Joke Thread (the return)

[Further]

With all of the crap going on here lately, I thought a good joke thread could be fun.




The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.” “What?” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?” Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles"



HCP walks into a crowded bar brandishing a revolver yelling “Who’s been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo, mate!”



The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, “I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” A nun in the back responds, “Thank God! I’m so tired of Zinfandel.”

 

[BlazerCaravan]

Sorry.

 

[Further]

Sorry.

I didn't have any jokes loaded. Just did a quick search. They can't all be winners, just ask BGD.

 

[BlazerCaravan]

I didn't have any jokes loaded. Just did a quick search. They can't all be winners, just ask BGD.

No that was me apologizing in an edit. I had posted:

"The Florida Judicial System."

 

[JfizzleBlazer]

No racist jokes! Otherwise people from moms basement will tell you you're a racist.

 

[3RA1N1AC]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surprise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

 

[Mediocre Man]

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer, the lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy"

 

[KeepOnRollin]

I was going to make a gay joke, butt fuck it!

 

[BlazerWookee]

What goes "clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG! BANG! clip clop clip clop clip clop...?"

An Amish drive-by shooting...

 

[BlazerCaravan]

I had a joke on this forum with the punchline being "Fuck, MIXUM!" but now I can't find it.

EDIT: here it is... from 2009:

http://sportstwo.com/threads/151940...-tomorrow!-)?p=2212614&viewfull=1#post2212614

 

[BlazerCaravan]

What goes "clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG! BANG! clip clop clip clop clip clop...?"

An Amish drive-by shooting...

 

[3RA1N1AC]

what did the old man get for his birthday?

anal cancer

 

[Further]

A man on a business trip scours the internet looking for the perfect present for his wife for their 25th anniversary. He finds a beautiful sexy nightie, the most shear nightie he's ever seen, practically invisible. And from some fancy boutique shop, it cost $500, so he buys it and has it shipped to his wife for when he returns home and they have a chance to celebrate.
The wife receives it, the most shear nightie she ever saw, and with a huge price tag. So she decides her husband will never notice, she will return the nightie for $500 bucks of spending money and just appear nude, he will never know.
The night arrives, the man awaits as his wife walks totally naked into the room, and he says "for $500, you would think they would iron the damn thing"

 

[BlazerCaravan]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to GOD again.

 

[3RA1N1AC]

i bet my butcher $1000 dollars he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf

he said "sorry, i dont like to gamble with steaks that high"

 

[BlazerCaravan]

i bet my butcher $1000 dollars he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf

he said "sorry, i dont like to gamble with steaks that high"

Is that Henny Youngman?

 

[3RA1N1AC]

no idea, my dad told it to me

 

[Sedatedfork]

An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me fart."

 

[Further]

God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?”
Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”
God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. From these two gifts you will derive great pleasure and great intellect.”
“Wow, God,” Adam replies, “that’s great. But what’s the bad news?”
God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time.”

 

[BigGameDamian]

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin' how big I get.

 

[Mediocre Man]

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin' how big I get.

Rodney deserves his own thread

 

[Further]

Rodney deserves his own thread

He gets no respect.

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

With all of the crap going on here lately, I thought a good joke thread could be fun.




The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.” “What?” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?” Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles"



HCP walks into a crowded bar brandishing a revolver yelling “Who’s been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo, mate!”



The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, “I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” A nun in the back responds, “Thank God! I’m so tired of Zinfandel.”

Rep'd

 

[ABM]

Rep'd

Last day at the beach, eh?

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

Last day at the beach, eh?

Yeah. This was one relaxing vacation. I have had a great time.

 

[ABM]

Yeah. This was one relaxing vacation. I have had a great time.

That's what it's all about, friend. Looking forward to that day at the beach in August.

 

[BLAZER PROPHET]

That's what it's all about, friend. Looking forward to that day at the beach in August.

And making my usual $20 deposit at the casino.

 

[julius]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

 

[SlyPokerDog]

 

[BrianFromWA]

Priest is walking along the pier, enjoying the sunshine, and sees a fisherman about to head out on his charter. Fisherman says "Come on Padre, I don't have any customers today, let's go catch something!" The priest thinks, "Why not?" and jumps aboard. Ends up an hour later with the biggest fish he's ever seen attached to his line and being dragged in. "Well done, Padre!" the fisherman exclaims. "That's the biggest sonuvabitch I've ever seen reeled in!"

"My son, I'll ask you not to swear. I'm a man of the cloth," the priest said, though still giddy.

"Naw, Padre, I wasn't swearing. That's just what we call that type of fish. It's a 'sonuvabitch'--and that's the biggest one I've ever seen. You should be proud of that!" And then they head back to shore.

The priest thinks that he'll be a nice guy and take it to the convent, to share with Mother Superior and the sisters tonight. As they bring it into the convent kitchen, the priest exclaims, "Look, Mother Superior! I caught this big sonuvabitch. If you help me clean and cook it, the whole convent can eat well tonight!" "Father," said the Mother Superior, "I'll ask you not to swear in the convent. What are you thinking?" "Oh, Mother Superior, I wasn't swearing--that's the name of this particular fish. It's called the 'sonuvabitch', and this is the biggest one the fisherman had ever seen!" "Well, then," said Mother Superior happily, "thanks be to God for this blessing. I'll help you clean it, and then we'll take it to Sister Mary Margaret to cook for dinner tonight."

So they clean and gut the fish, cut it up into fillets, and take it to Sister Mary Margaret. "Sister Mary Margaret," said the Mother Superior, "look at the big sonuvabitch the Father caught today! We've cut it into fillets for you to cook--it'll be a treat for the sisters!" "Mother Superior," said Mary Margaret, "I'll ask you not to swear. And in front of the good Father!" "Oh, Mary Margaret, that's just the name of this fish. It's called the 'sonuvabitch', and the Father has caught one of the biggest ones ever! Let's cook it up!" "Well then," said Sister Mary Margaret, "let me get to work! I'll cook this sonuvabitch up in a special way!"

As they were getting ready to sit down, the Pope shows up for a surprise visit. While stunned, the priest and Mother Superior are happy that they have the fish to serve, and happy that it was prepared in a special way. Afterwards, the pope sighs contentedly. "That was delicious, my children" the Pope says. "What was that delicious fish?"

"A big sonuvabitch, Your Grace," says Sister Mary Margaret.

"Excuse me?!" said the Pope.

"That's right, your Holiness," replied the priest. "It's fresh--I just caught that sonuvabitch."
"...and I cleaned that sonuvabitch," said Mother Superior.
"...and I cooked that sonuvabitch," said Sister Mary Margaret, happily.

The Pope looked at all three of them, stunned. After a moment, he took off his pontiff's hat, leaned back in his chair, kicked his feet up on the table and said "You know, you motherf***ers are all right!"