Update on case, I need your advice now.

[BenDavis503]

Ok here is the latest.

Took Alec to the doctor Wednesday and 100% of the blood hemorrhaging in his eyes is gone!!! Great news! Here is where I need your advice.

I talked to his mother today. We do not fight, we do not argue with each other, we just need to figure out the next steps.

She has been cleared of any wrong doing by DHS and the police. She took a lie detector test and passed it. The DHS case is closed and now it is in the hands of the state and DA.

She has left her boyfriend who did this to Alec, changed her phone number, moved back in with her parents and is starting to go to school. She wants to see Alec again.

What should I do?

I am thinking that I will let her see him, but only with ME as supervised visits. I was going to take him to her parents house and let her hang out with him. I was going to let Alec decide how long he wants to see her. If he gets all huffy and puffy and doesn't want to see her, I am going to take him home. I am not going to leave him over night with her alone. But I do want her to see him and vice versa. Every kid needs his parents. I can tell he misses his mommy.

What do you guys think? Your advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[Buzz Killington]

Do you have full legal custody? If so, get it. Only give her supervised visits with only you and her parents(if you trust them).

 

[julius]

Ok here is the latest.

Took Alec to the doctor Wednesday and 100% of the blood hemorrhaging in his eyes is gone!!! Great news! Here is where I need your advice.

I talked to his mother today. We do not fight, we do not argue with each other, we just need to figure out the next steps.

She has been cleared of any wrong doing by DHS and the police. She took a lie detector test and passed it. The DHS case is closed and now it is in the hands of the state and DA.

She has left her boyfriend who did this to Alec, changed her phone number, moved back in with her parents and is starting to go to school. She wants to see Alec again.

What should I do?

I am thinking that I will let her see him, but only with ME as supervised visits. I was going to take him to her parents house and let her hang out with him. I was going to let Alec decide how long he wants to see her. If he gets all huffy and puffy and doesn't want to see her, I am going to take him home. I am not going to leave him over night with her alone. But I do want her to see him and vice versa. Every kid needs his parents. I can tell he misses his mommy.

What do you guys think? Your advice is greatly appreciated.

First and foremost, seek the advice of your lawyer.

 

[RR7]

I would 100% never allow her to see him without you present. Even if she is with her parents, I would make sure to ALWAYS be there on the visits. I agree about each kid needing their parents. The worry would be, from an outsiders persepctive, that you would grow comfortable with her parenting, and with them being together, and allow an unsupervised visit at some point. In which case, you never know what can happen. I'm not at lal trying to judge you by saying that, I apologize if it seems that way. Just thinking worst case, she gets along great, looks like she is great with him, etc. Then you, I dunno, wantto go out one night and say yeah, what can it hurt or something. Or, if your kid requests a visit alone or something.

I know it's terrible, I just think of the article that was posted on here recently about the father who decided to give the mother of his daughter a chance with the girl, and she was found dead. I know it's the extreme end, and most likely what happens is you guys watch him together, and everything is great, but I think with kids, sometimes the extreme ends are what get thought of more often.

But I agree, definitely seek the advice of your lawyer as well, initially.

 

[julius]

I'd also like to say that it's great news the blood hemorrhaging issue is gone. That is the most important thing right now.

 

[yakbladder]

I'd say absolutely let her see him on supervised visits.

The odds are in a legal case (my unprofessional opinion) you'd probably have to give away partial custody anyways. She was cleared of wrongdoing and has gone to lengths to separate herself from what was identified as the probable culprit. Given the law's bias towards mothers I just don't see how you could avoid her seeing him. At least through this method you control the method that she is allowed to see him. I would definitely see a lawyer for a quick visit if you have the cash. If you don't look for a free clinic, pro bono law students, or do the best you can.

good luck!

 

[BenDavis503]

I know it's terrible, I just think of the article that was posted on here recently about the father who decided to give the mother of his daughter a chance with the girl, and she was found dead.

I know These kinds of stories scare me SO much. I literally lose sleep at night thinking about stuff like that, which could have really happened with my son.

I'd also like to say that it's great news the blood hemorrhaging issue is gone. That is the most important thing right now.

Thank you sir.

I'd say absolutely let her see him on supervised visits.

The odds are in a legal case (my unprofessional opinion) you'd probably have to give away partial custody anyways. She was cleared of wrongdoing and has gone to lengths to separate herself from what was identified as the probable culprit. Given the law's bias towards mothers I just don't see how you could avoid her seeing him. At least through this method you control the method that she is allowed to see him. I would definitely see a lawyer for a quick visit if you have the cash. If you don't look for a free clinic, pro bono law students, or do the best you can.

good luck!

