The end of stay-at-home parents and the effect on kids

[Natebishop3]

I was having a discussion with a female friend of mine and we were talking about how we think we will always have to have two incomes to sustain a comfortable lifestyle.

Growing up, my mom decided to quit her job and stay at home to take care of myself and my two sisters. Having her there was extremely influential in how I developed. I do not know what kind of person I would have become without that steady influence in my life. My dad always seemed to be working and rarely made it to activities, which is how his dad was when he was growing up.

I've often joked with my fiancee about how I want to be a stay-at-home dad. It's a joke because I don't think it's a realistic dream. I don't see how we could ever afford to have one of us stay at home.

Are any of you in a situation where you can have you or your spouse stay at home? Are you both working? How do you think it affects your kids?

I am completely comfortable with my fiancee making more money than me. I have zero expectations as to who works or who doesn't work. With that said, I am concerned about eventually raising kids with us both working full time. I knew some latch-key kids growing up, and they were usually the ones that acted out the most in class.

I sometimes wonder if we're having all these problems with kids today because we are the first real generation that MUST have both parents working in order to live comfortably.

Thoughts?

 

[BrianFromWA]

my wife is at home. She will do so until both kids are in full-time school next year, then she will use my GI bill to go to college for a painting degree. In fact, when I was gone in 2013 I hired an au pair so that there would always be someone around, even if Mrs. FromWA had to go to the store or a church meeting or something. She does freelance graphic design and a very few outside-the-home design consultations, but on the whole the kids have always had Mom (at least) around. Then again, that's how both of us grew up (at least, until I was 10 and could legally babysit my brothers after school--then Mom went to work).

Do we miss out on some things because we only have one (admittedly, above-national-average) income? Yes. Haven't been a lot of vacations. But we have been proactive about making sure that the kids growing up in our home with a parent around was a priority. And we come up with other ways to have family time.

 

[Natebishop3]

my wife is at home. She will do so until both kids are in full-time school next year, then she will use my GI bill to go to college for a painting degree. In fact, when I was gone in 2013 I hired an au pair so that there would always be someone around, even if Mrs. FromWA had to go to the store or a church meeting or something. She does freelance graphic design and a very few outside-the-home design consultations, but on the whole the kids have always had Mom (at least) around. Then again, that's how both of us grew up (at least, until I was 10 and could legally babysit my brothers after school--then Mom went to work).

Do we miss out on some things because we only have one (admittedly, above-national-average) income? Yes. Haven't been a lot of vacations. But we have been proactive about making sure that the kids growing up in our home with a parent around was a priority. And we come up with other ways to have family time.

Au pair sounds so dirty. Was she cute?

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

Um...hasn't this been a thing since the 80s? I think its more women wanting to work rather than just be a stay at home. I think the only way someone is a stay at home wife in today's world is if the husband makes over $200k a year.

I don't think its all that important. Kids are in school until 3, chill out until 5 or 6 then can have dinner together and the nights and weekends.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Um...hasn't this been a thing since the 80s? I think its more women wanting to work rather than just be a stay at home. I think the only way someone is a stay at home is if they get free stuff from Obama.

FTFY

 

[BrianFromWA]

yes. And 18. And living in our 3rd bedroom when I came home from not seeing my wife for a year.

And I had many "why are boys like that?!" conversations that I thought I had 10 more years before having to have an answer for. But she's great.

 

[Natebishop3]

Um...hasn't this been a thing since the 80s? I think its more women wanting to work rather than just be a stay at home. I think the only way someone is a stay at home wife in today's world is if the husband makes over $200k a year.

My dad was making 50k+ all the way through the 90's and my mom stayed at home. Housing didn't go nuts until the last... what.... 15-20 years? The cost of living has gone up significantly.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

My dad was making 50k+ all the way through the 90's and my mom stayed at home. Housing didn't go nuts until the last... what.... 15-20 years? The cost of living has gone up significantly.

Well, there are more women in college right now than men. You don't go to college to be a stay-at-home mom, what's the point?

Dunno, I went to Jesuit so sure there were a lot of baller families where the mom could stay home but also knew a bunch that worked for dual incomes + something to do + retirement plans, etc.

 

[Natebishop3]

yes. And 18. And living in our 3rd bedroom when I came home from not seeing my wife for a year.

And I had many "why are boys like that?!" conversations that I thought I had 10 more years before having to have an answer for. But she's great.

Those conversations are always so funny to me. Women seem to make men into some kind of complex organism, but we're really not. We're actually pretty simple.

 

[Natebishop3]

Well, there are more women in college right now than men. You don't go to college to be a stay-at-home mom, what's the point?

Do you go to college to be a stay-at-home dad? Because I would love to be a stay-at-home dad.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

Do you go to college to be a stay-at-home dad? Because I would love to be a stay-at-home dad.

Yeah, who wouldn't if someone else is paying the bills. Run errands all day? sign me up.

I mean college is a big expensive party for most people, then you get a little degree that helps you earn a little more. You don't need college if you're going to be a stay at home dad.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

Nowadays, a lot of people are working online from home, so I don't see it being a huge problem except sometimes they do work around the clock.

 

[Natebishop3]

Yeah, who wouldn't if someone else is paying the bills. Run errands all day? sign me up.

I mean college is a big expensive party for most people, then you get a little degree that helps you earn a little more. You don't need college if you're going to be a stay at home dad.

Some lucky bastards have jobs that let them work from home.

 

[blue32]

If I had kids and could afford my wife staying home, or vice versa, I'd do it, but I'll be damned if that's possible for the majority of Americans now a days...

