Joke of the day.....

[Rick2583]

One is always looking for a good joke to share with there friends & family so I thought I'd start a thread where each day someone could enjoy a good joke & share one of your own if you have one.

We'll keep this as just one ongoing thread. Enjoy......

An 80 year old couple get married, on there wedding night the woman says to her new husband, "before we do anything you need to know that I have acute angina", To which the husband replies, "I hope so because you have ugly tits".

 

[Hammerojustice]

One is always looking for a good joke to share with there friends & family so I thought I'd start a thread where each day someone could enjoy a good joke & share one of your own if you have one.

We'll keep this as just one ongoing thread. Enjoy......

An 80 year old couple get married, on there wedding night the woman says to her new husband, "before we do anything you need to know that I have acute angina", To which the husband replies, "I hope so because you have ugly tits".

groan

 

[totus44]

I guess yesterday's joke of the day was... "Curtis Granderson". Yesterday was funnier.

 

[Rick2583]

Don't you guys have ANY good jokes to share?

 

[totus44]

Kendry Morales, Stephen Drew and Scott Bora's walk into a bar...they spot a small table with 3 chairs in a back corner and the go have a seat, hoping to not be recognized. 20 minutes go by, and busboys and waitresses walk by them, completely oblivious to their presence. Bora's is getting angry and embarrassed, so he gets up and walks over to the bartender. He says "we've been seated here for nearly an hour, and we haven't been brought ice water, seen a menu or asked for our drink orders."

The bartender smiles and leans over to whisper... "Scott, you can't even get your clients drinks anymore?"


I'm here all season....try the veal.

 

[Berra_10_W.S.Rings]

Kendry Morales, Stephen Drew and Scott Bora's walk into a bar...they spot a small table with 3 chairs in a back corner and the go have a seat, hoping to not be recognized. 20 minutes go by, and busboys and waitresses walk by them, completely oblivious to their presence. Bora's is getting angry and embarrassed, so he gets up and walks over to the bartender. He says "we've been seated here for nearly an hour, and we haven't been brought ice water, seen a menu or asked for our drink orders."

The bartender smiles and leans over to whisper... "Scott, you can't even get your clients drinks anymore?"

I'm here all season....try the veal.

not even milk!

 

[Hammerojustice]

Kendry Morales, Stephen Drew and Scott Bora's walk into a bar...they spot a small table with 3 chairs in a back corner and the go have a seat, hoping to not be recognized. 20 minutes go by, and busboys and waitresses walk by them, completely oblivious to their presence. Bora's is getting angry and embarrassed, so he gets up and walks over to the bartender. He says "we've been seated here for nearly an hour, and we haven't been brought ice water, seen a menu or asked for our drink orders."

The bartender smiles and leans over to whisper... "Scott, you can't even get your clients drinks anymore?"


I'm here all season....try the veal.

LOL

 

[Rick2583]

Okay how about some blond jokes......................

You know why blonds don't use vibrators?, it chips there teeth.

How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday?, tell them a joke on Wednesday.

How can you tell a blond is having a bad day? she's got a tampon behind her ear & she can't find her pencil.

 

[Mattingly23NY]

Ho-Kay, Blonde Jokes it tis...~~~!!!

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."


Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

 

[Mattingly23NY]

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

 

[Mattingly23NY]

Rick, this one is custom tailored just for you, and all Giant Fans too...!

A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.

 

[Yankeefan5545]

Two blondes were driving on the Garden State Parkway enroute to Atlantic City. Upon seeing a road sign stating Atlantic City left, they turned around and went home.

 

[Rick2583]

A man walks into his son's room & says, "Billy do not masterbate you'll go blind". And Billy says, "Dad, I'm over here".

I grew up very poor, if I wasn't born a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Did you ever notice that constipated people just don't seem to give a shit?

Do you know why Jews wandered the desert for 40 years?, somebody dropped a shekel.

I once went to a drive in movie in a cab. The movie costs me $265.00

 

[Mattingly23NY]

and I thought "they" wandered in the desert for 40 years, cuz someone told them dessert (de-zert) was everywhere, free for the taking, i(n the Desert)...!!!

I once worked around this ass wipe technician. This asshole's last name was "Bates". When he put a call on our Inspection Board, (tho' we knew where he was on the Aircraft; and we knew where the job/work was, on the Aircraft.

Upon signing into his call, we would not bother to go to the Airplane, rather we would Yell, MASTER-BATES, MASTER BATES, where are you ????? The moron got back his own shit, the mind is a mirror reflecting those who pose in front of it. In this case, the asswipe, wound up quitting, as he couldn't take the pressure being fed back to his own empty heart and soul, a mean spirited SOB, who was only happy if he had something to complain or bitch about.

served the fokker right....what comes around goes around.

 

[3RA1N1AC]

I'm trying to stop using sexual innuendos all the time, but its really, REALLY hard. And veiny.

 

[Mattingly23NY]

I'm trying to stop using sexual innuendos all the time, but its really, REALLY hard. And veiny.

Aye, we agree....I don't care to use sexual innuendo, yet it tis hard, especially when reflecting on actual historical events.

The people places and names, have been changed to protect the innocent, and avoid judicial arbitration.....

 

[3RA1N1AC]

 

[totus44]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

 

[totus44]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

 

[Rick2583]

My wife got one of them MUD PACKS & she looked great for two days..........then the mud fell off.

I've been single a long time, as a matter of fact the last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the statue of liberty.

You know I've come to the conclusion that elevators smell a whole lot different to midgets.

 

[totus44]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

 

[totus44]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

 

[totus44]

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

 

[totus44]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

 

[Rick2583]

a young boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigerette and asks him if he could have one, "Well, says the grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" and the boys says, "No grandpa". Well then you can't have one..

A little while later grandpa walks into the kitchen & sees the boy having milk & cookies and he asks the boy if he could have one of his cookies. The boy says, "well grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" And the grandpa says, "yes it can". "Good says the little boy, now go fuck yourself because they're my cookies".

 

[3RA1N1AC]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

 

[Yankeefan5545]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

I heard that joke years ago and I still laugh myself to death, the version I heard used the phrase Give me some God Dam Corn Flakes. Most couples who have had kids get a real charge on it.

 

[Rick2583]

I heard that joke years ago and I still laugh myself to death, the version I heard used the phrase Give me some God Dam Corn Flakes. Most couples who have had kids get a real charge on it.

Yeah Buddy Hackett told that one on the tonight show (Johnny Carson) about 30 years ago.

 

[Mattingly23NY]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

My wife got one of them MUD PACKS & she looked great for two days..........then the mud fell off.

I've been single a long time, as a matter of fact the last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the statue of liberty.

You know I've come to the conclusion that elevators smell a whole lot different to midgets.

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

a young boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigerette and asks him if he could have one, "Well, says the grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" and the boys says, "No grandpa". Well then you can't have one..

A little while later grandpa walks into the kitchen & sees the boy having milk & cookies and he asks the boy if he could have one of his cookies. The boy says, "well grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" And the grandpa says, "yes it can". "Good says the little boy, now go fuck yourself because they're my cookies".

ROFLMFAO...!!!

I can't get find Comedy this good in Vegas, or the Comedy Club....!!! Touche guys-thanks for the gift of LAUGHTER-hysterical laughter.

 

[Rick2583]

Did you ever notice that when you put a stick in the water that it looks bent? well that's why I don't take baths.

I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

I spilled spot remover on my dog & now he's gone.

The other day I bought one them camouflage shirts, I put it in my closet & now I can't find it.

I've heard that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.