Funny Joke of the day

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There was once a magician who performed sleight-of-hand tricks on a cruise ship. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of it and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in just seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eyes.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
 
UncleCliffy'sDaddy said:
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. And, not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any since."
Click to expand...

And the Mormons?
 
The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians, and was about to be put to death. The Chief spoke, "Since you are the great Lone Ranger I will grant you 3 wishes and kill you after the Harvest festival in 3 days.”

The Lone Ranger said, "for my first with, I want to talk to my horse."

The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away.

Later that night, Silver came back with a stunningly beautiful blonde woman in the saddle. The Lone Ranger took the blonde into his tent where they spent the night together. The next morning the Lone Ranger asked the Chief, "I want to see my horse again."

"Again?" the Chief sighed and reluctantly agreed. The Lone Ranger whispered into Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away.

Later the next night, Silver returned, this time with a beautiful redhead in the saddle.
The Lone Ranger and the woman went into his tent and spent the night together. The Lone Ranger said, "For my 3rd wish, I want to see my horse again, but this time alone"

The Chief reluctantly agreed

After the Chief left, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver's reins and shouted at him, "Now listen, you stupid mother fucker: I said bring POSSE!!"
 
How pissed was Kamala Harris after first hearing that they gave Joe Biden the boot, only to find out it was one for his broken foot?
 
So, in the old West days these two best friends decide to prospect for gold. They go to this gold mining camp way out in nowhere. They go to the country store and get all their supplies and head out to go prospecting.
Well, they're having some good luck and decide they need some more supplies because it's been a while.
They ask the clerk in a whisper, "Say, what do you guys do way out here for sex? I haven't seen any women." The clerk replies "We drill a hole in a board and line it with leather and use that." "Oh My God" Replies the prospector and heads out with his supplies. Every month the two come into the small town to get new supplies and then one time one prospector comes in alone.
The clerk says "What happened to your buddy?" The prospector replies "Had to shoot him." The clerk then asks "But why?" The prospector says "Caught him with my board."
 
Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?' 'I'll try!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will!'
 
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