The Haters Guide to the World Cup

[EL PRESIDENTE]

I love this.

http://screamer.deadspin.com/the-hater-s-guide-to-the-2014-world-cup-1588867715

Brazil: The home team. Land of thongs and garbage heaps! It's amazing that we're about to waste a month of everyone's time on this tournament when it's just gonna end with Brazil hoisting up the trophy and grinning like the entitled dicks that they are. What a letdown. Why even bother? To get to the average World Cup game, you will have to slalom through a harbor strewn with bloated corpses and fight off sentient armies of giant flying cockroaches that have evolved to feel real emotion. It's not worth it.

And yes, Brazil has its charms. People are naked there ALL THE TIME, and you can get hot meat carved for you in many different locations. But that meat will give you the wet beriberi. We're talking serious war diarrhea. And that gorgeous lady grinding against you at the local street fair? Turns out she's a diehard Catholic and won't let you feel her boob until you've met all 90 of her family members. Also, spiders. Brazil is a beautiful lie.

Mexico: ALL HAIL THE NEW COLOMBIA. I spent 10 weeks in Mexico as a teenager and I loved every second of it. The food is amazing. The people couldn't be nicer. Any country that caters to a tourist's whims the way Mexico did mine deserves better than to spiral into drug-war chaos and civic fecklessness. All that said, they're our natural continental rivals, so FUCK MEXICO.

By the way, shouldn't you people be better at World Cupping? FACT: Mexico has never advanced farther than the quarterfinals of this tournament. How is that possible? SOCCER IS THE ONLY THING YOU PLAY. We Americans came in third at the World Cup once and we SUCK at soccer. We don't even like it! Soccer is what all our white kids play when they get cut from the football and basketball teams. How are you so bad at this? You are like a nation-sized Rucker Park for young soccer talent. You should be CRUSHING us at every conceivable turn. You are nothing but wasted potential, Mexico.

Chile: This is one of those countries where rich asshole frat bros go on vacation and then come back as CULTURED rich asshole frat bros, and those people are the worst people alive. Those are the people who end up running Vice. "Bro, I went to Chile and got fucking wasted and SLAMMED tons of hot chicks. But I also saw some stuff there that really made me think."

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

Costa Rica: This is where you go on vacation because you were too cheap to pay to fly to an actual, functional country, then you come back home with eighty scorpions that snuck into your luggage. I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF, COSTA RICA. Your country exists mainly to block the way for old explorers looking for a passage to India.

But wait! I have actual soccer reasons for why the Costa Rican team blows, and that is that they are SNOW PUSSIES. Wahhhhhh wahhhhhh, it was cold and we couldn't see the ball! Oh my God, you guys are soft. I mean, you're not even pretending to be tough, the way we Americans do. You're just outright whiny and weak. This is not a beach vacation. THIS IS SOCCER AND SOCCER IS FUCKING WAR. You better be ready for snow, rain, thunder, spider floods, everything.

:MARIS61:

 

[Eastoff]

USA: You realize we're a lost cause, right? Not just our soccer team. They're gonna lie down like Obi Wan this month. I'm talking about the whole country. I'm talking about the IDEA of America. It's hopeless. That whole thing about being a shining beacon of freedom to the rest of the world? GONE. Never coming back. You don't live in a free country. You live in a paranoid surveillance state oligarchy where people gun each other down in broad daylight completely at random.

And you know something? It's never going to get better. Ever. The violence will escalate. Income inequality will widen. Twenty years from now, there will be one trillionaire (Donald Sterling) and 350 million people working as his personal wage slaves. Local infrastructure will deteriorate. People will forsake work and the duties of citizenship in favor of fighting unwinnable flame wars—digital arguments that increasingly have NOTHING TO DO with how people actually deal with one another in real life. Good ideas will be discarded because they're too expensive or because some dipshit company already has a vague patent on it and will do nothing with it but sue forever. Your house will be swept away in a Category 12 Nor'Eastercane.

It's OK to admit it that it's over. Go ahead. Say it to yourself: America is no longer worth the effort. Feels good, doesn't it? Feels freeing. Finally, we can stop HOPING. We can be adults about this and accept the fact that AMERICA WILL DIE. And the worst part is that your cable bill will, like, double when it happens.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

I wonder what will replace the Kazoo or Vueveuzela? as the biggest story in America regarding the world cup.

Before that it was the mexican soccer announcer that prounounced GOOOOOALLLLLLL forever.

 

[Strenuus]

Seems like boring stereotypes.

Didn't laugh.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

I wonder what will replace the Kazoo or Vueveuzela? as the biggest story in America regarding the world cup.

Before that it was the mexican soccer announcer that prounounced GOOOOOALLLLLLL forever.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

I don't know why, someone told me that at Carnival in Brazil, it just smells like ass everywhere since everyone is sweaty and almost naked and vibrating their buttocks. I just kind of assume its like that in Brazil.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

I think the normal hipster is pulling for Camaroon. Its a funny sounding country name and obscure enough to be relevant for that purpose.

