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- Jan 30, 2003
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Let's start this off by discussing how not to embarrass the shit out of yourself. I know, me talking about not embarrassing yourself is like Lindsay Lohan preaching sobriety, but let's get to it. There are things we can do in public, and things we really shouldn't. Yes, in certain situations it can be difficult to draw the line, but generally speaking we are all at least aware of the moral standards of our culture. That is the philosophy of ethics - what we ought to and not do, the "right" and the "wrong". Some things you can do in public - liberated of judgments - are the following:
-Smiling
-Waving
-Giving a thumbs up
-Eating some cake
-Listening to My Morning Jacket
-Enjoying the spectacular musical movie Across the Universe
-Wearing a ZubazPants.com T-shirt (Right on!)
All of the above-mentioned activities are A-okay to perform in front of the masses. There is a line however between the socially accepted and behavior to the likes of Michael Vick. Now since I am looking out for all your crazy Zubaz behinds worldwide, I decided to grease the edges for you. I understand your pain though, trust me. You see a huge poster of the skanktastic slut Tila Tequila touching her tongue to God knows what part of her body in promotion of her new "show", or you hear Nickleback's latest single two times in a row at Whole Foods, and you instantly want to snatch the closest infant and toss it like a tennis ball against a nearby brick wall. But, you can't! Thanks to this easy to read, information packed, user-friendly guide you will now have a tremendously better idea of what behavior is surely unacceptable for public, and should be saved for private...so you can post it onto your myspace movies or whatever perve vlog you have. Here we go!
1- Groping a stranger while talking to them.
Seems like common sense not to break the touch barrier with strangers, but you would not believe how many times I have been touched by someone I did not know. As an observer you'd think we were freaken brother and sister, sister and sister, Mary-Kate Olsen and cocaine, but we didn't even know each other! Something about reaching your arms around the shoulders of a stranger shouts, "Yes I do cry myself to sleep fearing dateline MSNBC 'To Catch a Predator' (best show ever) is going to find me one day, but the way your hair smells like fresh strawberries is irresistible! Mmm!"
2- Reading Risque' Literature.
We can definitely chalk some stream of consciousness slips of the tongue up to freedoms granted by the US first amendment. There are certain books however, that should not be read in public. Some of these include, but are not limited to...
"My life with AIDS."
"How to Make Anti-diarrheal Medication Naturally"
"The Reformed Former Sex Offender Diaries"
"Racism Does Not equal Old School Values to Me, Man."
"Surviving Halo after you've sucked at it for 78 consecutive hours."
"OJ Simpson, American Hero."
"Arabic, Satan's Native Tongue."
"How to Get Hot Because Fat = Fug"
But for that last one, I might give some leeway. It's not so much that such literature promotes negativity and insipid values, as it is simply that an abundance of insecurity about our looks is a mental roadblock to living a happy life. Hey, no one seems to give a hoot about attractiveness over at America's Next Top Model, so why should we?
3 - Praising Ann Coulter
Ah, Ann Coulter. You know what the funny thing about Ann Coulter is? She could actually be deemed attractive, and I think that is why she gets away with what she does. Ok so you're tall, thin and blonde and somehow that equates to being Jesus, which is apparently also equal to Kanye West, according to Kanye West. Ann Coulter recently stated that, "everyone should be a Christian" and that you could "be a Jew, so long as you're non-practicing and that all Jews need to be perfected." Ann Coulter, if you were five inches shorter, 13 inches rounder, and had the complexion and bone structure of Marc Anthony, nobody would ever listen to you. But because you are not unfortunate looking, people could actually give a shit as to what you have to say and now you're making millions from running your big, crooked mouth. I say screw the bitch and toss a bagel at her, just for that comment alone. Tossing bagels = fun. Praising Ann Coulter = don't do it.
