This is why I love Reddit

[mook]

This one actually happened. I was going out to pick up a sixpack of beer.

Wife: "Can you also pick up a bag of potatoes while you're there?"
Me: "So...an Irish seven course meal."

 

[mook]

You know why there are so many battered women in this country?
They won't shut the fuck up.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

A black man, a rapist and a homophobe walk into a bar. Bartenders says, "Hi Kobe!"

Hahahahaha! Rep'd!

 

[oldmangrouch]

True story.

Our dog (Bear) and our friend's dog (Truman) are playing in our back yard.

Truman pauses to take a mamoth dump.

Bear decides to defend "his" backyard by pissing on it.

Truman returns and piddles on the pile.

Bear declares "no you didn't!" and pees on the pile a second time.

I'm watching 2 dogs argue over who owns a pile of poop....and I'm thinking I might as well be reading this forum!

 

[SlyPokerDog]

You ever find yourself buying things just because you want to have sex with the person selling them to you?...
So, I get home and I've got all these boxes everywhere, and I realize: I don't even like Thin Mints..

 

[BlazerWookee]

You know there are 50,000 battered women in America?

And all these years I've been eating them plain...

You know what they have in common?

They just (backhand to palm smack) don't (backhand to palm smack) fucking (backhand to palm smack) listen (backhand to palm smack).

 

[SlyPokerDog]

True story.

Our dog (Bear) and our friend's dog (Truman) are playing in our back yard.

Truman pauses to take a mamoth dump.

Bear decides to defend "his" backyard by pissing on it.

Truman returns and piddles on the pile.

Bear declares "no you didn't!" and pees on the pile a second time.

I'm watching 2 dogs argue over who owns a pile of poop....and I'm thinking I might as well be reading this forum!

I'm not sure if I should rep you or ban you for that.

Okay, I went with rep./

 

[mook]

So I was eating out grandma and suddenly I could taste horse semen. So that's how she must have died.

(^This one gets posted on reddit a lot. Makes me cringe every time.)

 

[SlyPokerDog]

So I was eating out grandma and suddenly I could taste horse semen. So that's how she must have died.

(^This one gets posted on reddit a lot. Makes me cringe every time.)

I'm sure the horse isn't bragging about it to his friends either.

 

[OregonHuskerMan]

Whats the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus?

Santa goes down the chimney, Jews go up.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Whats the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus?

Santa goes down the chimney, Jews go up.

Rep!

 

[Further]

Whats the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus?

Santa goes down the chimney, Jews go up.

In any other context than this thread, I'd be fucking pissed. I'll rep you too, but keep this one under wrap.

 

[RR7]

Why do black people only have nightmares?
The last one to have a dream got shot.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

Why do black people only have nightmares?
The last one to have a dream got shot.

Rep'd

 

[ABM]

This thread is disgusting. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves.

 

[BlazerWookee]

So I was eating out grandma and suddenly I could taste horse semen. So that's how she must have died.

(^This one gets posted on reddit a lot. Makes me cringe every time.)

I think it works better if you say "I was eating pussy the other night, and suddenly I could taste horse semen. I thought to myself, 'Gee, Grandma, so that's how you died...'"

 

[maxiep]

The three pedo jokes were hilarious:

You can say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds.

I have no respect for pedophiles, they're fucking immature assholes.

and my favorite

My girlfriend thinks I'm a pedophile, but what does she know? She's only 8.

 

[maxiep]

Here's one for HCP: "Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team... because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already across the border"