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What's pink and silver and hates having sex?

The kid wrapped in duct tape in the trunk of my car...
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders three shots of Pendleton. Bartender pours 'em, and the guy throws 'em down 1, 2, 3. Then he orders three shots of Grey Goose, and again, swills them one after the other. His next order is three shots of Jameson. As the bartender fills the glasses, he exclaims, "Wow, I've never seen anybody drink like that!" The guy replies, "Well, if you had what I have, you'd drink like this, too" and proceeds to drink all three shots without even taking a breath in between. The bartender takes on a sympathetic air and says, "Gee, what do you have?" The guy answers "Thirty-seven cents."
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
 
3RA1N1AC said:
do you know what jerry garcia would be doing if he was alive right now?
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scratching frantically on the inside of his coffin
Click to expand...
One of my dad's favorites.
 
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
 
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
 
I swear women can be so ungrateful. I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of thanking me all she did was yell at me and ask how I got into her house
 
Ok, so here's the only Middle Eastern joke ever told:

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
IT IS YOU WHO IS WRONG!




Makes me laugh every time. To do it right you have to make your eyes go wide and shout it loudly.
 
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My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said 'I wanna watch.'
 
A man showed up for work with his head wrapped in bandages. When asked what happened, he said, "I'm not sure. My wife and I were down at the waterfront watching the Queen Elizabeth II dock. I said to the fellow next to me. 'It never ceases to amaze me how many tugs it takes to get the old girl into her slip' and suddenly everything went dark..."
 
A Texan, a Californian and an Oregonian are sitting around a campfire drinking. The Texan take a chug of Jack Daniels, throws the bottle up in the air, takes out his six-shooter and shoots the bottle. He says, "Don't worry. We've got plenty of those in Texas." The Californian then chugs half of his PBR, throws it up in the air, takes out his Glock and shoots the can. He says, "Don't worry, there are plenty of those in California." The Oregonian takes out a craft micro-brew, drinks the entire beer, throws the bottle in the recycling, takes out his hunting rifle and shoots the Californian. The Texan screams, "Why did you do that?!" The Oregonian replies, "Don't worry. There are plenty of those back in Oregon."
 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed a while back, Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
 
Q. How are brussel sprouts like pubic hair?

A. You push them to the side before you eat.

*********

A woman walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What’ll you have. The woman says, An entendre. Make it a double. So he gives it to her.
 
January, 2013

Obama+MOVING+DAY.jpg
 
Zybot said:
A woman walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What’ll you have. The woman says, An entendre. Make it a double. So he gives it to her.
Click to expand...

I'd love to steal this one, if that's ok. Repped.
 
A man and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

He picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
 
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ABM said:
HCP and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

He picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Click to expand...

Fixed it for you.
 
If Romney wins the election, we'll be going from a President the color of a catcher's glove to a President named after a catcher's glove.
 
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
"Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point.

We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher
 
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