4- Quoting Chris Crocker
Normally my interweb ventures consist of ZubazPants.com and my blog, but one day I randomly logged into youtube with no specific purpose. On the main page, in that little reel of featured videos I saw a girl with bright yellow hair who looked extremely upset so I clicked it. It wasn't a girl, well not technically. I mean it's half girl, or, err... is that possible? Anyway, the heshe's name is Chris Crocker and it's a full-blown psycho. The thing that's so scary about Chris Crocker's journey from vlogging pervoid to nationally broadcasted figure hitting both radio and TV, is that it did it by agitating for attention through bawling ballistically, faking a lisp and wearing a triple A cup bra practically as a necklace. If that is what it takes to become famous, then there are millions of unemployed freak shows who have just found their calling. More frighteningly though, the more it talks, the greater the possibility people will start to take it seriously. To that I say, even if your love stick has become more seasoned in pitching its mansion in your partner's place of excrement, you probably still smell like rectum. Bottom line, quoting Chris Crocker gives your statement the stability of oatmeal, and your ass a requisition for a kicking.
5- Admitting you were featured on the "Ask the Common Sense Diva" AIM home page.
Now for those of you who use interweb chatting services other than AIM, the said chatting service has a wonderfully annoying homepage that opens in your browser upon login. There is probably a way to disable this, but had I been ambitious enough to do so, we would not have known the perils of being on the "Ask the Common Sense Diva" feature! From what I gather, this feature is an interactive question and answer service where AIM users can submit a question they find puzzling and a picture of themselves, all in hope of landing the coveted feature slot and more importantly being answered! An example is as follows:
If you have ever done this, in addition to speaking about it to people who didn't previously know, you're just silly. Think about it, you're asking the COMMON SENSE diva, what does that say about you? If the Common Sense diva said "yes, you should still perform your dance number while you're sick with food poisoning" (like Fergie did not too long ago) "you won't throw up on your fans" (like Fergie), would you do it? On top of that, think of other self described famous Divas. Beyonce for one, who just released a new pink "B" cell phone that boasts a "specialized ring tone" of a song she made when she was 10 in an attempt to become "closer" to her fans - riiight. And Mariah Carey. ...Yeah. That about sums it up. If you are having a dry spell and want some help with dating via the interweb, why not just go to match.com or eharmony and check your chances there? Is that perhaps more embarrassing? I'll let you be the judge. On a side note, don't you wish sites like match.com could match inanimate things? Imagine the union between pop culture and fad diets. Their kids would be like cute, little, furry Star Jones scuttling about the floor after heroin needles dressed in frilly pink frocks - adorable!
6- Physically Purchasing Ja Rule's New Album.
Ja Rule is about as good a rapper as Meg White is a drummer (I'm a White Stripes fan, but come on). In addition to his continual suckosity however, he recently slammed the Gays. Now lord knows what could have possibly come up that made him feel the need to lambaste the orientation, but the jerk did it. Of course afterward he issued a public apology in an attempt to regain his four gay fans stating that "I have relatives that are homosexual, and you know, they come over for Christmas and hang out." Really? How touching! All is forgiven Ja! Just please, for your own safety, don't do it. And if you do, please keep it to yourself.
And lastly...
7- Proudly exposing the ZubazPants.com tattoo on your toosh, or ya know, wherever.
Ah the beauty of tattoos. Yes they can be outrageously gorgeous, but something about having a rose on your left breast when you hit 55 isn't too appealing to me. And Lord knows when body parts start traveling south, I'm going left. Expressing yourself with your body can be can art though - so, could someone who is good at this please buy Britney Spears some fucking underwear? But seriously, Tattoos in naughty areas of the body should be kept private. ZubazPants.com is something to be proud of, of course! So I understand why desperately wanting to share the fact that ZubazPants.com touches a place in your heart that nothing else has been able to before seems like such a good idea. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother in this world. But hey wear a ZubazPants.com T-shirt, hit up our store or dedicate a blog journal to it. There are safer, cleaner, and wiser ways to show your love for Zubaz, so keep your clothes on and your alcohol intake moderate.
