Simmons' Ranking of "Stomach Punch"-eligible Teams

[BrianFromWA]

14-15. Seattle Mariners/Seahawks

Last Title: Never.

Last Truly Devastating Defeat: None.

Rock Bottom: Losing the Sonics in 2008 sent the city into a spiritual sports funk.

Additional Thoughts: Had to be included after the repeated failures of the Griffey/Ichiro Mariners, Super Bowl XL and the Sonics hijacking. Only a title can snap the city out of it. The good news: They listen to the right kind of music to get through this. "Black hole sun ... won't you come ... and wash away the rainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn."

13. Portland Trail Blazers

Last Title: 1977.

Last Truly Devastating Defeat: 2000 Western finals, Game 7, when they blew a 17-point lead to the Shaqobe Lakers as Mike Dunleavy squinted in disbelief and Rasheed threw up bricks. Somehow, those two are still in my life on an everyday basis. Is there a reset button I can hit?

Rock Bottom: The height of the Jail Blazers Era.

Additional Thoughts: Even though they shouldn't be eligible until 2012, I'm including them because of the many Drexler Era meltdowns, the 2000 collapse, the Bowie and Oden decisions, and the team's "only child" status in Portland. People in Portland are irrational about the Blazers much like a single soccer mom would be irrational about her only son. What do you mean he isn't starting today, Coach? He's the best player on the team! YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HIM -- THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! They would not handle a Level 1 loss well.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100129&sportCat=nfl

 

[MIXUM]

it is time to realize the blazers screwed up big time.

i would take durant or horford in a new york minute over oden.

could you imagine us with durant? endless title runs

 

[e_blazer]

Does Simmons volunteer to provide the stomach we get to punch?

 

[Buzz Killington]

it is time to realize the blazers screwed up big time.

i would take durant or horford in a new york minute over oden.

could you imagine us with durant? endless title runs

No kidding, look at all the titles that Iverson and T-mac have!

 

[PtldPlatypus]

No kidding, look at all the titles that Iverson and T-mac have!

To be fair, did T-Mac or Iverson ever play alongside someone the caliber of Brandon Roy?

 

[Buzz Killington]

To be fair, did T-Mac or Iverson ever play alongside someone the caliber of Brandon Roy?

Iverson played next to Carmello Anthony.

 

[MIXUM]

if offered today... oden for durant.. would you do it.

thats what i thought. stop.

 

[Buzz Killington]

if offered today... oden for durant.. would you do it.

thats what i thought. stop.

Its not going to happen. And we can play this game for every blazer and use revisionist history.

Until Durant wins a ring before Oden, there's not really much you can say.

 

[Natebishop3]

Its not going to happen. And we can play this game for every blazer and use revisionist history.

Until Durant wins a ring before Oden, there's not really much you can say.

Which I really don't see happening anytime soon.

 

[Buzz Killington]

I question if Durant even re-signs with OKC.

 

[Buzz Killington]

And I still contend that a healthy Oden with this Team has a greater chance of winning rings versus Kevin Durant on this team. We are fine at the 3 with Martell + Nic Batum + Rudy + Trout.

 

[MIXUM]

this is fuckin great... my 2 fave teams are on this list. maybe im a jinx?

3. Buffalo Bills


Last title: 1965 (AFL).



Last Truly Devastating Defeat: The Music City Miracle (1999 playoffs). Also the worst gambling loss of the past 10 years for anyone who bet on Buffalo. The rare double whammy.



Rock Bottom: Let's go with this one -- a while back, I wrote that Buffalo had lost three straight Super Bowls, and my editor corrected me that it was actually four. I know I'm getting old, and I've been having a ton of brain farts lately ever since my son decided it would be a good idea to start getting up at 5:15 every morning like he was a CEO. But still, the Bills lost so many Super Bowls in a row that someone who writes about sports for a living couldn't remember the exact number. We'll never see anything like that again. I'm convinced.



Additional Thoughts: They've had so many crushing defeats that Vincent Gallo made "Buffalo '66," about a Bills fan who loses so much money on a Buffalo Super Bowl that he can't repay his bookie so he takes the fall for a crime the bookie committed, spends five years in prison, then gets out and decides he has to kill the kicker who cost the team that Super Bowl. They had to change the name of the kicker from "Scott Norwood" to "Scott Wood" for legal reasons. This actually happened.

 

[Buzz Killington]

The pain only makes the victory that much better when it comes.

 

[MIXUM]

but it never comes.

see this season.

infact lots of these teams are chokers.... and will always be "next year" teams. wait where the hell have i heard "next year" before? wait i got it... its a blazers catch phrase. their gm loves it too as do their broadcasters and fan base. haha i got it.

 

[PtldPlatypus]

this is fuckin great... my 2 fave teams are on this list. maybe im a jinx?

I'm a Vikings and Cubs fan, so I'm MUCH worse off than you.