The soccer poseur always cheers for the 3rd favorite team, about how they are "underrated" and how "x" is coming into his stride. I have no idea who that is though. someone let me know.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

I don't know why, someone told me that at Carnival in Brazil, it just smells like ass everywhere since everyone is sweaty and almost naked and vibrating their buttocks. I just kind of assume its like that in Brazil.

In Rio there are no public toilets at the beach, people just dig holes in the sand and piss and shit in them. Rio is dirty and nasty.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

In Rio there are no public toilets at the beach, people just dig holes in the sand and piss and shit in them. Rio is dirty and nasty.

that's fucking gross. i'd rather shit in the ocean and swim away.

 

[speeds]

Belgium would be a very hip choice.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

What can I say at a "pub" so that I seem like I have cred. Something that regular people can't verify, but sounds impressive about Belgium.

"What I like most about Belgium is their ability to control the tempo" something like that?

 

[speeds]

Young team with creative wings.

 

[GriLtCheeZ]

What can I say at a "pub" so that I seem like I have cred. Something that regular people can't verify, but sounds impressive about Belgium.

"What I like most about Belgium is their ability to control the tempo" something like that?

These might help:

 

[BlazerDuckSeahawkFan94]

I like Costa Rica's hotel room request lol

 

[SlyPokerDog]

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

SHE MUST POOP ON THE BEACH.

 

[GriLtCheeZ]

Why Soccer Is Un-American

"Sports are a reflection of national character and aspirations, and it is no coincidence, I think, that soccer has had a hard time catching on in the United States. Simply put, soccer—call it “football” if you must—is a tragic game, and thus it cuts deeply against the grain of the American ethos. Americans are an optimistic people. We like scoring too much to enjoy a game that is more about preventing success than achieving it."

Soccer is like watching a bunch of Sisyphuses competing against each other by trying to roll the same rock up a hill—without using their hands, of course. And there’s a big guy on top of the hill just waiting to kick the rock all the way back to the bottom. Let’s remember that in the original myth, Sisyphus was being punished; there was no break in the action, and no flopping either.

http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2014/06/why-soccer-is-un-american-107793.html#.U5skBvldWgN

 

[GriLtCheeZ]

"The Americans' new red, white and blue colour-block shirts - critics say they resemble Domino's Pizza delivery uniforms"

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/fifa-world-cu...-cup-shirts-20140612-zs4li.html#ixzz34Y9kJUxT

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

http://www.pubclub.com/sports/2014-...orld-cup-more-exciting-to-watch-for-americans

The World Cup is underway and America is yawning. Even a match featuring two talented teams from countries with passionate fans – Italy vs. England – was boring. This is not just my observation, but the thoughts of Brits with whom I watched the game.

"Yes, it was boring," one said.

If this continues, then Americans simply won't continue watching the World Cup (the first week, there's a bit of early curiosity but that won't last, especially after team USA bows out of the tournament).

So here's one sure-fire way to make the games more exciting and to get America more into the World Cup: Make the matches shorter.

Let's face it, 90 minutes is too long for soccer. Half the time, the players just pass the ball among themselves. They are killing time, running the clock.

If the game were cut back to 50 minutes – 25 minutes in each half – then there would be more of a sense of urgency among the players. They would spend less time playing "footsie" among themselves and start attacking the goal.

Or at least you would hope they would; for the most part soccer is a passive game. The players need to be more aggressive offensively. The coaches need to put more emphasis on scoring rather than defending.

And FIFA needs to cut the length of the games in half. Otherwise, they risk having the American TV audience tune out not just the World Cup, but soccer for the next four years.

 

[speeds]

They did that with cricket. They have a short-form game they play. No wonder cricket is taking-off in the US.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

I think if you took CM Punk and Clint Dempsey, TONIGHT, in front of an audience at Madison Square Garden, CM Punk would get the louder reaction.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

This morning while grabbing breakfast some fucking hipster was telling the mexican at the register about how American Cameramen "can't get it right" and how they would be recording areas away from the ball and was trying to figure out how to watch the Latin american feed.

 

[Wheels]

This morning while grabbing breakfast some fucking hipster was telling the mexican at the register about how American Cameramen "can't get it right" and how they would be recording areas away from the ball and was trying to figure out how to watch the Latin american feed.

Also quite accurate.. Hipster or not.

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

I'm going to start using that.

 

[GriLtCheeZ]

This morning while grabbing breakfast some fucking hipster was telling the mexican at the register about how American Cameramen "can't get it right" and how they would be recording areas away from the ball and was trying to figure out how to watch the Latin american feed.

Next time look like a real genius and tell him FIFA is producing all of matches in house, and everyone is seeing the same feed, only the announcers are different. This is a relatively recent development though.

http://www.fifa.com/aboutfifa/organisation/tv/hostbroadcasting.html

 

[EL PRESIDENTE]

Next time look like a real genius and tell him FIFA is producing all of matches in house, and everyone is seeing the same feed, only the announcers are different. This is a relatively recent development though.

http://www.fifa.com/aboutfifa/organisation/tv/hostbroadcasting.html

That's an awesome comeback

hoop fam