Tualatin, OR – Owner Paul Allen announced today that the Blazers hired John Simmons, an experienced top level executive who has worked for many NBA teams, as the Blazers new General Manager. Allen introduced Simmons at a press conference outside the team’s headquarters in Tualatin. Eight minutes later, Allen called another press conference to announce he had fired him.
“I didn’t like the way he took off his glasses,” stated Allen. “He took them off with one hand. You should always use two hands when removing eye glasses. I can’t trust a guy like that.”
Simmons said he was ‘shocked and surprised’ by the firing but thanked Allen for the opportunity. He was in the middle of brokering a deal that would have acquired Dwight Howard for a second round pick when he was given the news.
“I am grateful to the Blazers and the fans for the chance to be a part of this fine franchise,” said Simmons. “Those eight minutes were some of the greatest minutes of my life.”
Paul Allen expressed gratitude toward Simmons for his hard work and dedication to the organization but said there were many factors to why he chose to let him go. He went on to tell reporters that Simmons’ handshake was ‘a little too firm’ and that he smelled ‘sort of like butterscotch.’
“It doesn’t matter that John Simmons was able to restructure Brandon Roy’s contract to clear cap space in the eight minutes he was here,” added Allen. “I felt no chemistry with him. We have nothing in common. I asked him how many Jimi Hendrix guitars he owns and he said ‘none’.”
President Larry Miller said that once you learn what Mr. Allen wants to hear, he can be a great boss to work for. He says you just have to know the basic stuff, like the influence biotechnology had on the work of French artist Jean Dubuffet.
“Paul made the right decision to fire Mr. Simmons,” stated Miller. “The next choice he makes will also be the right choice and so will the one after that.”
Allen argued that he is not a difficult man to get a long with. He just wants to find a general manager who can bring a title to Portland and knows how to make an extra dry martini while talking quantum physics.