Ok Zubazkateers, I hope you can now sleep soundly knowing the difference between right and wrong. It's been a pleasure.
Source: Zubazpants.com
-Smiling
-Waving
-Giving a thumbs up
-Eating some cake
-Listening to My Morning Jacket
-Enjoying the spectacular musical movie Across the Universe
-Wearing a ZubazPants.com T-shirt (Right on!)
All of the above-mentioned activities are A-okay to perform in front of the masses. There is a line however between the socially accepted and behavior to the likes of Michael Vick. Now since I am looking out for all your crazy Zubaz behinds worldwide, I decided to grease the edges for you. I understand your pain though, trust me. You see a huge poster of the skanktastic slut Tila Tequila touching her tongue to God knows what part of her body in promotion of her new "show", or you hear Nickleback's latest single two times in a row at Whole Foods, and you instantly want to snatch the closest infant and toss it like a tennis ball against a nearby brick wall. But, you can't! Thanks to this easy to read, information packed, user-friendly guide you will now have a tremendously better idea of what behavior is surely unacceptable for public, and should be saved for private...so you can post it onto your myspace movies or whatever perve vlog you have. Here we go!
1- Groping a stranger while talking to them.
Seems like common sense not to break the touch barrier with strangers, but you would not believe how many times I have been touched by someone I did not know. As an observer you'd think we were freaken brother and sister, sister and sister, Mary-Kate Olsen and cocaine, but we didn't even know each other! Something about reaching your arms around the shoulders of a stranger shouts, "Yes I do cry myself to sleep fearing dateline MSNBC 'To Catch a Predator' (best show ever) is going to find me one day, but the way your hair smells like fresh strawberries is irresistible! Mmm!"
2- Reading Risque' Literature.
We can definitely chalk some stream of consciousness slips of the tongue up to freedoms granted by the US first amendment. There are certain books however, that should not be read in public. Some of these include, but are not limited to...
"My life with AIDS."
"How to Make Anti-diarrheal Medication Naturally"
"The Reformed Former Sex Offender Diaries"
"Racism Does Not equal Old School Values to Me, Man."
"Surviving Halo after you've sucked at it for 78 consecutive hours."
"OJ Simpson, American Hero."
"Arabic, Satan's Native Tongue."
"How to Get Hot Because Fat = Fug"
But for that last one, I might give some leeway. It's not so much that such literature promotes negativity and insipid values, as it is simply that an abundance of insecurity about our looks is a mental roadblock to living a happy life. Hey, no one seems to give a hoot about attractiveness over at America's Next Top Model, so why should we?
3 - Praising Ann Coulter
Ah, Ann Coulter. You know what the funny thing about Ann Coulter is? She could actually be deemed attractive, and I think that is why she gets away with what she does. Ok so you're tall, thin and blonde and somehow that equates to being Jesus, which is apparently also equal to Kanye West, according to Kanye West. Ann Coulter recently stated that, "everyone should be a Christian" and that you could "be a Jew, so long as you're non-practicing and that all Jews need to be perfected." Ann Coulter, if you were five inches shorter, 13 inches rounder, and had the complexion and bone structure of Marc Anthony, nobody would ever listen to you. But because you are not unfortunate looking, people could actually give a shit as to what you have to say and now you're making millions from running your big, crooked mouth. I say screw the bitch and toss a bagel at her, just for that comment alone. Tossing bagels = fun. Praising Ann Coulter = don't do it.
