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When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
 
im trying to stop using sexual innuendos so much, but its really, really hard.
 
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
 
There was a young man from Boston
Who was terribly fond of his Austin
He had room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em!
 
"Three guys walk into a restaurant"

A conservative, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The conservative looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the conservative requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the conservative, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The conservative felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your

kindness you are healed."


The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.


Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm on disability!"
 
Don't care it was just done...my favorite bad joke is this.

A guy walked into a bar screaming "Does anyone here own a 6 foot penguin??"

Everyone says "nope"

The guy looks like he's seen a ghost..

"Oh god, I just run over a nun"
 
Do you know what a Freudian slip is?

It's when you say one thing but mean your mother.
 
Two men were sitting around chatting, when the topic of slips of the tongue came up.
The first man said: "The other day I was at the airport, and the girl at the desk was a gorgeous redhead with a D-cup in a very tight sweater. What I meant to say was: I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh. What slipped out was: I'd like two pickets to Titsburg. It was embarrassing as hell."
They both had a good chuckle, then the second man said: "I had the same thing happen to me last night! Me and my wife were having dinner, and I meant to say: Would you please pass the potatoes. But what slipped out was: You bitch, you've ruined my life!"
 
SlyPokerDog said:
Two men were sitting around chatting, when the topic of slips of the tongue came up.
The first man said: "The other day I was at the airport, and the girl at the desk was a gorgeous redhead with a D-cup in a very tight sweater. What I meant to say was: I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh. What slipped out was: I'd like two pickets to Titsburg. It was embarrassing as hell."
They both had a good chuckle, then the second man said: "I had the same thing happen to me last night! Me and my wife were having dinner, and I meant to say: Would you please pass the potatoes. But what slipped out was: You bitch, you've ruined my life!"
Click to expand...

Was that NateBishop?
 
SlyPokerDog said:
Two men were sitting around chatting, when the topic of slips of the tongue came up.
The first man said: "The other day I was at the airport, and the girl at the desk was a gorgeous redhead with a D-cup in a very tight sweater. What I meant to say was: I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh. What slipped out was: I'd like two tits to Titsburg."
They both had a good chuckle, then the second man said: "I had the same thing happen to me! My wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say: Would you please pass the salt. But instead I said: Bitch, you've ruined my life!"
Click to expand...

I changed it to the version I heard. It is probably my favorite joke.
 
You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter lets him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says 'Who's that?' St. Peter says, 'Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.
 
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