You are right. Legally, she is pretty much cleared. If DHS clears her, there is not a lot I can do. But I DO want her to see him. And I do hope she gets a clue now how serious everything is with our son.

I will not let her have him without me supervising for some time. I still don't trust her judgement. I am also going to get a restraining order against her ex boyfriend for Alec, in case she is lying to me and still is dating him. I told her that though and she didn't have any problem with it.

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

First and foremost, seek the advice of your lawyer.

Perfect advice!

Heed these words!!

 

[Natebishop3]

Everyone else gave good advice, so after you talk to your lawyer and such, I would say let her see him. It sounds like she is trying to turn her life around. You should reward that.

 

[BenDavis503]

Everyone else gave good advice, so after you talk to your lawyer and such, I would say let her see him. It sounds like she is trying to turn her life around. You should reward that.

Before I read this, I came back to the thread and I wanted to ask ya'll... is it normal that I kind of feel happy that Alec will be able to see his mother again? Like, this entire thing was one of the worst things that happened in my life and Alecs life, but I feel good for him that he will be able to see his mother again soon.

I also feel a little bit of fear, but I feel almost relieved that she is making an effort to see him again. That is normal right? I should be happy that his mommy is back in his life?

This whole thing has been such an emotional roller coaster. I almost feel like tearing up right now. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Pearl Jam - Nothing Man lol

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Ok here is the latest.


I talked to his mother today.

She has been cleared of any wrong doing by DHS and the police. She took a lie detector test and passed it. The DHS case is closed and now it is in the hands of the state and DA.

She has left her boyfriend who did this to Alec, changed her phone number, moved back in with her parents and is starting to go to school.


What do you guys think? Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Is she saying this or have you seen anything in writing? IMO you should confirm all this independently. You want to read the police and DHS investigations yourself.

When & where did she take the lie detector test? You want to see proof that she passed. Also if it was done independently and not by the police it's junk (not saying that police lie detector tests are much better, lol).

How do you know the DHS case is closed? Have you talked to DHS? Have you read their report(s)?

What case is in the hands of the State and the DA? The closed case from DHS? Why do they have it if it's closed? The criminal case against her ex boyfriend? What police agency is investigating it? Who is the DA that has these reports and investigations? Have you talked to him in person? Have you asked to see the file?

How do you really know she's left this guy? She could telling you this on advice of an attorney. Yes, she could be keeping her chit at her parents house and spending a couple of nights a week there but that doesn't mean she doesn't still see the guy. There are lots of reasons for getting a new phone number. You don't know the real reason why she changed it. How do you know she's in school? Again, on someones advice she could have enrolled to make herself look like a good person or she could be just telling you that she's going top school. Did she finish the term? Enrolled for next term? What classes is she taking? She should be getting a report card in the next couple of weeks, I'd ask to see it.

My number one advice to you is to be firm yet fare. We're talking about your son, his current and future safety and well being. Right now I wouldn't believe anything she says until you've had a chance to verify it yourself. I would do it openly and honestly, not behind her back. You are the primary guardian of your son. It is your right and responsibility to do it. I would read everything I can get my hands on, talk to as many people as possible and then maybe even drive by parents house late on a couple of different nights to see if she's home or out. How do you get along with her parents? Maybe you should talk with them too. Does she work?

My worry is this, she obviously loves her son. But honestly, living with mom and dad and enrolled in school sounds great but she doesn't really have a lot of ties to the community. Has the boyfriend been charged with anything? Right now I would believe nothing that she has to say and would verify everything that she is telling you independently. I'm sure she's a great person but again you have to take serious measures to protect your son. She failed at this the last time she had custody of your son.

After you've verified everything that she is telling you and found out where the investigation is going then you should make a decision about visitation.

You should see a lawyer but in the past you've said you haven't had the money, the things I'm recommending don't require one.

Keep us posted.

 

[MARIS61]

Everyone else gave good advice, so after you talk to your lawyer and such, I would say let her see him. It sounds like she is trying to turn her life around. You should reward that.

The boy is not a trophy. He suffered horribly and nearly died as a direct result of her shacking up with a criminally deranged person in the very least. People who beat up babies usually look like a guy who would beat up a baby, and I'm sure he beat her up too. And yet she stayed.

I can't see giving her another chance, let alone a reward.

