Funny Joke of the day (1 Viewer)

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 
Last year my family was able to go to Ireland to visit my uncle, Sean. He took us around the village, pointing out the things around the area. It was fascinating to hear him tell stories about his life.

We drove by a bakery. My uncle said he started the bakery, but does anyone call him Sean the baker? No

Then we drove by this huge barn, my uncle Sean said he built, but does anyone call him Sean the barn builder? No

Finally, we drove over a bridge. My uncle said that he helped construct the bridge, but does anyone call him Sean the bridge builder? No

He says but you fuck 1 goat........
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."!!
 
A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. The man says "where the hell do you think you're going?"

The woman replies "a woman in my book club told me you can get $400 for a blow job in Las Vegas, so I figured why not make some money for something I do to you for free"

The man disappears for a bit and soon comes downstairs with HIS suitcase packed.

The woman asks "where do you think YOU'RE going?"

The man says "with you. I can't wait to see how you survive on $400 per year"
 
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."
 
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk"

Cop: "Holy shit!"

The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.

Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?"

John: "Sure"

John had his license

Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?"

John: "Sure"

It was his car

Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"

John: "Sure"

There were no weapons

Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?"

John: "Be my guest"

There were no bodies in the trunk

Chief: "Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk"

John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
 
A man and his wife have been married for 2 years. They have 1 year old twin girls, and seem really happy. The only peculiar thing about them is the husband only has sex in the dark.

One night the wife flips on the light and sees the husband is using a strap on.

Startled, the wife demands an answer. The husband, ashamed, professes he is impotent and didn't think she would marry him if she knew.

Then the husband pauses and says "But enough about me, explain the children."
 
A man comes home with a duck under his arms. His wife says "what the hell is that?"

The man says "this is the pig I've been screwing"

The wife says "that's not a pig, it's a duck"

The husband says to the wife, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the duck"
 
My softball team was at a bar after a game, and the beer was flowing freely. We were telling jokes, and they were getting more and more off-color as the afternoon progressed. I asked, "What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub? You throw in your laundry." Everyone laughed except one guy, who stood up, walked around the table, and punched me in the face. The others separated us, and when things calmed down I went to the guy and said, "I apologize if I touched a nerve, was that a sensitive subject?" He said, "My brother was an epileptic, and he died in the bathtub." I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Did he drown?" He replied, "No, he choked on a sock."
 
Mediocre Man said:
A man comes home with a duck under his arms. His wife says "what the hell is that?"

The man says "this is the pig I've been screwing"

The wife says "that's not a pig, it's a duck"

The husband says to the wife, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the duck"
Click to expand...

:tongue:
Damn!
You are a crude old dude!
 
A husband and wife were in bed chatting, and the wife said "you know what would be great? If you'd be a bit gentler when we have sex."

The husband said he would and then asked his wife if she would do him a favor also and tell him when she had an orgasm.

She replied that she would, but he has told her several times not to call him at work.
 
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
 
A single man goes to a whore house. He tells the madam that he doesn't want the usual thing guys paid for and that he wanted something extremely unusual. The madam says she's got just the ticket and sends him to room 7. He goes in and there's a duck. He says to himself "say what?" then he says "oh well, I asked for it". As he leaves he thanks the madam and pays her the fee.
A wek later he comes back and says "last week was very interesting but now I want something equally unusual but not the duck".
She says "okay, go to room 8". He goes inside room 8 and the place is very dark and difficult for him to see. As his eyes start to adjust he says "hey, what's goin on in here?" He looks around and sees there's a whole bunch of men in there.
One of the men says "shhh" and the man sees that all the other men are looking at a one way mirror.
On the other side of the mirror he sees a man in a room with a donkey.
He goes "wow, that's really weird"
One of the other guys says "you should have been here last week. There was a man with a duck."
 
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
 
Road Ratt said:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
Click to expand...
Still a good joke.
 
One late night two women were walking home from the bar. As they passed a cemetery, one woman says she has to pee. "So do I" says the other woman.

They soon find a spot and pee. Afterwards, as they continue home, the first woman says she had to use her panties to wipe with, while the other woman said she was able to find a ribbon from a wreath.

The next morning the husbands were out playing golf, when one turned to the other and said he was so mad because his wife came home with no panties.

The other said "you think that's bad, my wife had a card between her butt cheeks that read from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you"
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."
 
This Texan goes into a bar in Alaska.
The Texan says everything is big in Texas where men are men.
An Alaskan says "Oh yeah, well we don't consider an Alaskan to be a man unless he can drink a full fifth of whiskey straight down without taking a breath of air."
"Also, a man up here has to spend the night with an Eskimo woman making love to her all night and wrestle a grizzly bear with his bare hands."
The Texan says "Give me a bottle of your strongest whiskey" and drinks it straight down without taking so much as a tiny gulp of air.
"Now, point me to a grizzly bear and an Eskimo woman."
They give him directions to an Eskimo whore house and where to find a grizzly bear.
The Alaskans return to their drinking knowing they have seen the last of this guy.
Two days later the Texan returns to the bar. He's bloodied and his clothes are nearly torn off.
The Texan says "Now where's that Eskimo woman you want me to wrestle?"
 
A little boy wanted $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the sorting office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God:

Dear God, Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington.

As usual, they deducted $95 for themselves.
 
A young boy hears screaming down the hall. He cautiously opened his parents door and saw his dad lying on top of his mom, who was screaming with her legs up in the air.

His dad, startled, told his son to go back to his room and that he would be there shortly to tuck him in

In about 15 minutes, as the dad was about to his son's room, he heard screaming coming from his sons room

The dad walked in, saw his son lying on top of his grandmother and said "what the hell is going on. And his son replied "it's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?
 
So a boy comes home from school and asks his dad to explain the difference between hypothetically and reality.

His dad tells him to ask his mom if she would have sex with a stranger for a million dollars.

The son asks his mom, she thinks for a bit and says "yes, I probably would because it would help our family so much"

The son tells his father what his mother said, and the father then asks his son to ask his big sister if she would have sex with a stranger for a million dollars.

The son asks his sister and she says "absolutely, that's a ton of money"

The son goes back to his dad, telling him what his sister said.

The father replies "there you go, there is your answer."

"Hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but in reality, were just living with a couple of whores."
 
Lanny said:
This Texan goes into a bar in Alaska.
The Texan says everything is big in Texas where men are men.
An Alaskan says "Oh yeah, well we don't consider an Alaskan to be a man unless he can drink a full fifth of whiskey straight down without taking a breath of air."
"Also, a man up here has to spend the night with an Eskimo woman making love to her all night and wrestle a grizzly bear with his bare hands."
The Texan says "Give me a bottle of your strongest whiskey" and drinks it straight down without taking so much as a tiny gulp of air.
"Now, point me to a grizzly bear and an Eskimo woman."
They give him directions to an Eskimo whore house and where to find a grizzly bear.
The Alaskans return to their drinking knowing they have seen the last of this guy.
Two days later the Texan returns to the bar. He's bloodied and his clothes are nearly torn off.
The Texan says "Now where's that Eskimo woman you want me to wrestle?"
Click to expand...

:tongue:
The funniest thing about this one is the list of likes.
Nobody is dumb enough to wrestle and Eskimo woman!
 
CupWizier said:
Two guys sitting in a bar having some drinks when one guy points across the bar at two old drunks and comments "that's us in 10 years". The other guy quips "that's a mirror dipshit."
Click to expand...
Crap, that makes me dipshit.
 
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