4- Quoting Chris Crocker
Normally my interweb ventures consist of ZubazPants.com and my blog, but one day I randomly logged into youtube with no specific purpose. On the main page, in that little reel of featured videos I saw a girl with bright yellow hair who looked extremely upset so I clicked it. It wasn't a girl, well not technically. I mean it's half girl, or, err... is that possible? Anyway, the heshe's name is Chris Crocker and it's a full-blown psycho. The thing that's so scary about Chris Crocker's journey from vlogging pervoid to nationally broadcasted figure hitting both radio and TV, is that it did it by agitating for attention through bawling ballistically, faking a lisp and wearing a triple A cup bra practically as a necklace. If that is what it takes to become famous, then there are millions of unemployed freak shows who have just found their calling. More frighteningly though, the more it talks, the greater the possibility people will start to take it seriously. To that I say, even if your love stick has become more seasoned in pitching its mansion in your partner's place of excrement, you probably still smell like rectum. Bottom line, quoting Chris Crocker gives your statement the stability of oatmeal, and your ass a requisition for a kicking.
5- Admitting you were featured on the "Ask the Common Sense Diva" AIM home page.
Now for those of you who use interweb chatting services other than AIM, the said chatting service has a wonderfully annoying homepage that opens in your browser upon login. There is probably a way to disable this, but had I been ambitious enough to do so, we would not have known the perils of being on the "Ask the Common Sense Diva" feature! From what I gather, this feature is an interactive question and answer service where AIM users can submit a question they find puzzling and a picture of themselves, all in hope of landing the coveted feature slot and more importantly being answered! An example is as follows:
If you have ever done this, in addition to speaking about it to people who didn't previously know, you're just silly. Think about it, you're asking the COMMON SENSE diva, what does that say about you? If the Common Sense diva said "yes, you should still perform your dance number while you're sick with food poisoning" (like Fergie did not too long ago) "you won't throw up on your fans" (like Fergie), would you do it? On top of that, think of other self described famous Divas. Beyonce for one, who just released a new pink "B" cell phone that boasts a "specialized ring tone" of a song she made when she was 10 in an attempt to become "closer" to her fans - riiight. And Mariah Carey. ...Yeah. That about sums it up. If you are having a dry spell and want some help with dating via the interweb, why not just go to match.com or eharmony and check your chances there? Is that perhaps more embarrassing? I'll let you be the judge. On a side note, don't you wish sites like match.com could match inanimate things? Imagine the union between pop culture and fad diets. Their kids would be like cute, little, furry Star Jones scuttling about the floor after heroin needles dressed in frilly pink frocks - adorable!
6- Physically Purchasing Ja Rule's New Album.
Ja Rule is about as good a rapper as Meg White is a drummer (I'm a White Stripes fan, but come on). In addition to his continual suckosity however, he recently slammed the Gays. Now lord knows what could have possibly come up that made him feel the need to lambaste the orientation, but the jerk did it. Of course afterward he issued a public apology in an attempt to regain his four gay fans stating that "I have relatives that are homosexual, and you know, they come over for Christmas and hang out." Really? How touching! All is forgiven Ja! Just please, for your own safety, don't do it. And if you do, please keep it to yourself.
And lastly...
7- Proudly exposing the ZubazPants.com tattoo on your toosh, or ya know, wherever.
Ah the beauty of tattoos. Yes they can be outrageously gorgeous, but something about having a rose on your left breast when you hit 55 isn't too appealing to me. And Lord knows when body parts start traveling south, I'm going left. Expressing yourself with your body can be can art though - so, could someone who is good at this please buy Britney Spears some fucking underwear? But seriously, Tattoos in naughty areas of the body should be kept private. ZubazPants.com is something to be proud of, of course! So I understand why desperately wanting to share the fact that ZubazPants.com touches a place in your heart that nothing else has been able to before seems like such a good idea. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother in this world. But hey wear a ZubazPants.com T-shirt, hit up our store or dedicate a blog journal to it. There are safer, cleaner, and wiser ways to show your love for Zubaz, so keep your clothes on and your alcohol intake moderate.
Ok Zubazkateers, I hope you can now sleep soundly knowing the difference between right and wrong. It's been a pleasure.
Source: Zubazpants.com