However, I will say that a lot of people weigh the cost of day care vs the income of their "SO".

 

[Natebishop3]

If I had kids and could afford my wife staying home, or vice versa, I'd do it, but I'll be damned if that's possible for the majority of Americans now a days...

However, I will say that a lot of people weigh the cost of day care vs the income of their "SO".

That's an interesting point.... what do you think about how it affects the kids though? Do you agree with El Pres or do you think we're seeing some adverse effects from both parents working?

 

[SlyPokerDog]

It would be nice if we could own a couple of Mexicans. One for housework, the other for yardwork.

 

[Natebishop3]

Sly still lives at home with his mom. What are your thoughts on this subject sly?

 

[UncleCliffy'sDaddy]

I am obviously of a different generation from you, one in which it seemed most moms stayed at home. My mom did not work outside the home, even though she had the skills. But my parents agreed from the start that my dad would work and mom would stay home and take care of the kids and the house. My dad was trying to build a business, and there were some tight times, as Dad put everything he could back into that business. So my parents made choices. We got the Penney's tennis shoes and jeans (whimper). My mom was a thrift store junkie and between that and hand me downs, we really appreciated it when we got new stuff. My dad was seldom around because he was working his ass off virtually around the clock. Thank God my mom was there to fill some of the gaps. They did the absolute best they could and all I can say is that I had the greatest parents and the best childhood a kid could ask for.

When I got married (again, another generation than yours), my wife had the college education and I had the shitty, low ceiling job. But even before the "I dos" we agreed that I would work and she would stay home and take care of kids and home until the kids were in school. And when she did go back to work, I had a schedule that had me home when she wasn't. (It didn't hurt that our town was WAY smaller than it is now, we knew most everyone and everybody literally monitored everyone else's kids in addition to their own). Money was tight for a lot of years, but my wife and I made sure we participated heavily in my sons' schools, sports and other activities because that was important to us....and hopefully to my kids. I tried to give them not only the things my parents gave me, but some of the things they weren't able to, for whatever reasons. It's a balancing act.

In the end, it all boils down to your priorities. All I cared about was making sure the bills were paid, my kids were supervised and that we had a little extra so that my kids had some of the same clothes and toys their contemporaries had. Everything else was gravy.

My advice....if you care?? If you are going to have kids, be willing to sacrifice immediate personal gratification until later in life, when you will appreciate it far more. Spend as much time with your kids as you can. Most of them will appreciate it dearly in the long run, just as you and I have. And if they don't, that's not on you, it's on them. At least you will have lived up to the responsibility you willingly took on.

That just an "old fogey's" take......

 

[blue32]

That's an interesting point.... what do you think about how it affects the kids though? Do you agree with El Pres or do you think we're seeing some adverse effects from both parents working?

Absolutely think it would be more beneficial to have more parenting time for the children. However, over parenting to can cause issues. Its probably a fine balance. haha

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Sly still lives at home with his mom. What are your thoughts on this subject sly?

I had my parents watch my dog when I went to Vegas last week, immediately after picking the dog up they went and got 2 cats.

 

[UncleCliffy'sDaddy]

Those conversations are always so funny to me. Women seem to make men into some kind of complex organism, but we're really not. We're actually pretty simple.

Can anyone explain to me why few if any women see the humor in all things fart related??? God left that little piece out of their humor systems....

 

[Natebishop3]

I had my parents watch my dog when I went to Vegas last week, immediately after picking the dog up they went and got 2 cats.

hahaha that's awesome

I was actually a little scared that your parents weren't going to be alive anymore..... because you're old.

 

[Natebishop3]

Can anyone explain to me why few if any women see the humor in all things fart related??? God left that little piece out of their humor systems....

Because women have it drilled into them from a young age that farting/burping is not ladylike. So they cringe when someone DOES fart.

 

[Sedatedfork]

My parents were both employed. We spent a lot of our formative years with our grandparents, which was kind of cool. It gave me a whole different relationship with them. They mainly stayed at home anyway.

 

[Natebishop3]

My parents were both employed. We spent a lot of our formative years with our grandparents, which was kind of cool. It gave me a whole different relationship with them. They mainly stayed at home anyway.

Hmm that's interesting.... so you still got that constant influence in your life, but it was your grandparents?

Did they live nearby?

 

[UncleCliffy'sDaddy]

Because women have it drilled into them from a young age that farting/burping is not ladylike. So they cringe when someone DOES fart.

Thank God I'm teaching my granddaughters differently. It's tough work and my wife is appalled, but it's a worthy mission.....

 

[SlyPokerDog]

hahaha that's awesome

I was actually a little scared that your parents weren't going to be alive anymore..... because you're old.

LOL! Ever since I told people that you wear 3" lifts in your shoes you've been trying to insult me with the age thing.

Why not show up to the Meet and Greet and we can settle this.

 

[Natebishop3]

Thank God I'm teaching my granddaughters differently. It's tough work and my wife is appalled, but it's a worthy mission.....

Someone has to do it.

 

[Natebishop3]

LOL! Ever since I told people that you wear 3" lifts in your shoes you've been trying to insult me with the age thing.

Why not show up to the Meet and Greet and we can settle this.

I actually forgot about that... it's just fun to make fun of your age..... because you're old.

 

[Sedatedfork]

Hmm that's interesting.... so you still got that constant influence in your life, but it was your grandparents?

Did they live nearby?

Yeah they did until I turned 10. Also, my Dad worked nights (for a few years after we moved) and my Mom worked days so they made it work. God, must have been hard work, huh.