Joke of the day.....

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...already sent this to rick and tote, but I thought I'd share it.





The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife",
said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to
her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the
great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
From the little johnny file....

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
 
totus44 said:
From the little johnny file....

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
Click to expand...


Totus, are you drinking early today? I already told this joke. See post #25. Must be where you heard it before.
 
yankeesince59 said:
...already sent this to rick and tote, but I thought I'd share it.





The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife",
said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to
her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the
great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Click to expand...

:lol:

There is no finer Seafood than Alaska's bountiful mother lode. No wonder those Halibut are 100 lbs. the King Crab as big as a Man. Plenty to feed on in those deep waters...!!
 
...King Crab is perhaps the finest meat I have ever tasted. We don't get it much down here, and so we usually have to settle for snow crab legs @ $8.99 a pound...good crab meat but not up there with King Crab.


...butter, lemon,...nuff said.
 
totus44 said:
Kendry Morales, Stephen Drew and Scott Bora's walk into a bar...they spot a small table with 3 chairs in a back corner and the go have a seat, hoping to not be recognized. 20 minutes go by, and busboys and waitresses walk by them, completely oblivious to their presence. Bora's is getting angry and embarrassed, so he gets up and walks over to the bartender. He says "we've been seated here for nearly an hour, and we haven't been brought ice water, seen a menu or asked for our drink orders."

The bartender smiles and leans over to whisper... "Scott, you can't even get your clients drinks anymore?"


I'm here all season....try the veal.
Click to expand...


...^^^just now saw this...great example of a joke that is so f'n funny that it actually causes you to spew your Chee-tos and beer.
 
A poet and redneck were the finalists in a poetry reading contest. Their final performance to declare a winner was for each man to write and recite a quatrain that ended with the word Timbuktu.

The poet was called first reciting: Across the burning desert sands,
Rolled the mighty caravan.
Men on horseback two by two,
Destination Timbuktu!

The audience gave him a nice round of applause figuring no way could the redneck top that.

When the redneck was called he recited: Me and Tim a camping went,
Met three hookers in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu

The redneck won hands down
 
Yankeefan5545 said:
A poet and redneck were the finalists in a poetry reading contest. Their final performance to declare a winner was for each man to write and recite a quatrain that ended with the word Timbuktu.

The poet was called first reciting: Across the burning desert sands,
Rolled the mighty caravan.
Men on horseback two by two,
Destination Timbuktu!

The audience gave him a nice round of applause figuring no way could the redneck top that.

When the redneck was called he recited: Me and Tim a camping went,
Met three hookers in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu

The redneck won hands down
Click to expand...

Hands down indeed....LMAO....:clap::notworthy:
 
totus44 said:
From the little johnny file....

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
Click to expand...

I got you a part time gig in Vegas Tom.

Your in great demand at the Alzheimer's Unit of the VA, (NAM patients), as well as the Geriatric Country Club in North Vegas. Pay is not bad, keep in mind there are plenty of 'Dead Heads', so bring your own Kool-Aid, theirs is spiked....

The benefit of the gig, is you can tell the same joke 4 times in one hour, and they will never know they heard it before....eeekkks... :lol:
 
Rick2583 said:
Did you ever notice that when you put a stick in the water that it looks bent? well that's why I don't take baths.

I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

I spilled spot remover on my dog & now he's gone.

The other day I bought one them camouflage shirts, I put it in my closet & now I can't find it.

I've heard that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
Click to expand...

Ok, Ricky, your up next, as the Opener for Ron, at Caesar's Palace. Keep in mind, the Opening Act, is to warm up the crowd, and exhaust their endless supply of eggs and flying tomatoes. Bring your Full Body Rain Coat, and goggles. Not that your act is bad, its great. The better the more tomatoes.

You will be opening for Ron....

Ron, will be the Headliner, as he also does a great Franky Sinatra series of Tunes, after his comedy act. He's got the Presidential Suite reserved, and you can ask him to stay while in Vegas, in his walk in Closet, (its bigger than my house)....

He may even give you a ride in his Limo around Town, where you will have to share space in the Trunk with Tom....hehehe....
 
yankeesince59 said:
...already sent this to rick and tote, but I thought I'd share it.


The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife",
said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to
her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the
great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Click to expand...


Your Opening, booked for a solid year, at Caesars and NY-NY. The finest food will be at your disposal, Dom Perignon will flow from the taps in your Suite-Atop the World. You may hear an occasional noise coming out of the walk in closet, that's Rick hiding out. You may want to throw him a pillow.

Tom will be riding shotgun in the Trunk, with Rick. Can you look out for the two young upstarts...especially Tom, I'm sure the old broads will stick to him like glue. He may want to borrow your bed, in such case, I'd refer him to Rick's closet.

BTW-if the pay is insufficient, you will be handed a Black Unlimited American Express Card, courtesy of Rick, he still does not know its been issued...take all privileges.
 
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