lol, I know you're messing around. This is my opinion and I may be just being overly critical but the Blazers play really bad team defense. They rely on great plays in one on defense to get stops. I always watch defense as it's more my thing than offense, but look at how teams guard the Blazers it's all team defense, funneling the guards into shot blockers or help defenders. The way they trap and all that it's all team defense, the Blazers don't really do that type of stuff, when they run Zone they're constantly out of position there too which I mean it's a zone you guard the zone you're in, but it doesn't work if your big goes to the weak side and is guarding air.
I will say, I'm kind of impressed with Simons defense though, he moves his feet really well, he gets hung up on screens, but that's something that comes with experience. They just play an "interesting" style of defense then what many other teams play.