Joke thread

[MARIS61]

[video=youtube;3IiICcSH8iY]

 

[donkiez]

Q: Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?














































A: Dr. Dre

 

[SlyPokerDog]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

[SlyPokerDog]

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness.
The other, to total extinction.
Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

- Woody Allen

 

[Mediocre Man]

[video=youtube;ACfCm3Ic-RU]

 

[GriLtCheeZ]

@MM

When are you gonna post your stand up?

 

[Mediocre Man]

@MM

When are you gonna post your stand up?

When it's funny

 

[Denny Crane]

[video=youtube;cS4ct53xAu8]

 

[Denny Crane]

See my signature.

[video=youtube;YjlmuVju-UI]

 

[Denny Crane]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/nhl/the-best-hockey-moments-in-movies-and-tv?sub=1519496_249688

Scroll down to #12

 

[BlazerWookee]

The doctor says to the man, "I'm sorry, your condition is terminal."

Man says, "How long do I have?"

Doctor says, "Ten."

Man says, "Ten what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten weeks?"

Doctor says, "Nine. Eight. Seven."

 

[3RA1N1AC]

john denver crashes his plane into a mountain and dies and goes to heaven

when he gets there, st peter greets him, and leads him to his own private little cottage, with a beautiful stream and waterfall, gorgeous landscaping, a true paradise

"so john, here is your eternal reward, spend the rest of time immortal reflecting on your noble and pious life" says st peter "ill be back tomorrow to check in on you and make sure you are acclimating well"

"well ok!" thought JD, i mean, being alive was pretty awesome, but this wasnt too bad either! birds chirping, dragonflies, and an emu sipping from the pond, pretty neat

walking around his place though, he couldnt help but notice a huge castle to the east, rising 1000 feet into the air, made of mirrors and diamonds. the strange thing was it was surrounded by grateful dead flags...

"hmm", thought mr denver "i guess jerry got a castle...oh well, jealousy isnt a very virtuous emotion, im happy enough here"

the music started at around 8pm, at first it was nice! jerry was rocking out, who knows maybe jimmi was up there too! "i would have to ask st peter about going up there sometime" john thought to himself

but then it didnt stop! midnight, 3am... 6am! still the loud cascading riffs rolling down the hill and literally vibrating his entire foundation, until they stopped around 7am, must have finally passed out...

st peter came by around 8am to check in on ol' jonny boy

"WTF! man" john denver screamed "i mean i hate to be like this but FUCK! i cant get an hour of sleep with this shit going on, i mean this is supposed to be heaven! i feel like a second class citizen!"

"and why does jerry garcia get a fucking castle and im down here in this little cottage!??"

"oh the castle?" asked st peter "thats gods place!"

 

[STOMP]

Superman is on his daily crime flight over the Big Apple when he spots Wonder Woman laying out naked on her skyscraper roof patio. She's flat on her back and spread out on a sweltering hot summer day ridding herself of all tan lines. The man of steel pauses, caught between lust and shame not knowing what to do before remembering who he is and his gifts. "The time is now!" he thinks "I've always wanted her, I'll just use my superspeed and no one will ever know!"

"Oh my god, what was that?" exclaims a startled Wonder Woman

"I've no idea, but my ass is killing me" says the Invisible Man

STOMP

 

[Nate Dogg]

Q. What profession do you call two lesbians traveling down a river in a canoe?

A. Fur Traders

 

[GriLtCheeZ]

When it's funny

Fair enough.

 

[donkiez]

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first asks for h2o the second asks for h2o too. The second chemist died.

 

[Denny Crane]

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first asks for h2o the second asks for h2o too. The second chemist died.

HCP needs this explained.

H2O is water. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide.

 

[BLAZINGGIANTS]

What do you call HCP (a Mexican) being baptized?






Bean dip.

 

[Denny Crane]

What do you call HCP (a Mexican) being baptized?






Bean dip.

Too nerdy for HCP to understand.

 

[BoBoBREWSKI]

3RA1N1AC - That's a joke? Seems more like a stupid story. There's nothing funny about it.

 

[3RA1N1AC]

3RA1N1AC - That's a joke? Seems more like a stupid story. There's nothing funny about it.

the joke is that god is a grateful dead fan, sorry heres one more your speed

how do you get a priest to fuck a nun?

shit in her ****

 

[3RA1N1AC]

and you can drink hydrogen peroxide, just not concentrated and alot, which puts it in the same boat as prune juice

 

[Denny Crane]

the joke is that god is a grateful dead fan, sorry heres one more your speed

how do you get a priest to fuck a nun?

shit in her ****

God is Jerry Garcia (or vice versa). I saw it on star trek, so it must be true.

 

[3RA1N1AC]

do you know what jerry garcia would be doing if he was alive right now?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
scratching frantically on the inside of his coffin

 

[PtldPlatypus]

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

 

[BlazerWookee]

What did the Dead Head say when he ran out of dope?

Jesus, this music SUCKS...

 

[mook]

WARNING: Pretty much the nastiest joke I've ever heard.


I was eating out this lady the other day when all of a sudden I tasted horse semen. All I could think was: "Oh Grandma, so that's how you died!"

 

[Mediocre Man]

 

[BoBoBREWSKI]

^^ WELL PLAYED! ^^

 

[BlazerWookee]

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a black guy, a mexican, a horse, and a parrott walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"