 

[oldguy]

but it never comes.

see this season.

infact lots of these teams are chokers.... and will always be "next year" teams. wait where the hell have i heard "next year" before? wait i got it... its a blazers catch phrase. their gm loves it too as do their broadcasters and fan base. haha i got it.

So you live on the right coast, can't stand Blazers management, and you don't like 80% of the players.

Why do you continue to follow the Blazers....you just like the pain?

Go Blazers

 

[Rastapopoulos]

you just like the pain?

Duh! Think how miserable MIXUM would be following the Lakers!

 

[Rastapopoulos]

if offered today... oden for durant.. would you do it.

You mean trade a player who's had two career-threatening injuries for a player who hasn't?

But even then, no. Unless
(a) I knew that Oden would never recover from his injury (in which case, of course, the trade would not be offered) and
(b) we could then trade Durant immediately, because he's a high-volume wing scorer, and we already have Roy and Batum.

thats what i thought. stop.

And as usual with your thoughts, this one was incorrect.

 

[MIXUM]

dude stop.... oden and durant isnt even a legit question anymore. oden has had 2 major injuries TO HIS KNEES in 3 years. Durant is an all star at 21. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

 

[Minstrel]

if offered today... oden for durant.. would you do it.

Sure, due to Oden's health. If a trustworthy god or spirit informed me that Oden would be healthy from next season on, I wouldn't even consider it.

It's possible that Portland choosing Oden over Durant will be a terrible outcome due to injuries. But it was the right decision based on the information available at the time, unlike Bowie over Jordan (a classic need over talent pick, while Oden was considered the pre-eminent talent in addition to being a need).

So if you want to make a case that the Blazers are cursed by bad luck, you may be able to add this as a data point (though their respective careers are far from played out). But it wasn't a silly, stupid or bad decision.

 

[DaRizzle]

People in Portland are irrational about the Blazers much like a single soccer mom would be irrational about her only son. What do you mean he isn't starting today, Coach? He's the best player on the team! YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HIM -- THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! They would not handle a Level 1 loss well.

rofl...Bill Simmons is among us! Hi Bill!

 

[MrJayremmie]

And I still contend that a healthy Oden with this Team has a greater chance of winning rings versus Kevin Durant on this team. We are fine at the 3 with Martell + Nic Batum + Rudy + Trout.

No offense man, but that is kind of the point. If Oden was healthy I don't think many would second guess the decision to take him at #1.

 

[Buzz Killington]

he'll be healthy next year.

 

[illmatic99]

this is fuckin great... my 2 fave teams are on this list. maybe im a jinx?

Yes. Now leave this forum and the Blazers forever and promptly make your way here.

 

[Rastapopoulos]

dude stop.... oden and durant isnt even a legit question anymore. oden has had 2 major injuries TO HIS KNEES in 3 years. Durant is an all star at 21. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

I don't care. I really don't. I know everybody is supposed to bow down before the greatness that is Durant (particularly as he's actually massively improved his adjusted +/-, so that he's not actually a huge net loss when he's on the court), but he leaves me cold. Maybe that's my fault. But Glen Rice left me cold too. Give me a Jason Kidd type over those guys every time. Or even Dikembe Mutombo. Because I just don't get a huge kick out of a guy hitting lots of jump shots and not doing all that much else.

(And what's with the "TO HIS KNEES"? Would it matter less if it was TO HIS FEET? Or TO HIS PELVIS perhaps? You do know that Jason Kidd, Amare Stoudemire and newly-minted all star Zach Randolph have all had serious surgery TO THEIR KNEES?)

Why is it so hard to see that adding a volume scorer to a team doesn't mean instant improvement? Haven't we learned anything from the Iverson-to-Denver experiment? I never liked Carmello either, and he's still better than Durant, even though he's not flavor-of-the-month any more.

 

[C_note]

To be fair, did T-Mac or Iverson ever play alongside someone the caliber of Brandon Roy?

Didnt TMac play with some guy by the name of Yao Ming?

 

[KingSpeed]

No kidding, look at all the titles that Iverson and T-mac have!

look at all the titles Jordan and Kobe have!

 

[KingSpeed]

No kidding, look at all the titles that Iverson and T-mac have!

Also- did Iverson or T-Mac ever play with a team as deep and talented as the current Blazers? Did Iverson or T-Mac ever play with a Brandon Roy?

 

[KingSpeed]

Didnt TMac play with some guy by the name of Yao Ming?

Barely. They were rarely healthy at the same time and they hardly had the depth of this current Blazers squad.

 

[KingSpeed]

Its not going to happen. And we can play this game for every blazer and use revisionist history.

Until Durant wins a ring before Oden, there's not really much you can say.

Well it's not entirely up to either Durant or Oden. It's a team game and the player with the best team will win a ring first. I think Durant would have a better team in Portland than he currently has in OKC.