Favorite jokes

[The Truth]

Jokes always crack me up just post the best ones you got your turn, no racist jokes remember

 

[redneck]

here are a few of my personal favorites.Q) What is the Defferance between a blonde and an ironing board? A) An Ironing boards legs are harder to get openQ)How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?A)Her Tampon is in her ear, and she cant find her pencil.Q)What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?A)They both been laid all over America.Q)What does a blonde and a Screen door have in common?A) The more you bang, the Looser it gets.Q)What do you call two nuns and a blonde?A)Two tight ends and a wide recerverQ)Why is a blonde like a shotgun?A)Give her a cock, and shes ready to blowQ) Whats the Differance between a blonde and a Mesquito?A)When you slap the Mesquito it stops suckingQ)What does a smart blonde, and a T-rex have in common?A)Know one knows, no bodies seen eitherQ)What does a Tampon, a Maxie pad, and Saddam hosain all have in common?A)They all Irratate Bush.What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?See ya next month!I just bought a new state-of-the-art Sony car stereo! When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car this morning and I shouted "f*cking kids" and it played Michael Jackson. Why do blacks put their garbage in clear bags?So puerto ricans can window shop! GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open totrade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MANBetween 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a wee wee

 

[Pacers fan forever]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (redneck @ Mar 26 2007, 10:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'>Q)What do you call two nuns and a blonde?A)Two tight ends and a wide recerver</div> :HAHAHA: Innapropiate but hilarious.I have a really dumb one:How many months of the year have 29 days in them?All of them!!!

 

[7Goat]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'>Q)What does a smart blonde, and a T-rex have in common?A)Know one knows, no bodies seen either</div>Did a blonde type that one?

 

[Bohemian]

man so much for the non racist jokeshaven't really heard many clean jokes, so imma just post a comic

 

[BALLAHOLLIC]

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.John, Will, and Steve died and went to heaven.When they got there god said you can live in eternal happiness if you follow one rule don't step on any ducks. They thought to themselves thats fair enough. Then they opened the pearly gates and saw millions and millions of ducks.Will stepped on one right away. god comes by and says I thought I made it clear not to step on any ducks your punishment is you will be chained to this hideous amazon woman for the rest of eternitya few weeks go by and Steve steps on a duck. god says I thought I made it clear not to step on any ducks your punishment is you will be chained to this hideous elephant woman for the rest of eternity.Its been months and john has still has not stepped on a duck. God drops by and chains this beautiful blonde swimsuit model to his arm. John says " I wonder what I did to deserve this beautiful woman"The blonde looks at him and says " I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck"There are 3 guys on a plane. One white, one black, and one mexican. The white guy puts out his hand. He says "It's cold. We must be in Canada." The black guy puts out his hand. He says "Its hot, we must be in Jamaica." The mexican guy puts out his hand. He says "My watch is gone. We must be in mexico."One day, a lady walks outside to see a little person in her front yard."You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."Next morning the little man wakes the woman up."Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies"F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs."Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!How are women and tornadoes alike?They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

 

[Rok]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'>How many months of the year have 29 days in them?All of them!!!</div> :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA:

 

[Memphology]

Just one racist joke:Q:Why do black people call white people honkies?A:Cause that was the last thing they heard before we hit them<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (redneck @ Mar 26 2007, 09:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'>What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?See ya next month!</div>Ive told that one before...half the people didnt get it...lol.

 

[Pacers fan forever]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Rok @ Mar 27 2007, 12:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'>:HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA: :HAHAHA:</div> :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban: :ban:

 

[DaBridge'07]

"Im your conscience" :HAHAHA:

 

[Memphology]

LMAO!!! Good one DaBridge

 

[P0W3RBALLIN]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (BALLAHOLLIC? @ Mar 26 2007, 09:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'>President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.</div>:HAHAHA:

 

[jonesboyz]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts.Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?" Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."The guy slumps, just crushed.Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just f*cking with you, she's dead."It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. .. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I as able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. ... President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sellshusbands.When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructionsat the entrance:"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the valueof the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any itemfrom a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but youCANNOT go back down except to exit the building."So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The 2nd floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The 3rd floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely goodlooking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men havejobs,love kids, are drop-dead go od looking and help with housework"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, helpwith housework and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the signreads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men onthis floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible toplease. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives storejust across the street.The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visitedAn attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollarson a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'mcompletely nude".With that, she stripped, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby,Mama needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I WON!"She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and herclothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of themasked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

[BrewCityBuck]

Erick talks to his girlfriend over the phone, they talk about how he's going to come over and have dinner with her family and that afterward she will have sex with him. Erick is obviously estatic because it will be his first time. After the phone call he goes to his local pharmacy and asks for condoms. He told the pharmacist it was his first time and that he would probably need a lot of condoms. The pharmacist was really nice and helped/talked to him for 45 minutes. Later that night Erick arrived at her house and sat down at the table because dinner was already ready. The father called for a prayer and after 15 seconds the prayer ended but Erick continued for minutes on end, his girlfriend leaned over and asked Erick, 'I didn't know you were this religious?'....Erick said, 'I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist.'

 

[CB4allstar]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (BrewCityBuck @ Mar 28 2007, 12:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'>Erick talks to his girlfriend over the phone, they talk about how he's going to come over and have dinner with her family and that afterward she will have sex with him. Erick is obviously estatic because it will be his first time. After the phone call he goes to his local pharmacy and asks for condoms. He told the pharmacist it was his first time and that he would probably need a lot of condoms. The pharmacist was really nice and helped/talked to him for 45 minutes. Later that night Erick arrived at her house and sat down at the table because dinner was already ready. The father called for a prayer and after 15 seconds the prayer ended but Erick continued for minutes on end, his girlfriend leaned over and asked Erick, 'I didn't know you were this religious?'....Erick said, 'I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist.'</div>

 

[Roaming]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (redneck @ Mar 26 2007, 10:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'>Q)Why is a blonde like a shotgun?A)Give her a cock, and shes ready to blow</div>:HAHAHA: