Funny Joke of the day

[Mediocre Man]

With Dark Phoenix bombing at the box office and Caitlyn Jenner being a jerk on Instagram, it's been a tough year for X-Men

 

[riverman]

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things! ...George Carlin

 

[andalusian]

A nurse on her lunch break is searching her purse to sign a check. All she finds is a rectal thermometer. Upset, all she can say is "Some asshole has my pen".

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Trump

 

[julius]

Trump

The title said "day" not "century".

 

[Mediocre Man]

A woman and her friend are walking across a bridge when one woman says she needs to pee. Her friend tells her to go over the side like guys do because no one is around. So the woman drops her pants, hangs her ass over the edge, then calls her friend over.

She says see that canoe down there? I'm going to pee into it. Her friend looks down, then tells the woman.......

That's not a canoe, that's your reflection.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

A woman and her friend are walking across a bridge when one woman says she needs to pee. Her friend tells her to go over the side like guys do because no one is around. So the woman drops her pants, hangs her ass over the edge, then calls her friend over.

She says see that canoe down there? I'm going to pee into it. Her friend looks down, then tells the woman.......

That's not a canoe, that's your reflection.

Dude.

 

[TorturedBlazerFan]

Dude.

I want to know... Did you laugh?

 

[SlyPokerDog]

I want to know... Did you laugh?

Chuckle.

 

[CupWizier]

A man enters a bar and sits next to an attractive blonde at the bar. He orders a drink and asks the lady what she is watching on tv. She replies that news is showing a guy threatening to jump off a building. He replies that he will bet her $10 that the guy will jump She accepts the bet. A few minutes later the guy jumps and the gal pulls out $10 and gives it to the man. He then refuses to accept as he confesses he had seen it on the news earlier that day. She retorts that she also saw it earlier but didn't believe he would do it again.

 

[Lanny]

A woman had her vanity plate application denied because it said PB4UGO. It was later approved. True story. Saw it on the local news last night.

 

[Mediocre Man]

A woman had her vanity plate application denied because it said PB4UGO. It was later approved. True story. Saw it on the local news last night.

So wrong thread?

 

[Lanny]

So wrong thread?

Your response was too vague for me.

 

[oldfisherman]

Did you ever notice when you combine the two words "The IRS", it spells "theirs"?

 

[Hoopguru]

A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
PreviousNext
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

 

[oldfisherman]

With the rise of self-driving vehicles. It is only a matter of time before we get a country song about a guy's truck also leaving him.

 

[riverman]

A guy went into a record store looking for something a little country and a little rap.....the clerk led him to the section entitled CRAP

 

[MarAzul]

 

[Lanny]

Did you ever notice when you combine the two words "The IRS", it spells "theirs"?

But the IRS and what it funds belongs to US. If you don't like your taxes vote for Trump and a Republican Congress. Good luck because the majority ain't gonna please you with their choices.

 

[Lanny]

With the rise of self-driving vehicles. It is only a matter of time before we get a country song about a guy's truck also leaving him.

That sounds like my luck.

 

[UncleCliffy'sDaddy]

Did you guys know that diarrhea is hereditary?? Yep, it runs in your jeans.......

 

[riverman]

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on a shore looking like an idiot.
To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research...Steven Wright

 

[Shaboid]

Three men go to heaven and there are ducks everywhere...

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will also be chained with an ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The third man has seen enough and months he tries his best not to step on a duck and tries to be as cautious as possible. After a year in Heaven Saint Peter's brings a pretty girl and he is chained with her for eternity.

Third man: How did I ever get chained with a pretty girl like you for eternity? Pretty girl: I don't know but I stepped on a duck...

 

[riverman]

Hell's Angels mama goes to a tattoo parlor and says, " I want Paul Newman on my left inner thigh and Robert Redford on my right one" The guy does the work and she goes home to her biker old man to show him....she asks if he recognizes them....He says, " The one on the left sort of looks like Paul Newman and the one on the right sort of looks like Robert Redford but the one in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!"

 

[Mediocre Man]

Got my first prostate exam. About 1/2 way through my dr told me "no reason to be embarrassed, erections happen all the time. I said to the dr that I didn't have an erection. Then he said "I was talking about me"





I should have known something was up when I asked him where to put my pants and he said "over on the chair next to mine"

 

[Lanny]

Two men go fishing way out in the wilderness where they are miles from the nearest town.
One man decides to go take a pee over in the brush as he's peeing a rattlesnake rears up and bites him on the head of his pecker.
He yells for help and his buddy comes running.
The buddy says I don't know what to do but I'm going to rush to town and find a doctor.
The buddy drives as fast as he can to the nearest town and finds a doctor.
The buddy tells the doctor the situation and asks what to do.
The doctor says you've got to make an incision at the wound and suck out the poison.
The man drives back to his friend out in the wilderness.
The poisoned man asks "Well, what did the doctor say?"
The buddy replies "Doctor says you're gonna die."

 

[Mediocre Man]

Guy goes into a bar. There is a caged monkey on the bar. Guy asks the bartender about it, but the bartender says to forget about it.

Several hours of asking go by, so the bartender finally agrees to explain to the guy.

He takes the monkey out of the cage, grabs a mallet under the bar, hits the monkey on the head and the monkey performs oral sex on the bartender.

The guy says wow, that's incredible. The bartender asks if he would like to try. The guy replies absolutely, just don't hit me so hard.

 

[Lanny]

Man walks into a bar.
The first thing the bartender notices is that on top of the man's head is a frog which seems to be growing out of the man's head.
The bartender asks "How did that happen?"
The frog replies "I dunno, it started out as a wart on the bottom of my foot."

 

[Lanny]

Guy goes into a bar. There is a caged monkey on the bar. Guy asks the bartender about it, but the bartender says to forget about it.

Several hours of asking go by, so the bartender finally agrees to explain to the guy.

He takes the monkey out of the cage, grabs a mallet under the bar, hits the monkey on the head and the monkey performs oral sex on the bartender.

The guy says wow, that's incredible. The bartender asks if he would like to try. The guy replies absolutely, just don't hit me so hard.

I heard this joke as a bartender and an alligator. The bartender would hit the alligator on it's back really hard with a cane. You know the rest.

 

[riverman]

Guy went to a doctor for a penis extension...said, "Doc I want it hang below my knees.....doc replied...no problem but you'll need to be knocked out..." When he woke up post surgery he discovered his legs were 2 inches long.