 

[The_Lillard_King]

Is this a choice for you to make independently? I'm guessing if everything you say is correct, the mother has a say in this to. Get an attorney

 

[Blazer_Hippie]

Is this a choice for you to make independently? I'm guessing if everything you say is correct, the mother has a say in this to. Get an attorney

Agree with this.

I've spent more than $20k on attorney fees regarding custody... You want to make sure that you don't get into a position of denying visitation that a court has authorized (especially as a father). I don't know the specifics of your situation, but legal advise is DEFINITELY a good idea.

 

[bodyman5001]

.. is it normal that I kind of feel happy that Alec will be able to see his mother again?

Yes and it is a good thing. I wouldn't want to have lived my life without my mother in it and I feel sorry for anyone who wasn't able to know their mother. I know that there are rotten women out there who aren't capable of being a good mother but if this woman IS capable then your son deserves a chance to have that in his life.

Do what you think is the best for this kid and you will likely do the right thing.

 

[Denny Crane]

Obviously see a lawyer and take his advice.

It's likely she would win some sort of visiting rights, so you should be thinking about how to make it amicable and under terms you're comfortable with.

 

[TradeNurkicNow]

My gut instinct would be to give it some time and see if she is serious. Give her a term or two to see if she drops out of school and goes back to the douchebag or not.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Is she saying this or have you seen anything in writing? IMO you should confirm all this independently. You want to read the police and DHS investigations yourself.

When & where did she take the lie detector test? You want to see proof that she passed. Also if it was done independently and not by the police it's junk (not saying that police lie detector tests are much better, lol).

How do you know the DHS case is closed? Have you talked to DHS? Have you read their report(s)?

What case is in the hands of the State and the DA? The closed case from DHS? Why do they have it if it's closed? The criminal case against her ex boyfriend? What police agency is investigating it? Who is the DA that has these reports and investigations? Have you talked to him in person? Have you asked to see the file?

How do you really know she's left this guy? She could telling you this on advice of an attorney. Yes, she could be keeping her chit at her parents house and spending a couple of nights a week there but that doesn't mean she doesn't still see the guy. There are lots of reasons for getting a new phone number. You don't know the real reason why she changed it. How do you know she's in school? Again, on someones advice she could have enrolled to make herself look like a good person or she could be just telling you that she's going top school. Did she finish the term? Enrolled for next term? What classes is she taking? She should be getting a report card in the next couple of weeks, I'd ask to see it.

My number one advice to you is to be firm yet fare. We're talking about your son, his current and future safety and well being. Right now I wouldn't believe anything she says until you've had a chance to verify it yourself. I would do it openly and honestly, not behind her back. You are the primary guardian of your son. It is your right and responsibility to do it. I would read everything I can get my hands on, talk to as many people as possible and then maybe even drive by parents house late on a couple of different nights to see if she's home or out. How do you get along with her parents? Maybe you should talk with them too. Does she work?

My worry is this, she obviously loves her son. But honestly, living with mom and dad and enrolled in school sounds great but she doesn't really have a lot of ties to the community. Has the boyfriend been charged with anything? Right now I would believe nothing that she has to say and would verify everything that she is telling you independently. I'm sure she's a great person but again you have to take serious measures to protect your son. She failed at this the last time she had custody of your son.

After you've verified everything that she is telling you and found out where the investigation is going then you should make a decision about visitation.

You should see a lawyer but in the past you've said you haven't had the money, the things I'm recommending don't require one.

Keep us posted.

Hey Ben,

Just wondering if you found out anything more.

 

[BlazerWookee]

Before I read this, I came back to the thread and I wanted to ask ya'll... is it normal that I kind of feel happy that Alec will be able to see his mother again? Like, this entire thing was one of the worst things that happened in my life and Alecs life, but I feel good for him that he will be able to see his mother again soon.

I also feel a little bit of fear, but I feel almost relieved that she is making an effort to see him again. That is normal right? I should be happy that his mommy is back in his life?

This whole thing has been such an emotional roller coaster. I almost feel like tearing up right now. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Pearl Jam - Nothing Man lol

At the very least, leverage some oral sex out of her each time she wants to visit the kid. If you don't want it from her, then hook a Wookiee up and leverage some for me...

 

[ehizzy3]

My gut instinct would be to give it some time and see if she is serious. Give her a term or two to see if she drops out of school and goes back to the douchebag or not.

yeah i agree...everyone makes "changes" but not everyone sticks with them

 

[BenDavis503]

Hey Ben,

Just wondering if you found out anything more.

