful, enlightening, and for the posts from the shit-mouthed douchebags, entertaining. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. Whether or not my wife and I will emerge from all of this with our relationship intact or ended, it won't be from lack of effort at trying.

 

[BoBoBREWSKI]

My secret is I let my wife spend all the money.

HCP's is long road trips, adult toys, and BeerBoy.

 

[julius]

I don't know, forgiveness like that is a beautiful thing. If a woman can forgive you for cheating on her for 3 years with another woman, she's got an awfully big heart.

It could also mean that she has no self confidence and thinks that she deserved it.

 

[mook]

I don't know, forgiveness like that is a beautiful thing. If a woman can forgive you for cheating on her for 3 years with another woman, she's got an awfully big heart.

So by that definition, Hillary Clinton must have an enormous heart!

*Shooter's head explodes*