Still haven't found anything out yet. She tried to get a hold of her PO today, but she wasn't there. I am going to tell her PO that I am not ready for her to see Alec yet.

yeah i agree...everyone makes "changes" but not everyone sticks with them

And his mother is NOTORIOUS for "making changes" then going back to her normal ways. I have to be really careful with her because I have a forgiving\gullible heart.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Still haven't found anything out yet. She tried to get a hold of her PO today, but she wasn't there. I am going to tell her PO that I am not ready for her to see Alec yet.



And his mother is NOTORIOUS for "making changes" then going back to her normal ways. I have to be really careful with her because I have a forgiving\gullible heart.

PO? Probation Officer? Parole Officer?

Is there some part of this story I've missed? I didn't know she's had previous problems with the law.

 

[BenDavis503]

PO? Probation Officer? Parole Officer?

Is there some part of this story I've missed? I didn't know she's had previous problems with the law.

Oh yeah. Before all this happened, she went shopping one day with my son and left him in the car for 20 minutes. Someone called the cops on her and she got arrested for child neglect. That was how she lost custody in the first place. Then her PO and I decided to let her try and see my son again and this happens.

So, I called her PO the other day and told her I am not ready to let her see my son. PO said "ok, you are in charge and she cannot see him until you let her."

So, I am keeping him away from her until her probation is over.

 

[mook]

Great advice here. I'm really happy to hear that your son is recovering, and that his mom at least got that idiot out of her life.

It's perfectly natural to want to see your son and his mom reunited at some point. It's only natural to want to see your kid happy, and having a mom can be part of that. As a dad, you really should do your best to see them reunited after things have cooled off. It's almost certainly best for the kid.

If it were me, I'd set out some clear deadlines when you are finally ready for them to reunite. For the first 12 months, only visits with your supervision. The second 12 months she can see him without you, provided one of her parents is there. If after two years things seem to continue to go well, then she can have unsupervised visits. Set these (or similar) rules out at the outset, and don't veer from them. Tell her if she screws up, the timeline starts over.

Like you said, she is prone to daily "life changing". So give her the structure to really change. That's all, of course, assuming you retain control of the situation and a judge doesn't see things differently during custody.

 

[BenDavis503]

Great advice here. I'm really happy to hear that your son is recovering, and that his mom at least got that idiot out of her life.

It's perfectly natural to want to see your son and his mom reunited at some point. It's only natural to want to see your kid happy, and having a mom can be part of that. As a dad, you really should do your best to see them reunited after things have cooled off. It's almost certainly best for the kid.

If it were me, I'd set out some clear deadlines when you are finally ready for them to reunite. For the first 12 months, only visits with your supervision. The second 12 months she can see him without you, provided one of her parents is there. If after two years things seem to continue to go well, then she can have unsupervised visits. Set these (or similar) rules out at the outset, and don't veer from them. Tell her if she screws up, the timeline starts over.

Like you said, she is prone to daily "life changing". So give her the structure to really change. That's all, of course, assuming you retain control of the situation and a judge doesn't see things differently during custody.

Great advice.

And that last part, I am 99.999999% sure I will retain control. My ex has felonies on her record for meth. Child Neglect charges on her record. Her family is well known in Washington County and the courts\judges HATE her father because he is always in there causing trouble, getting arrested.

My criminal record is pretty clean with no felonies or anything that has to do with kids. I just have a possession of a firearm on my record. No biggie.

Thanks for the advice though. I appreciate it.

 

[BoBoBREWSKI]

Glad to hear things are going good for your son! As far as advice, I dont have anything else to add that hasnt already been said. Keep your head up BD... props for being a good dad and doing whats best for your son.

 

[BenDavis503]

Glad to hear things are going good for your son! As far as advice, I dont have anything else to add that hasnt already been said. Keep your head up BD... props for being a good dad and doing whats best for your son.

Thank you

 

[julius]

If her father is known by a judge (and not because they're neighbors or friends from school), I'm not so sure having her parents acting as supervisors during a visit is such a wise thing.

 

[BenDavis503]

If her father is known by a judge (and not because they're neighbors or friends from school), I'm not so sure having her parents acting as supervisors during a visit is such a wise thing.

Her dad is very known by most judges in Wa County.

And I agree, I do not feel comfortable leaving my son with her parents as supervisors!

 

[yakbladder]

Her dad is very known by most judges in Wa County.

And I agree, I do not feel comfortable leaving my son with her parents as supervisors!

I don't understand BD..I mean, I would think her father would want to avoid any bad publicity????